The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, this is my first experience with Al-anon. I have been urged to go by several people, but to be honest my first thought was, I dont have anymore time to spend on the topic of "drinking". I have been so frusterated, hurt, angry, and most of all resentfull towards my Husband. We have been together five years, and married for three. He has always been a big drinker. I didnt think too much of it in the beginning, because I too, at a young age, was partying a lot. The thing is, that I knew it wasnt a problem for me to stop, so I didnt think it would be for him either. I have never dealt with alcoholism until him. I have lost my Mom and my Brother (Im only 24), and I must say that battling this with him has probably been the toughest, most exhausting and discouraging thing I have been faced with. It has effecting every part of his life. His career- he has been in & out of jobs causing us many financial difficulties. He takes NO responsibility for anything and is very selfish, defensive and mean when he drinks or when talk to him about drinking. Things finally came to a head at the end of January. He decided he wanted to go to rehab. He was there for 3 weeks, he came out a new person, motivated with a new outlook on a sober life. I feel that has slowly gone out of site for him. Its been a month sine he's been out. He's drank three times and been negative about everything. I dont know what to do. I love him so much, but my outlook on the future is scary. How do I know if he's serious about being sober or just buying time. I know he loves me, I know its not about that, but maybe he's just okay being in a fog all the time. I feel like Im forcing him to live a life he doesnt want, and I've become almost hopeless for our marriage............
The topic isn't "drinking" - it's how to get some joy back into your life, how to let him take care of his end, and you take care of yours.
Yes, sometimes you will find people at alanon bitching about the alcoholic - it's nice to have a safe place to vent where nobody will say "Why do you put up with that, I'd leave him, blah blah...." But mostly, this program is about us - how to get our lives back - either with the alcoholic or without him, depends on our own circumstances. We can teach you some tools that will make life with him easier, or, we can help you get the strength to leave him, if you find that is what you want to do. We can help you get some clarity, so you KNOW what you want.
You've come to the right place. Have you been to any face-to-face meetings yet? I'd highly recommend, although there are many Al-anoners who manage on their own, too.
The one day I had a total melt-down, I'd been coming here fairly often and attending one Al-anon meeting a week. I called a friend who's also an Al-anon member and an A (alcoholic) who's been sober working the AA program for four years. He gave me the greatest advice ever:
Get to as many face to face meetings as you can in the next week. Get some literature and start reading. Find a sponsor - someone who exhibits a calmness that you wish you had for yourself. Start working the steps. Your life depends on it.
That last part was the clincher for me. My life depends on it.
He was VERY right about that! And I am so thankful I took his advice. I found a great "Home" meeting - one that I make it a point to make it to every single week no matter what. And best of all, I've heard SO much from SO many different people about their lives with alcoholics, and from them I've learned many things about myself and things I can do to HELP MYSELF.
I have learned in the program two important things:
#1: Expecting your addict to change is an exercise in futility. They will only change when THEY want to - when they hit their rock bottom... and for some, rock bottom could be their death or attempt at death. For others, it could be the downfall and ruin of their family. But no amount of pleading, yelling, manipulating, crying, teasing, coaxing on your end will make it happen for them. It's all on the addict.
#2: Knowing #1, this means you have to make changes for YOU. And have the courage to do so. Other people's opinions on how you should go about making your change do not matter. Much like #1, you will change when YOU want to, and you are the one who gets to decide what's right for you. There are people out there who have learned to live with their active addicts and be at peace. There are others who found life with their addict was too much to bear so separated themselves from the addicts and are finally at peace. Whichever path you choose to follow is all up to you.
Taking care of yourself first makes things easier with the addicts in our lives.
Welcome to MIP! You will find alot of experience, strength and hope here at the site. Keep coming back. You can't cure, didn't cause, and can't control it.
Aloha Wishing!!...and welcome home. It sounds like you are qualified and there always was a chair into the group waiting for you. Come in...all the way in and join us. We, if we do this right don't focus on the drinking or the drinker or anything else other than our own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. This is not about the alcoholic or the addict as Aloha has mentioned. There are alot of reasons why you are feeling sick. Your alcoholic just happens to sit squarely in the middle of the bulleye of the target when you want to blame something or someone for your unhappiness and loneliness.
