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I remember in the beginning I was so desperate to fill the hole in my life with a man. I guess I still want to find that but now I find myself to be much more wary. I have a hard time getting up the motivation to go meet people, I start thinking in terms of forever rather than it's just a date... I used to have lots of guy friends and now it seems like I can only think in terms of love or nothing.
So anyone else dealing with this? How do you get past it?
pfffttt, yeah, right there with ya. I started praying just yesterday to find love. I feel as if I am at a point where I need a new relationship (with a good man) to help me move, help me learn and help me unfreeze my heart. Because I am at a point where I am just shut down. I used to be a very friendly, flirty fearless person. I still am on a good day but those are few these days. It's not about my self confidence. I feel very good about myself. It's my heart and my lack of trust and I just don't see how I can gain trust in other humans again until I am in a situation where trust is given. I feel like I have done all the studying, I've failed a couple quizes and now I want to put what I have learned to the test with a real, live actual human being. I have men in my life but none of them that spark my interest. A couple who actually turn me off completly. So, there I sit praying for HP to put this man in my path, to help me heal my heart. He hasn't called yet LOL! In the meantime, I will keep doing what I've been doing and I will start doing more of the footwork. Once burned twice shy and I am going to need some help with opening up to a man again. But the desire is there and that is good because I was worried for awhile that the desire to ever be with or have a relationship with a man was gone forever. I am still healing, I have a long way to go but I am no longer opposed to the idea of sharing myself and my life. Now, where the hell is he? I'm waiting......
CG, I am pretty much in the opposite boat and am getting lots of interest. Go Figure. When I was on the lookout, no one was in sight. What does this tell me??!! When I am needy, when my glances are too often or last too long, when I linger a bit too long, etc. its just not happenin'. When I am myself and get on with my life and keep my focus on me and what I am doing and how I am feeling, am happy and excited about what I am into, etc. I have to beat them off...
ALL of us are at our most attractive when we are doing something or are into something we love.
NO one is attractive if they are looking for someone to do a job, take care of them, fill a giant hole, etc.
This is just my perception, ESH.
Because I came from a DV situation in my marriage (we are separated and have been for around 2 years now) I feel that I really am struggling to trust men at all, in any way, right now. I just do not feel all that comfortable with them, generally. Only the ones I know and trust- strangers or people I do not know very well I completely ignore. I know that I need to take some time, maybe a good long time and work on my trust issues which were massive to begin with (coming from the disease of alcoholism) and were compounded by the DV. So I am kind of in a permanent retirement re: men because I am in a kind of permanent full-time job being married to myself/HP right now. And its really good. I mean, I like the attention and am honestly complimented and I also like not needing to get involved. I am not even tempted, that is how powerful my marriage to myself/HP is, right now.
What I did is take all that longing, passion, romance, etc. and inject it into a love affair with HP. My imagination is formidable. I have worked all my life developing it after being born with a pretty incredible one to begin with. My mind and imagination are powerful (all of us have this) and I need to very consciously work with it and engage in it. HP is an extension of this, for me. A personification of it, in a way.
OK, this may not make a bit of sense to anyone but me but here goes...Hugs, J.
Hmmm I dunno hun, but I hope someone with some really great esh comes along so I can take notes for when I am ready to take that step back out there.
I think I may be laying some ground work right now for that. I have a few friendships with men, not that I see them going anywhere, but I can say that I have two men that I trust completely. And then and of itself is huge. The other I trust to a point, but that is as far as it goes. He pushes the boundaries of the relationship a lot. (He even proposed and than in and of itself was a red flag) But he is a kind and decent man, so I hold strong to my boundaries with him. I can even say that for the good it is doing.
LOL and I know this won't work for everyone, but I am seriously tempted to let my mom pick the next one. She has pretty good taste, and the one she told me about already lets me know her picker is good. I just do see "it" happening with him. (More my own issues with me than anything on that one) But I really think when I am ready I am gonna say ok mom what ya got, lol.
You'll find him and probably when you least expect it. Keep trusting HP.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
IF I were ever to get to the point of being alone I would enjoy the heck out of it and never let anyone get in the way of my independance again (okay know that sounded unhealthy.. ) anyway what I mean is I really take care of myself now and know I could even better without someone elses issues to deal, although there are times when it feels healthy and good (thus I'm still "in" ) I stay because of love and loyality and well, a million other reasons too, but if I ever got free of the negatives by getting out, I would enjoy it, and don't think I would want to be a "twosome" ever again!I'm all romanced out as far as anyone new goes, this one takes so much giving up of what I hoped for. So much readjusting what "should be" so much give and I know he tries too, it's just so hard. I've put in too much work to give up when it is just now really getting better (thanks to alanon) and definitly too hard to ever think of putting that much effort into someone else!!! If I were single every moment, every penny every day would be about what I wanted!-- and my adult children of course but mostly all about me!
ALL of us are at our most attractive when we are doing something or are into something we love.
NO one is attractive if they are looking for someone to do a job, take care of them, fill a giant hole, etc.
Jean, that's been my experience too. When my fiance walked out in 1999, and for the first time I saw the pain that my choices had brought to my family, not just me, that's when I really started a committed journey into discovering self.
