The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't like being reminded to do things that I kind of don't want to do. Talking with my sponsor this morning she was inquiring about when I'm going to get to the next open AA meeting.
Erm... shoot. Wasn't really planning on it this week was the thing. In any case, told her I'd try to make one tonight or Saturday, though.
I fully understand the need to attend AA meetings so I can see what the A in my life is going through. But at the same time, I feel like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I worry about being offensive to any of the AA members. I feel the AA meetings is one area in particular where I need to keep my mouth shut and just listen. But it can be a hard thing for me to do. I have a lot of times where I'm always wanting to put my two cents in. I know I have every right to pass on sharing, and I definitely need to exercise that at the AA meetings.
Another part of me doesn't want people at the AA meetings to assume I'm an alcoholic.
I guess all that I'm going through here is a lot of fear of being judged on some level. I'm perfectly comfortable when the A's attend an Al-anon meeting, but am really uncomfortable about stepping into their safety-zone.
I know, too, I'll feel a lot of anger and jealousy. I'll probably feel at some point mad at my AH because he's not working on himself like these other people are. I'll be jealous of them because they're working on themselves - many have finally "got it" that they're powerless over alcohol and need help.
So, this is a hard step for me to take, even though I know it's good for me. It's like going to the dentist. Don't wanna, but I have to for my own good.
I'm going to take some time to check out the local AA meeting schedule now, though, and try to find something that will be comfortable with me. I'd be pretty happy, actually, if there were a Saturday morning AA meeting. I don't know why, but I think I'd just feel more comfortable at a morning AA meeting than an evening one.
This "working on myself" stuff sucks sometimes. Especially when I get a big head and think I'm doing it all right and then find out I'm willfully ignoring an important lesson.
I only ever felt comfortable in open AA speakers meetings. That way there was no expectation that I participate. Also, listen to your heart. If going is making YOU feel bad, bringing up feelings you are not ready to deal with then do NOT go. It's not worth it. I know AA's who jump into AA and the right into alanon usually just get discouraged and leave both programs. So, take it slow, listen to your heart as well as your sponser. They are not anyone special just people that have walked the path before us and are as prone to mistakes just like the rest of us.
