The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As the topic says, I'm needing some esh about my sponsor please. I do have one, and we get along quite well. We are very much alike and that is very comforting to me. I'll give you all a little background about me and then let you know what my trouble with her is.
I have 3 kids: Jonathon is 13, Bryan is 10, and Katie is 5. Bryan is Bipolar, ADHD, and ODD and has lived with my sister for the past 14 months and is doing very well with her. I chose to let him live with her because I was having tremdous difficulty with him and his behavior. I tried to get him treatment for the behavior and the state said he hadn't commited any crime therefore he didn't need to be in residential treatment. WHATEVER!!! (He IS on medication and has been since he was 3 when he was diagnosed) I wanted to PREVENT him from commiting any crime! They didn't see it that way. He started running away while I was at work and my mom was watching him and his brother and sister. The first time he did it, his bother got on his bike and went after him and brought him home. He had gotten about a 1/4 mile down the road. We live in a resort/retirement community and there is security (police). With working at the local gas station, I saw them every day and talked with them. One of them I talked to about this and told her that I had informed him that behavior that like was completely unacceptable AND illegal and if he chose to do it again, the "police" would be called. I also told him that he would be taken to juvinile hall and that he would most likely be hurt/beaten up there becuase of his smart mouth. He assured me that he "could take care of himself". He said he could take any one who messed with him. The grandious attitude worried me. When I told the officer of this, she said let him go and then call them, they would bring him home. Sure enough, about a week later, he did it again, my mom called me at work and I told her to call security. She did. They picked him up and brought him home and told him if he did this again they would be taking him to juvi. He stated he didn't care. The fact that he was sitting in the back seat of a police car didn't phase him in the slightest. While all of this is going on, my mother and I are attempting to communicate to the people who are supposed to handle this type of behavior what this child is doing. They did nothing. My sister, who lived in Florida at the time, graciously said she would take him and take care of him. I told her I wasn't able to send any child support as I only made $6.75/hr, she said that didn't matter. She felt a NEED to try and help him. I said ok. (Who am I to argue with an unexplained NEED??) So, she came and got him in January of last year. He's lived with her ever since and is doing good. He still has his issues but the destructive behavior is no longer there. My sister is an elementary school teacher and has more patience than a saint. She has been able to give him opportunities that I am not able to because of the money she makes. She also takes things away from him when he miss behaves. She doesn't have legal custody, but she does have power of attorney. I see him, talk to him, and am there when he plays soccer.
My other two children are being cared for by my mother because when I decided to move out with Michael 9 months ago, I didn't take them with because we didn't really have a place to stay. It took us about 4 months to find a big enough place for all of us to be in, but I chose to leave them with her while I finished school. During this time, he decided to get and stay sober and I started Al-Anon. That is where I discovered how truely screwed up I really am and how much I needed to get better. I also have discovered that I'm not fit to be their mom full time. I have to learn to take care of ME before I can take care of a child. I'm responsible for another life and that scares the hell out of me! I know I should have thought about that BEFORE I had them, but I was young, 18 when I had my oldest, and thought I knew everything. I actually went to the clinic. I was sitting there and my mother asked me if I was ok, I said NO! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE???? She said I needed to make a decision before it was too late. She also said she would back me and help me whatever I decided. I got my money back and we went home. (I'm Catholic and that went against EVERYTHING in me to even WALK through those doors) But, my mom has stayed true to her word and has helped me with everything in raising these kids. When I left her house in June with Michael and decided to leave the kids there with her, I talked to her about it later and she and I decided that it was the best place for them becuase it had been thier home for 4 years. It was the only home my daughter can remember. And we didn't think it was fair to drag them around with me when I didn't even have a home. Children don't deserve that. When I left, it was selfish, and my life was wrapped up in my A. After being away from the kids, I realized that. I've talked to them about it and they are ok with staying here. Before this past 2 weeks, I would visit overnight every weekend. And in constant phone communication with them and my mom on what they were doing and how they were doing. Fast forward to now: I'm staying here while I get a job, car, and a place to live. (Side note: talking with my A last night on the way home, I think he's starting to see things more clearly. He said something about us living together. He said he didn't know if his big hang up is the fact that I don't have a job and that he put me through school and I don't have a job in that field yet. I reminded him that I've only been out of school for a month and only one of my 5 classmates has a job in our field (Medical Coding/Billing) He said he knew that and he wasn't sure if this was what the main problem was. I told him I understood how he felt. We've been together for a year and I've not worked the entire time because I've been in school. I told him his entire attitude about our situation could change once I DO get a job. Right now I'm just focusing on a paycheck so I can get my certification. And it should be easier for me to get a job in my field then. He agreed and said that we would see what happens.) Like I said, my focus now is a job, car, place to live. My mom and I talked and agreed that there is nothing wrong with the living situation for the children. She is fine taking care of them. I said they would be there anyways when I was working because of her babysitting. So, with her they will stay for a little longer.
