The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that I have serious trust issues, I have been trying to deal with my feelings that they are heartless machines... Not capable of love, etc.
I don't recall feeling this way when I was younger, I felt loved even tho I had been betrayed I believed they were capable of love. Now I'm jaded...
I think my problem is that I want the physical relationship but I want a guarded emotional relationship. I want them in my life to a certain extent but not too far in. Not moving in, getting married, telling me what to do in but just casually go to dinner, movies, dancing, great sex in. I'm really starting to think there's nothing wrong with that. Why can't I have a "friend" that never becomes "boyfriend or husband"? In the past I used to get right into moving in... wasted NO time! I am VERY happy with my life the way it is except for this one thing...
I'm torn inside between setting a good example and being a good mom to the kids and getting my needs met. I can't seem to find a balance, partially because I'm so isolated, partially because my kids are old enough to understand the deal if I was to bring a "friend" home. How do I balance doing the right thing for me and being a good mom who appears to be a virginal saint?
(((((((((Carolinagirl))))))))))), Very good question. I am not sure what will work for you.
For me (and I did this while still with my hub) I had some close friendships. Those met my need to have that connection with someone. A few ladies and some men. I was not isolated from them. I had that human connection. We went out (for those I live close enough to to go out with) we had fun, we had laughs, and I was able to let go the pain I kept in normally.
As for sex. Well how can I put this. :) There are ways that women can take care of that need to an extent without someone else. Even being in a relationship with someone does not guarantee that those needs will be met.
I guess I learned to be happy and accept what I was able to get at the time and am continuing this now as well.
Hope you find a way to get your needs met.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I can relate to much of what you've written. I know for me its important to look for people who can help me meet my needs. I also know its often easier to hide in isolation. For me right now the issue is structure. I have immediate survival needs to take care of.
I've been accused of "holding back" recently in meeting people. I am over compensating because I moved far too fast before now. I have too much to lose to do that anymore. At the same time I do long for a decent relationship.
I no longer feel abjectly lonely but I am isolated and I am aware of it and I am "willing" to deal with it.
My needs are certainly not being met while at the same time I'm a lot further along than I was a year ago when I was totally in the red zone of barely surviving.
As for sex. Well how can I put this. :) There are ways that women can take care of that need to an extent without someone else. Even being in a relationship with someone does not guarantee that those needs will be met.
I had to giggle when I read this, and I have to agree 100%.
I was raised with certain morals and a lot of those stuck with me through the years. That isn't to say I didn't rebel and try to ignore some of those.
I always knew when I was justifying meeting my needs, and yet I had that nagging discomfort that told me I knew I wasn't setting a good example for my daughters.
In the end, it wasn't worth it, honestly.
And as you said, it doesn't have to take two for that
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You remind me of me when I was in high school and college. I wasn't really into the "dating scene" and it didn't matter how it looked to some. My sister was always bugging me as to why I didn't date more. I had plenty of platonic male friends. I have never wanted to be "tied down" or made to feel like my life was any less important. Call me selfish. But I've always been fiercely independent since I was a kid. I was comfortable being alone or just having male friends with whom I could depend on. I call them "Rent-a-husbands".
What I have always loved about hubby is the fact that he's as independent as I am. When we lived in separate states, it didn't bother me when he couldn't call. There were months when we would go without talking because he was traveling all over the world. I knew he loved me. Having men just as friends is a thing of great beauty. They give you a different perspective on life. The same thing goes for men who have females just as friends. The funny thing is, is that hubby and I don't get jealous of each other's friends. It doesn't bother him that I go up and put my arms around my friends and he does the same. There's something comfortable in the fact that there is no jealousy involved. We are independent of each other yet depend on each other at the same time. The good men are still out there. Don't give up.
By the way, if there is just a physical attraction between 2 conscenting adults, and as long as nobody ends up getting hurt, then I say: GO FOR IT. It takes away the emptiness and longing for touch. Call me a rebel..... Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My parents divorced when I was 9.I remember my mom dating after that.She would dress up and go out.She was always a lady and was proud of that fact.She has told me that she had to break up with one man because he would keep her out too late.She told him she had daughters and needed to set a good example.I guess he just wouldn't cooperate so she broke it off,even tho she said he was a great guy otherwise. I remember him and another man she dated whose drinking became a problem for her so she broke up with him also.There was another that I don't think I met but I knew she dated him.The thing is,I have no idea if she slept with these men.She never said,and I never asked.She would never have brought them home for the night I can tell you that.If she did have sex with them,it was somewhere else. I do not think kids need to know all their parents' personal business.You can be discreet and still appear 'a virginal saint'.I don't think that is dishonest,I think children sometimes are not mature enough to understand adult things and so need to be protected until they are ready.Even then you don't have to spill your guts to them.You can keep some of yourself private. Hope that makes sense.I know I may be a dinosaur in this day and age.
There are ways that women can take care of that need to an extent without someone else. Even being in a relationship with someone does not guarantee that those needs will be met. 