My alcoholic wife was soooo easy to take shots at. she was soooo easy to blame and I felt I was off the hook as to being responsible for any of the problems in my life until...I was asked the question How did she get into your life in the first place? Now we were talking me and I started to work on my own recovery. No I didn't cause the alcoholism and I failed at every attempt at controlling it and her, and as far as I have found out since coming into the rooms of Al-Anon some 29 years ago there is no cure for it. So I was off the hook on that stuff and I also found out that alcoholism is a class A disease. It is not a symptom of some other disease or sickness; It is the disease itself with it's very own symptoms and pathologies. It can never be cured; it can only be arrested by total abstinence and if the alcoholic or addict was to stop and have any time clean and sober and then go back to drinking? It would be as if no period of sobriety ever existed and often times it is worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with and we are just as affected as the alcoholic and worse because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore we go thru the problem wide awake often times when the alcoholic is not conscious.
That's some freebee information from early meetings I used to attend. This information woke me up. I was happy to know this was a disease and that my wife was not a bad person doing bad things just to make me feel bad.
Learning that this disease was a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body helped me to understand that she had no more control over the disease than I and that alcoholism didn't give a hoot if either of us cared or tried about each other or anything else.
This is the most powerful disease (IMO) on the planet.
Now you have found a place to make it all change. If the disease is working right in your life right now you should be feeling apathetic, sick, tired and lonely and a host of other things that want to make you just lay down, close your eyes and wait for the end to come. (From my own experience only). Instead you can muster as much energy as you can and go to your phone book and look up the hot-line number for AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS and call it. Ask them for a list of the meetings in your area and get to the very first one that you can cause as Aloha also mentioned "Your very life could depend on it." This is about your life...keeping it and making it better and worth living. If there is no hot-line number ask the rehap that your alcoholic was in where you can get to the face to face AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS meetings. They will be glad to help you.
Keep coming back here. This is family and we love you and will treat you as we were loved and treated and continue to be.
I smile when I hear stories that have different turns to them but the bottom line most sound similar. Please find face to face meetings in your area, please go several times before making up your mind if it is for you ( like you I first thought I don't want to be part of a "pitty party" and discovered alanon is exactly the opposite, it's about finding joy, peace, direction and understanding of the things we can understanding and knowing how to let go of what we can't). I promise it helps!! I've tried counseling, church, worn out several good friends etc. Till alonon I thought maybe I was a nutcase and had some form of obsession... attending alanon I found there are others just like me and there are answers, within me and help so I can find them!!
Welcome, Wishing. I am sorry that you have to be here, but am also happy, for your sake, that you found this place... coming here is what is keeping my head on straight (in the crazy, mixed-up world of alcoholism). Please keep coming back.
Welcome to the family. You may find some of us a bit strange (I resemble that remark), but no where will you find a more accepting and loving place than inside the walls of alanon (be it face to face or here at MIP).
I came to alanon because of my hub's drinking and drugging. I stay for me. This program is not about him. It is all about me and helping me to gain tools to live with active addiciton or tools to help me reocver from the family disease of addiction.
I use the tools I gain everywhere. Work, with my friends, with my kids, and yes with my hub (lol when I remember to that is).
I keep coming back because I lost my serenity. I found it in alanon and whenever I lose it, I always know where to find it.
Living with active addiction was hard for me. I was lonely, frustrated, angry, hurt, you name it. Here I have found people who know what I have been through; some have been through it themselves, or worse, or not even close. The point is the love I was searching for was here.
And I think for me besides finding my serenity the neatest thing is I am learning to trust again and who it is safe to give that trust to. A few years ago I would never have believed that a man any man would be on my list of my most trusted friends. Thanks to the tools I have gained here, I have learned to trust the opposite sex (well those I know I can). So I have stopped isolating myself.
I hope you keep coming back. I hope you get yourself to meetings.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Welcome Wishing, On this site you will find online meetings, and and a chat room. You can also pm people to talk privately.
I am so glad you found MIP even with your misgivings. My experience here has taught me to look at the people with addictions totally differently. We learn lots of truths here and we learn tools for a better life.
Even if we don't have an A in our life, the things we learn here enrich our lives.
The meetings are really cool here. Ran very professionally.
Many of us can relate to every word you say. Actually the topic isn't so much alcoholism as "us". How do we survive, thrive, heal and take care of ourselves.At some meetings there is no mention of the qualifier.
This is a respite for so many of us. Its understandable you would have ambivalence. I came here 3 plus years ago and now I have a sponsor, a program the works. My life has changed dramaticaly and most of the changes are nothing to do with what my qualifier, did, does or may do.
Welcome to the MIP family. Lots of good replies here. His love for you and his love alcohol have nothing to do with each other. I know it's scary. Relapses are very, very common. My AH is a chronic relapser.
Several things to keep in mind: You are not alone in this journey of recovery. Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. None of this is your fault.
If you can find some local meetings, they will be very helpful. I'm a late bloomer when it comes to Alanon. But I am so very glad I have found this place. It's been a life saver for me. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
for a change, hurray.