Now the issue with my sponsor. She has a problem with my mom taking care of the kids because they should be with me. She said that if I'm not going to take care of them and they live with me, perhaps I should give them up for adoption. I told her I didn't know what that would do to them. She said what is what I'm doing to them now doing to them? I see her point, BUT I'm not going to do that to my children. They know I love them and that I'm doing the best I can to take care of them. We have talked, the kids and me and my mom, and they understand that I'm not well and they are ok with living with my mom. When I start working, I'll see them after work and then go to my house. It wouldn't be any different if I lived with them at my mom's house again. I worked, came home, had dinner, and they went to bed. I haven't talked with my sponsor all week because I'm upset with what she said. I know that I don't have to do what she says, I take what I need and leave the rest. But, I think suggesting I give my children up for adoption is over stepping a boundry somewhere, isn't it? I haven't talked with Michael about this. He feels I should have the kids too. I don't think they realize just how screwed up I am. I don't know how to take care of ME, how can I take care of someone else? It's no different than "taking care" of the A. I'm not fit to do that either. Mainly because I don't NEED to. But, my point is this: I KNOW my kids need me, and they have me, just not 24/7. I told my oldest son that there was something wrong with me and that I needed to try and fix it. He's a very intelligent young man. I told him that I never learned how to take care of myself before I had him, and that I don't know how to take care of someone else. He understood. He's ok with the way things are, he said when I get my own place to live, he wants to visit me there instead of me coming over all the time. I said that would be fine. And who knows? Perhaps, this summer, I'll be in a place financially, spiritually, and physically where they can come live with me full time.
Does anyone have any ESH on how to handle this with my sponsor? I would appreciate it and sorry this is so long.
What strikes me is how open and honest you've been with your kids, and I think that's great. As long as it's working FOR YOU, that's the important thing. Whether it would work for your sponsor is not really the point, and if she's feeling the need to bring it up I would say that's "her stuff". Maybe say something to her like "I feel like my family and I have worked out something for my children that works for us, and I'm proud of myself for being open and honest with my kids about it."
I agree with thinkstoomuch. If it works for you and your family that is enough. Giving your children up for adoption is a very permanent solution to your situation. Trust your instincts here. If it feels wrong, DON'T go down that road.
I too have a sponsor. She makes suggestions, but overall is supportive of me figuring out what is best for me in HP's time. I am not in your situation, but I can completely understand why you would be upset.
In a situation like this, you must take the impetus off yourself and first consider what is best for your children. It seems you have explained, and your children understand - as best they can at their ages. If the whole family is making the best of this, (i.e. you, the kids, sister and Mom,) and things are working out, then stay with it, at least for now.
DO not concern yourself with your sponsor's suggestion. Behave as if the words never were spoken. The sponsor probably does not have the credentials to even consider making that kind of suggestion. Frankly, if it were me, I'd be looking for another sponsor.
JMHOs,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:49, 2008-03-31
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When someone crosses a boundary like this with me. I have to shut it off. I do not bring it up, I cut the conversation off and we never go there again.
I know its hard because I want to go into explain explain explain explain mode and that's no good. I end up getting very upset.
Childhood stuff triggers plenty of stuff for people. I know what my own mother 'should" have done. In maturity I know she was not capable of it.
I've been there with this kind of issue. The good thing is that when you cross the line to not allowing people to cross certain boundaries self trust comes in and it is the beginning of being able to do self care in a really effective way.
I think you are doing the very best you can with the situation you're in. You have been open and honest with your mother, your sister, and your children. If they are okay with the situation, then I don't understand why you would remove them from family that cares about them, and place them out into the unknown.
Your situation is hopefully a temporary one. You sound like you are working hard at completing your education and getting a job in your field. Steps in a very positive direction. You may not have the cookie cutter family - but you do have a family - and I can feel in your post that you love all of them.
That's a very heavy "suggestion" from your sponsor. I would personally take offense to it, and, like Diva, I'd be looking for a new sponsor. Just me.
In the meantime, continue to stay focused. And I hope you begin trusting yourself more. You seem like you're giving a lot of thought to what you're doing.
It's your sponsor's job to ask you tough questions, and not to let you rationalize the easy answers.
The issue here is not whether you should follow her advice or not - the issue is whether you take what she has said and actually THINK about it, rather than reacting defensively. I certainly don't know what you should do, and I doubt your sponsor does either.
Is the choice you have made truly in the best interests of the kids, or is it just easier for you this way? Are you making excuses for yourself, or are you working towards taking on your responsibilities? Are you upset with her because she has been unjust to you, or because you fear, deep down inside, that she may be right? Again, I don't know the answers to these questions. Your sponsor doesn't know. YOU know, though, if you are honest with yourself.
Yes, part of a sponsor's job is to comfort and stand beside you. Another part, though, is to help you open all the doors that you may be afraid to open. If she were just a cheering squad, she would not be doing her job.
Everyone has an opinion... but opinions aren't facts. Personally, I feel if I am throwing my opinion out there to my sponsee, I'm not working my program. Its not up to me to interpret my sponsee's family situation or dynamics. That's my sponsee's job (perhaps part of their 4th step?). Questions are good because they make you think outside your regular box. If there is confusion as to why a question is being asked by one's sponsor, one could simply say "are you asking me this because its how/what you feel...or because you are just trying to help me look at all angles/options?"
I could tell you how I feel about what your sponsor said, but I think it would be more constructive to direct you to the pamphlet "Sponsorship What It's All About" (P-31). This is a free pamphlet that every ftf group should have, you can also order it from the wso site. I'll just highlight some points from it for you...
"A sponsor is someone who willingly shares the experience, strength and hope of the Al-Anon program... who can lend a consistent ear and keep a confidence - someone who knows all about you and accepts you as you are... My sponsor gives me understanding without pity, an open ear that does not judge... Sponsors help us think and encourage us to look to ourselves for answers, using the tools of the program... Sponsors share compassion, but not pity; they offer suggestions, but not advice...
Under the Role of a Sponsor... *Never take another's inventory, but give honest answers if asked. *Never give advice or make decisions for a sponsee, particularly about family situations."
Everyone should have a copy of that pamphlet - it really helps to clarify things.
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
