Jeez this day has been full of hard knocks.

Didn't sleep well last night, so woke up on the tired side as it was, but didn't feel bad about myself.

Called my sponsor and that's when I think it all started. That dang reminder "so, when are you going to get to an open AA meeting this week?"

Downhill snowball from there. I was pretty productive at work today for the most part, but right at the end of the day when I'm getting ready to leave I get this phone call from this customer who's just being a total jerk.

I get off the phone call all cranky and on the drive home, I'm thinking to myself, "Okay, how could I have applied Al-anon to that phone call?"

Still trying to figure it out.

I get home, AH has been home all day because it's his day off. I tell him I had a rough day, describe the customer to him and all that stuff and just vent. Thankful to him for letting me vent.

Then he wants to go to the store to pick up some things. I have to go with him because he has no license and it's too much stuff for him to take with him on his moped.

I ask him very kindly, "Sweetie, can we go tomorrow? I'm just in a bad mood right now and I know if I go to the store, I'll probably get crankier still."

Immediate huffiness from AH: "Well, I've been home all day and I'm bored. I need something to do. I'll just take the car and go get it myself."

Buzz!! NO! The last time I kept letting him take the car out every now and then he got TICKED at me when I finally told him, "No, I don't want you taking the car anymore because you don't have a license and we don't need you getting pulled over."

And, of course, there was the trust issue at that point in time, too.

So here's my dilemma - I didn't want to go back on the boundary I'd set with the car thing because it would just create mixed messages from me.

Now I'm getting MAD because as I'm typing this I'm still seeing that I have a freaking CONTROL problem here.

Would it have really been the end of the world if he took the car? No. Of course he could have wrecked it or something then I'd not have a car anymore... but that's all in that realm of "who knows?"

In fact, I keep thinking "Oh, he could get pulled over and we end up paying more fines".

Well, then, that's a lesson HE needs to learn on his own instead of me protecting him from it (or protecting my wallet from it. I don't care if my finances ARE separate from his, if he gets a ticket and pays for it out of his pocket, that still means he'll be short on being able to help with his half of paying other bills, so I still pay for it in some way or another).

Dangit, I'm so MAD.

I'm just resentful that I'm seeing I'm making bad choices.

I know... go easy on myself.

I will eventually, but right now I feel I need to feel this anger, because dangit, this is TOUGH!

But anyhow, I did take him to the freaking store to get his darn pegboard, but I used the time he was in the store as a time to call my sponsor, so even though it might sound like I was doing it to just appease the A, I still used it as a time to contact my sponsor and work the program, too.

I'm not mad at the A at all anymore. Was he being a spoiled brat? You bet. But that's HIS deal.

My problem is that I got caught in the dang control mess, which ticks me off because I feel like I've just rolled all the way back to step one again.

I thought I'd addressed that, but I obviously haven't.

I tell you - I was feeling fantastic the last few days, but maybe I was getting too big-headed about how I was doing and life ended up having to knock a couple rungs out of the ladder from underneath me.

Just. Mad.

Glad I'm going to a meeting tonight. Sponsor will be there, too.