The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am learning that if I stay with my "A" I will have to accept that I get only little bits of him at a time-and the pieces don't always connect. Unable to have the desired flow of thoughts ideas, dreams or plans. - It's like each day stands alone for him. He even sometimes says-this was a good day or bad day... in a way that makes me think that each day is independent of the rest of his life.
I could learn to satisfy my desire for a more inclusive/bonded/ ongoing life some other way, female friendship or activity? and accept him as only a part of my life that will always be on the perimeter because he is not able to really be a continual part. This seems like settleing, sacraficing or being shorted.
I don't know but I worry I may even be living with some limited drug use, I get this sence that he is "hiding" or better said, avoiding telling me about somethings-usually things that don't matter greatly-small things but a real sense of avoiding talking to me so certain things don't come up. No he's not a cheater so it's not that but it is something? Could be nothing more than something his mom said or how he feels about an issue at work... but this distance is even greater than his usual avoidance of "deep" subjects. Can't explain it but it's very real.
These thoughts come always but are more prominant when he works late and the "sober" time is more limited. Or when he's super stressed? Is it personality disorder, drugs?
( At all times but worse when he is "distant" like this )Feels like I have this little tiny window of opportunity to really interact(and like when I am I'm standing in the way of him getting to his next beer, not that he's mean about it he's not, just that any sober time with me is one less minute till he can get another beer). And when I realize the next day that anything said after say 8pm or so was kinda like it never really happened I feel like the disease is stealing part of my life that I deserve to enjoy with the person I love. It's like having a realationship with someone that is only there 1/4 or less of the time. Or like an imaginary friend o gost or like tryng to start a new relationship each day vs. actually building a deeper stronger one everyday.
OKay I need a meeting. Thanks for letting me have this little cry fest!
That pretty much sums up much of my relationship with the exA. I felt incredibly frustrated by this turn of events. I felt left out, excluded, abandoned and got absolutely livid a lot of the time. Now I see it as part of his disease, living with that was very difficult for me. The other side of the coin was that he absolutley demanded and I do mean demand, regressed, got much worse, did everything he could to get my attention, that I be "there" for him 24 hours a day.
After being here for a while I got to the point where I needed reciprocity. That is much of what I look for today in my life. Is there reciprocity, is there interest, is there caring? If there isn't I do not extend myself. I am not brutal, I am cordial to people but if there isn't a reciprocal note to the relationship I'm not interested.
That sense of being in constant unremitting frustration was absolutely draining to me.
Glad (no pun intended ) that you went to a meeting. I know us alanoners aren't always right but I also know that we should listen to our intuition too and if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
) that you went to a meeting. I know us alanoners aren't always right but I also know that we should listen to our intuition too and if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.