The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've mentioned Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth" several times recently,. He has such insight and brings to light awareness of things I have struggled with in the past. This one was a forehead smacker for me..lol A simple concept So true, but something my thoughts never put in to words.
In my words (not copywritten)..
Most of us say, or at least think "All I want in life is peace and serenity" -- until our A's come home drunk and the kids act up and the car breaks down or gets wrecked and your partner leaves you or goes to jail and someone blames you and treats you badly because it's all your fault.
Suddenly there is a huge surge of anxiety and/or anger when these things happen. Then we are saying "I can't take anymore of this!" Our first reaction to those circumstances are of anxiety and along for the ride can be: to get angry, defend, attack, rage and much time justifying ourselves.
Something now is much more important to you than the peace that you wanted just a minute ago. The loss or threat of loss, the feeling of not being respected, appreciated, pooped on, used etc. are suddenly front and center and more important.
To who?
If peace mattered to you above all else, you would choose peace above all else.
Tolle says when we have a unproductive reaction it is like a poor person who doesn't know he has $100 million dollars in a bank account. His wealth remains an unexpressed potential. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't know if this will speak to you all as it did me but for me it was a "Aha Moment". Something pretty big has to happen for me to really get my dander up, but I learned is....
whether it'ssomething HUGE or a bunch of small stressful crap...I can alwayschoose peace, everytime, because if that is "all I want in this life" that is what I should be choosing. (I can should on myself, right?) :)
* forehead smack*
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow! That was awesome. Thanks for sharing that with us.
That spoke to me. Right now I (and so does everyone else) have so much going on that I could just let my serenity go. But going through the day serene is so much better than going through the day feeling like crap.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
For me as a co-dependent I have to have limits and boundaries. When I was in denial it felt like peace. I poured myself into other issues like gardening. I also poured myself into other people. I could shut out the A that way.
In time for me I had to be in pain to make the incredible moves and make the commitment to recovery. For me ultimately that meant not being at peace, it meant being in a whole lot of pain in order to be "aware" that I was suffering. I can be numb as I have ptsd. In fact many many people in my life thought I was really healthy when I was "numb" because certainly not much bothered me at all.
For me in my skewed codependent thinking I can think that I can justify going to any lengths to help the A. I can't. I no longer absolutely can do that. I have to have the attitude of "me first" otherwise I would simply give my whole life away. I've been under employed the majority of my life as a result of that. Poor self worth can look very good to others because I am incredibly generous(I'll give you the shirt off my back) and listen to whoever endlessly and take care of them with infinite patience. Meantime I have nothing, never will have anything and give away everything because I dont think I'm worth having for.
Absolutely, there is pain in self growth and we all must find our way through that.
What I got from Tolle was in reference to life's annoyances and outside battles (not so much inner), big and small. We don't have to react with our previously programmed attitudes or victim thoughts and voices. We can choose a peaceful path. It's the same as choosing not to attend the fight, only it takes it a step further. I used to do well with not fighting, but I sure wanted to! I used to leave the house in leiu of opening my mouth, angry, feeling betrayed, lied to etc. I didn't fight but I still had the anger and sometimes rage that I held on to for hours, sometimes days before I could let it go.
This is where Tolle says we have a choice to choose peace, making the self defeating anger unimportant because it serves no one. Choosing peace in those instances would allow us to do much more inner work, freeing up the countless hours, days, years spent on anger.
I can't help but wonder if I had the wits to choose peace over the last 20 yrs when I didn't, how much more would I have accomplished? How many times did I allow my anger to overtake me ?
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You have always been a source of strenght to me.... I am so glad you are here. I have been guilty of giving away my peace and allowing myself to worry and second guess what is best for me over the years....
Its a habbit, but it can change... I am changing my habbit, bit by bit. And with practice it gets easier and easier to make decissions based on what I think is right, not how anxious I will be about others reactions. Most of that was in my head anyway. Often there was no reaction at all... it was all me.
Thank you for posting that... it really hit home, and you did a great job presenting it. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Christy - That really hit home with me. I've never seen it expressed quite that way. Countless times I've declared that I wanted peace and serenity and the minute someone looked at me crossways......I threw it all out the window in the name of "being right" or "feeling slighted" or "hurt" or "unappreciated" or WHATEVER.
I'm learning bit by bit, day by day, ever so slowly, that I have inside of me all I need to maintain my serenity. I need to call on it, lean on it, rely on it. It's there. It's that $100 million that I keep forgetting I have.
I have struggled all my life wanting inner peace. I had no idea why I felt so bad but I felt so bad. Conflicts, personal attacks, insecurities, guilt, and the rest ate me up inside. I could not get out from under all this and feel good inside. I have his book The Power of Now and Byron Katie's books. I have better internal boundaries. I don't internalized everything especially those things that aren't my fault. Peace and serentiy. I choose that now. Someone just blew up at me about an hour ago. Her anger is not mine. I choose peace tonight. Thanks for your share and insight.
Soooooo true. 99 out of 100 times I choose peace thanks to this program. I can choose to be "right" in certain situations or I can choose to be happy. I prefer to opt for the happy versus right.
love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Yeah, I chose peace last night. A professor/friend just walked out of a lecture really pissed because of something I said in response to what she said, blah, blah blah (its all the same it doesnt matter...) and a part of me began sh*tting on myself about how I should have just shut up.
But then I just stopped. I am an adult, it was an adult conversation about adult subjects inside our dept. We were in dialogue about certain points to a piece that had been presented. It was an open forum, for the love of god!!! I can say whatever the heck I want re: the piece. if she doesnt like it or disagrees, that is just fine. And if she is gonna get mad, that is her kuleana. I chose peace- not to take her response personally, not to feel lousy about myself, not to worry or fuss or lose sleep over it. etc. etc.
I went home and fell asleep quickly, leaving the whole thing to HP and woke fully refreshed and not at all upset or agitated (I will see her around today and normally I would be trying to avoid her as a result of last night, etc.)
Thanks Christy, this makes so much sense to me and its a great way to put it. Its just our egos doing what egos do. Hugs, J.
I love how you have related this thought to living in al anon. Something that has been popping up in real life for me. Acceptance and less trying to be what I think we should be or labels. It all comes together although in abstract ways. Thanks for helping to put this one together. Life is like a jigsaw puzzle, I guess.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
