The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After remaining pretty silent the past year and trying hard not to get into any unnessecary conflict with my AH I wound up blowing it a little while ago.
He has been trying to engage in conversation the past few days, asking me to put aside some time in my day where we can talk. I have been avoiding him. I felt that the only reason he wanted to talk was because of his own insecurities. I really did not feel like holding his hand and offering any illusion that things were going peachy keen. I got to thinking that this is not really fair to him or myself. I do have some things to say in regards to our relationship.
I find that I get paralized talking to him. I don't know why this is. I know what I want to say. I know what needs to be said. I just can't get the right words out. I'm not sure why.
So, I made a list of things that I wanted to address. My feelings about certain things. Well, I never got to my list. Turns out he had his own agenda for the conversation.
They never change, do they? (unless they're in the very REAL process of changing - and even then it doesn't happen overnight).
I'm like you, Den - I have days where I am just NOT peachy-keen with the direction our relationship has turned. I want to blame my AH. Crap, he DOES own some responsibility to why things are the way they are right now. It takes two to tango, ya know.
But on the same side, I'm the one whose chosen to stay. I have every option and right to leave if I want, but I'm staying. And since I've made the choice to stay, then I need to work on ME. I cannot take the victim role here because I have a choice and I made it. No one put a gun to my head and made me stay with the man. I have family and friends who've opened their homes to me if I chose to leave. But I'm sticking it out for now... so in all essence, I shouldn't complain about it.
Maybe that sounds like I'm being hard on myself. Really, I'm not. I didn't feel miserable when I made the above statements. They're just my reality right now. And it helps me to remember to keep the focus on me. First thing's first. Me.
Instead of the other way around where I just watch my AH and go back to that familiar and horribly unsuccessful path of reacting to my AH.
This is some tough crap, though. Living with someone who's deceived me so much and not taking him to task about it each and every day until he submits to my will (and then I'll be miserable, because I'll then tell myself "I only wanted him to do it for himself! Not me!")
Whew. I need to read some material... and meditate. Get out of that "place" where the brain hones in on the A instead of on doing stuff that makes me happy.
I must admit that avoidance and detachment are my primary means of coping. My avoidance is not always physical (leaving the room, house, etc) but sometimes mental--I read and listen to audio books to avoid talking/interacting. Heck, even the kids deal with their dad by avoidance--if he's in a lousy mood, the room empties and everyone has a friend to visit.
As for detachment, the children don't understand the reasons for DH's moodiness, so they are still very attached other than the normal separation that teens develop in adolescence. But I know what the problem is and I've been hurt by the lies and the anger (usually directed at me, not the kids, thank goodness) and I've been slowly moving away emotionally from DH over the past 10 years. I'm definitely not "in love" any more, just trying to stay friendly because we share two children and always will. How long I can continue to cohabitate with DH is up to him. If he can be civil, I might be able to survive until the kids go off to school (5 years and counting....). If not--well, I'll have to cross that bridge if I come to it.....
It's an old tape, replaying again and again. He is going to go wherever the pain of the disease takes him until it becomes too painful.
You, however, can rise above by seeing it for what it is and not adding to the negative feelings/baggage you already have. What you resist persists. Negativity and negative feelings are like some kind of breeding, blood sucking tic that gets bigger and bigger.
The ego is what wants to fight back when the A is being an A and creating drama. His disease and his ego want to draw you in so you will react. Your ego is not about to let him do what he does and get away with it. Misery loves company.
I find it helps me to see someone else's drama and negativity as the blood sucking tic too. I don't want THAT to hop on me. I will be present and listen (if necessary), then walk away tic free.
The alcoholics priority is to drink. They give a million endless reasons. They are too wrapped up in manifesting all the denial, accusations and lies to hear what you have to say. He simply can't. He would have to be on your same conscious level to do so and alcoholism doesn't allow that.
Staying in the present, the now, works best ie: this is what is happening. What can I do to best take care of me right now? The ability to stay in the now prevents bringing old negativite thoughts and feelings in to the present situation and adding them on.
With acceptance, eventually comes serenity.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
In order to BE with yourself, you need to STAY with yourself.
I found that alot of detachment and avoidance was as much of myself at those times when I wanted to get away, avoid or detach from the A.
Its really painful when someone we love is in such a horrible state (so consistently). Grumpy, mean, depressed, belligerent, etc. Like with a little kid we think if we just wrap them up and snuggle 'em, they will laugh and smile again. They never do- we do not have that control (we think we do) and we cannot "do" their joy for them, we can only do that for ourselves.
So, I am trying to learn to stay with myself when I detach from the A, watch, wait, listen, feel- myself.