We had a really nice fellow who attended our AA meetings here about 4 years ago, and he took an interest in me! That just floored me, but I did realize I was no longer looking, was nurturing myself, and apparently that attracted him!
We had a few casual 'dinner' dates, nothing fancy as my youngest was along both times, and then we went to Sam's Club to get supplies for my AA group.
I enjoyed the time with him, but was also very glad to come home by myself!
Is that progress or what?
He relapsed a short time later, much to the sadness of several of us in the AA group who had become fond of him. The grief I felt was for the loss of a fellow AAer to the disease though, not as a 'potential mate'.
Fortunately he only called a few times after that, quite drunk, I wasn't interested, and he pretty much dropped off the face of this earth.
I also briefly dated a former boss's father-in-law, who turned out to be a very negative person, and always on the go go go (whereas I am a homebody), and that fizzled out quite quickly.
I can't tell you when it happened, but today I have filled that 'hole' that I used to try and fill with a man.
I'm content to not have anyone in my life.
I get the campus tour next week at the college I will be attending, and I will start some very intensive online classes this summer-1 semester crammed into 6 weeks, and I can't wait!
Life is good, and my cup runneth over!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
CG - I'm right there with you, too. Most days I think that I'm quite fine all by myself. I enjoy my own company - and the FREEDOM to do things when/how/where/if I please. I don't want someone coming in here "cramping my style". I love the freedom aspect of not being hooked up. On the other hand - there's the loneliness issue. It doesn't rear it's ugly head often (fortunately), but when it hits......it hits.
I just honestly don't know if I have the energy or will to go through the whole dance of getting to know somebody new and all of that. (Gosh.....I sound like I'm 100!). But to me - it just seems like work. If I could meet someone in a setting where I get to know them casually over time until a fire sparks - then THAT would be ideal for me. Those kinds of things would normally happen at work, or church, or a group that you attend regularly. And checking that list - I have to say No, No, and No in my case. So the alternative is meeting someone by random chance or something. Ew... strangers. Not into that.
Gee......if you were looking for ESH.....guess I REALLY let ya down with this post!!! lol
I have known my AHsober since I was 19 years old. I have been married 34 years. He keeps hammering with divorce and finally showed me divorce papers. I have lived alone for 3 years; empty nest and all. The only plus is that I now know I can survive by myself. If this was my choice and I had decided that I no longer loved my husband I think that I would view things differently. Plus he dumped me in a very small, ethnic, rural area. Too gossipy and limited for me. I think a real big plus if I would ever consider another man would be that I now know about the disease of alcoholism, addictions and behaviors, and my own tendency to try to fill a whole with people. I do think that it is healthy to socialize and get help and support from other people. Of course, I am WAY older then you and I go to bed at 9:00 pm.
Hey, I hear ya! Currently married and for many years thought growing old alone was very scary. These days its looking darn appealling as things have gone downhill in past years. I guess A is a progressive thing--my daughter asked me the other day--when AH was being particularly nasty and disagreeable--what did I ever see in him? I explained that he wasn't like that when I met him, that I thought he just didn't like growing old, maybe afraid of his mortality (I don't think she is aware of his addictions).
Most days I think I would be better alone....when that day comes, I dare say I won't be very interested in "dating". This chick has been scalded and has no interest in being hurt again.
Yeah, the age issue is relative, too, maybe. I am 44 and I have been married twice now, dated tons, have had lots of great sex and lots of mediocre sex and you know what? That is all pretty much a-ok enough for me. I do not need to perpetually be having acrobatic romance novel smoke and mirrors sex forever, ya know? I really dig the quiet of my life and I am also usually in bed by 9 (be PROUD of this nmike!!!! I do not at all feel like an "old lady" and no one would describe me as such (usually it is assumed I am younger), I am a woman who does as she pleases and as a result, is pretty pleased with her life, etc. Really, at this point I have no regrets. I honestly do not. I have made a ton of mistakes in relationships. I have hurt people. I have been hurt. It comes with the territory (LIFE). I have a ton of trust issues and may choose me/HP for the rest of my life, who knows- I have LOTS of relationships with friends and family, its not like I do not have any relationships in my life. I have learned so much self/HP love through al-anon and the key word to all that is ACCEPTANCE. I learned that once I accepted myself and loved myself, the rest just fell into place which is what I think THSKS said in a recent post (not on this string, another one).
Each one of us needs to get our groove on and walk to the beat of our own drummer. What do you love to do? What are you interested in? Get it on BIG TIME. Do it and do it. This is the path of beauty, I think. The rest will fall into place. Hugs, J.
I now enjoy my own company.........but there are times when I would so love to open my heart again.
I guess for me......just it's not the right time.
I've had plenty of offers..and there are currently 3 men who would happily step up to the plate. I've learned so much with my wonderful Alanon family...............most of the time I am on "Red Alert"............and it's been vociferously pointed out to me. No matter...............I'm not about to give up my independence to any man who can't prove he is the best for me.
Truth is...............I am still in love with my ex A.
Until I can get past that................there's no way I will head into another relationship.
