The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love when I find myself in that lovely realm of Serenity. Where my daily focus is not upon the A or what A's done or doing or might be doing.
This is such a great, happy place. I feel so calm, collected, open-minded, even joyful.
I love this program. It has been my saving grace. If I'd not joined Al-anon at the beginning of the year, I think I'd be a miserable wreck right now. Every day would be a battle to claw my way out from a pit of despair.
I was talking with my Sponsor this morning about how great, in particular, I feel when I take the time to meditate and connect with my HP. I actually get this very real physical tingling feeling on my forehead when I've tapped in to my HP and allowed my HP to communicate with me. And when I come out of the meditation, I feel like a million bucks. All my world is nothing but brilliant joy and happiness.
I was telling my Sponsor I wish I could learn to keep that conscious connection with my HP 24/7. Oooh that would be glorious!
But I'm human, after all. Not perfect. So I might not always dedicate the time to my HP and make myself feel better that way.
We were also talking about how it's odd that through human evolution, us human beings still have that knee-jerk reaction to stressful situations to do or think stuff that continues the stress and is downright harmful to ourselves.
I wish that in times of crises, MY knee-jerk reaction would be to go and meditate, or do some physical exercise, eat a piece of fruit... instead of my usual reactions being to freak out, or eat a quart of ice cream or sit like a lump in front of the television and watch boring shows.
I'm working at it. I'm working at creating a new path for my brain and body to take when things get rough. It's not always easy, though. Every now and then I find myself stumbling along the old familiar worn path of struggle without even knowing how I chose to take it. But, every now an then I also catch myself before taking that path, telling myself "NO", and instead moving along the new, healthy path instead.
Whew. Just a lot of things to be grateful for today.
It is so awesome to realize that HP is ALWAYS right there for us even when we are not paying attention. He will never leave us or forsake us! Maybe he knows best for us and he made us in a way to need to take time out to reach out to him because he knows we are not capable of 24/7 "meditation" maybe because we humans are so selfish and ungrateful if it did not take extra effort we would take it for granted?? I dunno? Just wondering?
I found it very very difficult if not impossible to totally detach from the A as long as I was around him. During the last year he was a total destruction machine. Every single day he had to create some more chaos. I got absolutely worn to the bone. I could certainly detach some, enough to eventually leave him and move away from him emotionally. Nevertheless for me it was really really hard not to be aware he was destroying everything around me including our pets. My animals have really really suffered as a result of his absolute unmitigaged self destruction. I wish I could have found a place for all of us years ago but I could not, I definitely tried, I did try but nothing came through for me.
I do detach these days but nevertheless its difficult to deal with the aftermath.
That's one reason I am really really super hard line on boundaries these days. I struggled with boundaries all my life, it took an A to totally destroy himself in front of me for me to get absolutely supercharged about them.
