The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where to begin? With the few hours I spent with Michael last night/this morning? or with the fact that I realized last night that my mother does not support my recovery....I think I'll start with mother....
I realized last night while he was in his meeting and I was sitting in a different room reading "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" that I haven't read any daily literature since March 27th. And then I realized why...because my mom said something derogatory about me reading something from one of the little books. The only reason I read it to her and my oldest was because it was more of a life lesson thing than "Al-Anon". Well, she said something to the effect of not needing or wanting to be subjected to that type of stuff and I said that was fine and I apologized. I haven't picked up a book since. Reading "How Al-Anon Works..." last night I came across a few lines that hit home and made me start thinking. I also realized that MY recovery does NOT depend on anyone but ME. Just like the A's recovery does not depend on anyone but the A. I'm glad I was able to go with him last night to be able to read from this book. I've borrowed it and will be going to our local book resale shop to hopefully find it at a discount. If not, I'm sure I can get it for a pretty fair price on ebay. My mother is a miserable person and seems only to be happy when she is making other people miserable. I talked with Michael about it last week and he said something that hit home then and does now: "Of course she doesn't support you in your recovery, she wants you to stay the way you have been so you can stay with her and she can be in control of you." At first she didn't like him because she thought he took me away from my kids and her, but she's realized (I hope) that it was MY decision to move out. Now she has a problem with Al-Anon and me going. I need to remember that is HER problem. NOT mine. and MY problem's are NOT her's. The other thing I noticed last night was that my attitude has completely sucked this past week and now I know why. "It works if you work it" This morning I called our local temp agency to talk with them about a mix up with my paycheck from when I worked one day. Got that taken care of and then asked if they had any work available. They did, for tomorrow. Same place I was last week. I took it. It might only be for tomorrow, but if they like you and you work hard and they see that, they ask you back. "It works if you work it" I also will be starting at one of our local Dollar General stores next week sometime. Part time for minimum wage. completely rediculous rate of pay for someone with my qualifications. But, I took it because it's more than what I'm currently making...$0.00/hr...I'm sure that once I get my certification in Medical Coding, I'll be able to get a job in that field. (what I went to school for the past year that he supported me in) The exam is in May. I need to get $120 together for my membership to the American Academy of Professional Coders (AAPC) before the exam. With working at the Dollar Store, I'll have that $120. .....baby steps...."It works if you work it" I HAVE to remember that: "It works if you work it" I HAVE to work this program as if my life depended on it because in essence it does. My HP has shown me that in the past 14 hours. I'm getting the messages now loud and clear.
The time with Michael was good. Except for this morning on the way back to my mother's house he was complaining about his own stuff...I sure don't miss that!!!!! Yesterday, I drove his boys home because he was exhausted. He slept while I drove and I had some major flash backs to this time last year when I would be driving to either pick them up or take them home and he'd be passed out in the passenger seat with a half full beer in between his legs. I had to laugh to myself yesterday because it was actually NICE to have him snoozing because he was physically and metally exhausted instead of drunk. And this time he had a half full bottle of Dr. Pepper! the poor thing hasn't slept hardly at all since I moved out. But, he knows what he has to do to take care of himself. I can't do it. I can't make him go to bed. Even if I did live there. While waiting for the boys to get their things together, I asked him where my keys were (house keys and his truck key) he told me and I went and got them. I told him that I didn't like using his. He said why do you need the house keys? You don't live here anymore. He then made some comment about me coming in to destroy his stuff while he wasn't home. I said whatever. He said sorry it comes from his ex's doing it to him. I said yes but the difference is that they hated you, I don't. I proceeded to put the keys on my keychain and we left and nothing was said about it again until this morning when he dropped me off. He said something about me coming in and robbing him, and I just looked at him. I told him I wouldn't do that and he should know that. I then asked him if he wanted the keys back and he said yes. So I gave them to him. He said something but I didn't catch it because I was closing the truck door. I don't know if he knows it but he upset me simply because he doesn't trust me because of what other's have done to him. I don't do that to him. I don't take my past relationship problem's out on him. I've learned that that is not fair to my partner. I know I should have ASKED for the keys, but it wouldn't have been any different and we probably would have fought last night AND this morning. I just wish he trusted me more. I've never given him a reason not too. The other's have given him a reason not to trust ME and that's what hurts. I know he has to work on it, but one would think that after being together for a year one would have that trust. Perhaps he and I can talk about it when he's not so rushed and tired.
I think I'm going to take a nap. I hope everyone is doing well.
I am so blessed to hear from you today! I still have your named taped on my bathroom mirror and lift you up in payer all the time. It says "pray for JenniferN." right by my little vase of fake flowers .
I am so proud of you and your focus. Yes you are right about the temp agencies and even the Dollar Store job. You never know who you will meet that may be your next biggest fan and supporter career wise!
I have been with my BF for almost 5 years and have never distroyed any of his stuff- he still tries to hide or move most important items when he feels our relationship is in crisis. Just recently he took his dirt bike and all his riding gear to his work and left it there for weeks and I didn't even know until I looked in the Garage and noticed something missing. He's secretive all the time like I'm out to hurt him? And he says he Loves me?? It makes me sad that he doesn't trust me but I know it is more from what he saw growing up than anything else. So I totally feel your pain on this one.
My mom also criticized anything I did to improve myself-you should have heard her when I was in Jr. College and studying things that interested me. Literally just made fun of me anytime I shared anything I learned. Anything she could say to bring me down! I don't know what they think they mean by all that but just let it continue to fuel your fire to be the best you can be!
You go girl! Sounds like you are doing fantastic!!
...I'm sure that once I get my certification in Medical Coding, I'll be able to get a job in that field. (what I went to school for the past year that he supported me in) The exam is in May. I need to get $120 together for my membership to the American Academy of Professional Coders (AAPC) before the exam. With working at the Dollar Store, I'll have that $120. .....baby steps...."It works if you work it" 
Jennifer 
