I was born in Glasgow, Scotland in April 1971. I was raised with my parents and one older sister, I am four years younger. We were like any other family in Glasgow at that time, we all had our own troubles, behind closed doors. I like to use the phrase Dysfunctional families. Life was normal for me I think, I dont remember much of my life before I was 4 years old. I remember going to nursery school. There was a green Bridge we used to cross each morning. I am told I was a happy-go-Lucky child. Always the centre of attention, Everyone loved me, I was cute, adorable, and a very affectionate child. As I got older I sensed something was not right about my family. We werent like my friends family. Her mum and dad used to talk and laugh with us. I used to stay over at her house, but she was never allowed to stay at mine. In time I realised what the problem was. My parents were very loving and caring, we wanted for nothing, we were spoiled with material things. My dad worked all his life, he was a hard worker, always handed his wages over to my mum, never broke a wage packet in his life. Life was good for us. We only had one problem. Most people looked forward to their weekend, we dreaded ours. My dad liked a drink to relax at the weekend.

A typical Friday night was, as the bottle got empty, the voice started to get raised, the personality changed, out went the greatest dad in the world. In came, anger, hate, shouting, this transformed person, Who was he? He would do the normal, break ornaments, punch walls, doors, shout and yell. He was never physically abusive. Verbally, Emotionally and Mentally yes very much so. As a child growing up with this I had a lot of fears. I became Withdrawn, quiet, sensitive, I isolated myself, suffered from low self -esteem, no confidence. I never thought I was good enough for anyone. I searched for approval, I became a people pleaser I used to think it was my fault, something I had done wrong. We had a massive family and there was always parties held at my grannies house. The adults would be in one room, the kids in another. It was only a matter of time before the first raised voice, and then it would all kick off from there, someone would always get put out, usually my dad. And that was also very distressing for me. Seeing everyone going against him. No matter what he done, he was still my dad and I loved him. When ever there was any physical hustling or fighting you could always find me in the middle of it. I was up for it, for all I was tiny. The worst times in my life were New year, I hated that and still do to this day. Thats when it really kicked off, the drink would be flowing, and then people would become emotional thinking of loved ones who had passed away that year and some of the worse family fights were at new year, and again my dad would be the one getting thrown out of my grannies. .LOL

My First job was in an office, I done that for two years, then I had a few, built computers, made springs and eventually I went into the caring profession. My first place was a geriatric nursing home with the mentally ill. I got beat up most days, my hair pulled and I stayed with that for six months. Until one day someone punched me and my dad said no more, my daughter is not doing that lol I then worked in another nursing home for a year to learn the ropes then I joined social services where I am today.

I done normal things, went out at weekends, actually got drunk as well, but after a few years it was the same old story. At the end of the night I had drunk men hanging all about me, I got tired of it all and stopped going out. Life was still the norm at home, every weekend. I just accepted the way he was. When I was twenty eight I was sent in to a client who was an alcoholic. He gave me verbal abuse, as I could not react to him, I had to control my temper. I went home and I cried for three days non stop. I had a mental break down. All my years of living this way had eventually caught up, and an Alcoholic had set the trigger off. My sister had already moved out when I was 14 years old, so I was left all those years in the home on my own. My mum just got on with it, and my sister did too. I was and still am badly affected with the affects of someone elses drinking.

I had roughly eight months off my work and I fought back, after that I threw myself into my work. Weekend shifts, overtime, and eventually I burnt myself out. I had another few months off work. I tried to find a balance in my life because it was all just work, work, work. My best friend at the time was a recovering Alcoholic (my luck eh)..lol He had tried to tell me alcoholism is a diseaseyeah sure it it.the things my dad done, I convinced myself he was completely aware of, and enjoyed watching his family suffer. And the next day he just ignored it all. Once I learned the facts of Alcoholism things made sence to me, i realised it is a disease. The alcoholic drinks themselves into oblivion and blacks out, and has no recollection of the night before.

I was learning the ins and outs of Alcoholics Anonymous, I discovered they had a sister fellowship called Al-anon, for families and friends of Alcoholics. My friend suggested I go along to a meeting I was shockedWhy do I need to go, Im not sick I eventually agreed to go, he was going to take me there. But I went on my own. There was a lady there and she asked me if I had been there before I said no, she welcomed me and gave me a big cuddle.OMGAffection was something that had been missing in my life for so long. When the others came in I got more cuddles, I felt really awkward. I sat and listened for 90 mins. People meet and share their experiences with living with an Alcoholic, I was amazed. These people were telling my story, this way MY story, MY life, how did they know what I had been through. I thought I was the only one who had suffered in life, I soon learned I was far from being alone. I left the meeting again more cuddles. My friend said to me that night what did you thinkI said to him I dont know, I said they all gave me cuddles, and he laughed, he said yeah, I never told you that bit Lynn, because I knew you wouldnt have gone LOL he said to me did you feel as if you belonged I looked at him, and I had tears in my eyes, I said yes, yes, I did, for the first time in my life I DID fit in somewhere, where could share my pain, anger, suffering, and people understood me, accepted me.

For so long there had been secrets in my house. Hiding holes in the doors by putting a picture over it, making excuses why friends couldnt stay. When my dad really went off on one, there was no hiding it, it then became our shame, my mothers Shame. I now know today it was his shame, not ours, we just took it on.

