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Well, I ensnared myself in a disappointment trap yesterday.
Just shoulda known, ya know? But I'm okay with it now... doing better. Just taking it as yet another lesson learned.
I told my AH a couple days ago that I was going to attend a hot yoga class on Wednesday evening. He sounded mildly interested in going. I snatched ahold of that little crumb he gave me, though.
Wednesday evening rolls around and I ask him if he's going to join me in the class. Suddenly it's nothing but a bunch of excuses from him why he doesn't want to go. I did tell him it would be nice if we'd actually do more activities together... (but I'm starting to realize more and more that our joys in life just don't sync. Most things I like to do, he doesn't... and a lot of things he likes to do, I don't.) I feel at least I give his hobbies a try, though. You know, I like to TRY to maintain that we're a couple and we should enjoy doing some things together other than just co-habitating.
In any case, he tells me "nooo... I don't wanna go. But I promise you I'll go to the next morning meditation class with you."
I tell him "you know the next one is tomorrow, right?"
I see that silent "aw, crap!" look in his eyes. But he tells me, "yeah...."
So anyhow, I go off to the hot yoga class, and WOWEE! That was some serious stuff!! I really enjoyed it. Thought I'd not like it (I don't like being hot and uncomfortable, but I got used to the heat really fast and really just zoned in on holding the various poses and getting really stretched out.) My workout clothing was drenched by the time I was done, and my mat was all slippery! Whew!
So, anyhow, had a pretty uneventful evening after yoga class. Did some reading of Al-anon materials, etc. Went to bed. Tossed and turned for a while because I think I was still pretty wired from the yoga class earlier. (That thing was 90 minutes long, too!!!)
Alarm goes off this morning and it's time to go to the morning meditation class. I'm looking forward to it for sure. I ask my AH "you ready to go to the class this morning?"
Nothing but whining: "I meant to promise you next time I'd go with you..."
Fine. Whatever.
So as I was leaving for my morning meditation class, I just kept thinking to myself, "If there is one thing I can count on from my AH is his breaking promises to me." and then, "What should I expect from an alcoholic?"
But I put the whole thing out of my mind as quickly as I could. I realized I put myself in the position to be disappointed. He'd whined about it ever since the previous night. I should have just stopped there and let it go instead of accepting empty promises from him.
Really, it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. It's just a yoga class or a meditation class. Could have been worse - like his promising to do something MUCH more important or vital for me and his backing out of the promise later.
In any case, I'm glad I recognize that I constructed this whole sequence myself. Makes it easier to just let it go.
Meditation was great, as always. Was a great way to quiet my mind and shut off that left-brain chatter that wanted to bitch about AH.
Yes, I've had this, very annoying, especially the whiney excuse, noooh I caaant, I doont feeel weelll, but I can get pissed, very irritating. I'm with you, I've stopped setting myself up as much for that, its just too frustrating dealing with it,
I am oh so familiar with that trap! I, too, have mostly given it up. I can't tell you how many meals (ESPECIALLY breakfasts!) I've cooked that have sat cold and uneaten. And when I stopped asking he set me up with the pitiful "why do you not offer me any". Duh, 'cause you have lain in bed sleeping and letting my food sit a million times! My AH has a chronic "morning problem" drinking/drugging or stone cold sober! I used to cry (alone).
Anyway, enough of me! You are brave to do one of those Birkram (?) yogas! I go to yoga every weekend, that I do for myself. But I'm chicken to try one of those hot ones. YOu go!
The way I look at this sort of thing, his comment last night of "I'll go to meditation next time" was not a promise, just a message that he's not rejecting you by saying no to the yoga.
Actually, even non alcoholics do this sort of thing all the time - I might like the IDEA of doing a certain thing. It's possible I'd even like the thing itself, once I got there and started doing it. It's the reality of getting off my butt this minute and going to something that might be hard, that I have a problem with. For non alcoholics, a kick in that same butt from the person we had said "Oh, yes, I'd love to go rock climbing with you" to is often enough to get us going, despite misgivings. However, A's are so used to letting others down that they can usually withstand any kicks. Sad, really - they know our expectations are lowered.
I think you're right there, lin - I think some part of him that likes adventure and a challenge kind of wanted to go, but the real "chickening out" came when I told him the class was an hour and a half long.
"Ooh! I can't do that! No way!"
I just wish I didn't tell him how long it was. But he did ask so I wasn't going to lie to him.
But you're right, too, in that A's are used to disappointing others. Which makes it very easy for them to tell people they'll do something and then never follow through.
I thankfully have stopped doing things like that. A long time ago when I was a pretty shy person, I'd tell people I'd go do things with them and then come up with a zillion excuses not to go when it was time to go do whatever I agreed to do. For me, I know it was a lot of self insecurity when I did stuff like that, as often it was social types of gatherings. Always afraid someone somewhere would be judging me, so I'd worm my way out of promises to go do certain things with others.
I've stopped doing that, though. Now when I tell someone I'm going to be there or do something, I DO it. Unless some REAL excuse comes up where I can't (ie: getting sick, a car accident, emergency, whatever). If I don't want to do it, I'll tell people "I'll think about it, but I'm not sure at this point. Thank you, though."
I'm sure AH is insecure on many levels.
In any case, I'll just keep that in mind, but next time I ask if he wants to join me on something, if he seems hesitant at all, I'll leave it at that - not try to worm a promise out of him that I know there's an 80/20 chance he'll not keep.
DOA - give it a try! You'll never know if you like it or not until you try it. :)
I can tell you one thing... I'm SORE today. I was thinking that I'd feel all loose and fluid today because it was all a bunch of "just stretching", but whew! Nope. I've got sore muscles everywhere! Which I don't mind, really, just shows me I've worked some muscles in a way they're not used to being worked. I think I may be addicted after the first class. Think I might have to buy a package deal. ;)