I continued attending the meetings, I couldnt read at them, reading in public was a big thing for me. I went way back to school, when we had to read in front of the classroom, and would be embarrassed. So I never read for a year. Then one night I was dared to chair a meeting. I went for it, my first time reading from the book, and twenty turned up for the meeting. I was amazing. I kept the meeting going for the 90 mins. Shared my wisdom with newcomers, cracked a few jokes had the place in an uproar, I was on top. After the meeting everyone was amazed, kept saying to me this is the wee one who wouldnt read from the book LOL there is one man in the group we have similar stories and get on fab, came up to me, he said come here wee one, gave me a big cuddle and told me he was proud of me. I was smiling he said I mean it you just came on another two steps there. From that it was all go. I chaired meetings non stop. I opened a group up, everyone was proud of me doing that too. It ran for a year and unfortunately has recently folded, but thats alright, I achieved what I set out to do.

Im my life I have had fears of everything. Heights, planes, bridges, escalators, elevators, anything I am not in control of. Last year I travelled to France, I was on four planes. I loved the take off, and the landing hated the bit in the middle.. LOL I went in a cable car up the mountains, stood at the top amazed at myself, was awesome, I now go in elevators, I hate them but I do it. I will go up and escalator but wont come down it. I was in a shopping mall and I saw three people falling down an escalator, it was all happening in slow motion in front of me, I dont know why but instinct must have taken over me, I ran and jumped over the side and hit the emergency button. My quick actions prevented any serious injury. I was very shaken up, and sat with a man on the escalator, his head on my lap talking to him, keeping him calm until the paramedics arrived. The irony to this story is the man was Drunkand in that situation it didnt matter a damn to me, I had compassion for him, when they took him away in the ambulance he reached out and held my hand.. That was a very moving moment in my life, I was touched. After my whole life of suffering through Drunks.

Things change dramatically after that. I never thought about things I just went and done it, screw the fear, I faced mine. One of my biggest fears was men LOL yes I never trusted any man. After years on my own the first man I trusted two years ago was my best friend, A recovering Alcoholic. Well they say we become attracted to what we have been used to. Physically he treated me well, mentally, emotionally and spiritually he tore me to shreds. He was in recovery himself, not very good, and because he hated himself, it made him feel good to manipulate and control me. Eventually it ended because he felt guilty, it was almost a year before I could move on from that. I had suffered again at the hands of an Alcoholic all be it a sober one. Sometimes they are worse, because the active alcoholic is predictable you know the routine and you can get out of their way. A sober alcoholic is hard work, Because they dont always understand themselves so we have no chance. I met and trusted someone else after that it was very short, he was in the forces. Then recently I met someone else. That was a different situation as well. This guy was kind, caring, considerate to my feelings, and I was not used to this kind of treatment, I still thought I wasnt good enough for him. Eventually he made m feel wanted and I began to feel I deserved the way he treated me. And I treated him the same in return with love and respect.

My hero growing up was Rocky I used to watch the movies and think I want to do that, get angry and fight back, he was my inspiration. And in actual fact I now fear no-one. I can face up to anyone, drunk or sober, When you spend your life facing up to a raving drunk you start to lose that fear

Anger takes over. I have since been in the situation I always seem to get caught in the middle. As if Ive not had enough LOL

My heading on my page is Get up you son of a bitch, cos mickey loves you I love that gets me hyper and emotional.

When Im down I tell myself that Get up you bitch cos everyone loves you And they do. I have my family who love me unconditionally, my al-anon family who without them the last two years I honestly dont think I would be here today. All the groups here in my life and online love me for who I am, the crazy girl in recoveryLOL

I have had a personality change in the last two years, I am now fun, loving, caring, I would do anything for anyone, I love who I am becoming.

I go online to Al-Anon and a frequent comment is oh no here she comes I love that, cos they know Im going to give them all a hard time.LOL

I now have myspace and I am making loads of wonderful friends, and the good thing is they know nothing on my past, only what I chose to tell them, and Im again becoming popular because of my wacky nature.

I also have ambitions for the future change my career in time, fresh break. And to jump out of a plane for charity.THAT will be the peak of me if I can do that. beat every fear Ive ever had, Will prove to myself how much I have come on.

I have been affected by the Disease of Alcoholism my whole life has been an uphill battle, but I have survived, I made it through, and Im still fighting.

I have recently had someone come into my life who has influenced me in many ways, He allows me to be myself, accepts me for who I am, a crazy girl..

So when next I question myself as to who I amI will look in the mirror and I will say.Im Just Me!!!!

This was a very spiritual experience for me to write this, I let go of some ghosts on my past, cried a few tears and remembered happy times I had blocked out of my life for so long

For anyone reading this, who has or is going through similar experiences I would urge you to do something about itI waited until I was thirty four

to change my life, you dont have too..

Easy Does It

Lynnie xxxxx

Al - Anon family Groups :London Tel 020 7403 0888

Al-Anon family Groups Glasgow Tel: 0141 339 8884

Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters

Virginia Beech VA 23454 5617

Tel (757) 563 1600

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change,

Courage To Change The Things I Can, And The Wisdom To Know The Difference.

Amen xx