The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As most of you know, hubby is a chronic relapser. He has had long bout of sobriety and then BAM, back it again. I am greatful that they are not as severe relapses as they use to be. But I am also keenly aware of how this is a disease of progression.
I sometimes wonder if it is almost easier to live with an active A that constantly drinks or drugs, rather than one that goes for days, weeks or even months without taking a drink or drugs and then back at again? I'm not wishing that he would go back to everyday drinking. I cherish any day that he's sober. (We had such a great vacation!) It's just the ups & downs that can get to me. Why today? Who knows? I'm not sure why he does this. I know he gets upset about it. I know this is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease. Heck he even tells me when he drinks (even though I know already).
I know my program works because these days (like today and yesterday) I was calm about it. I'm certainly not the raving maniac I use to be. I sill tell him how much I love him and I do with all my heart. I find myself getting more frustrated at it rather than angry. A small part of me is starting to fear that I will loose him to the disease. I know he doesn't want to die. But I sit hear questioning myself if I'm doing him more harm than good sometimes. I don't buy booze for him. But I do make sure he takes his meds. Because if he doesn't he will die b/c of his high blood pressure and other illnesses. We do talk about our recoveries. But he has to do his legwork, I can't carry him. I can love and support him, but his recovery is up to him and his HP not me.
I guess I'm just having one of those days. Maybe I'll go take a nap before work tonight. It's pouring out and a couple of hours might do me some good. Thanks for letting me vent. It just feels good to get it out. Love and blessings to you all.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Because my partner is a once-or-twice-a-year binger, I totally understand your frustration. Unlike you, I have not conquered the anger and bewilderment that comes with the sudden letdown in trust. I have, however, come to understand that this is going to happen, like it or not, for the rest of his life, and I have planned my life around removing myself from harm's way, both legally and financially.
Sometimes, like today...it is damp and overcast...my mood reflects the weather. He has asked me if I am all right. I say, "Yes". and go on. I know I will snap out of it. no need to attempt to discuss it. Only makes him edgy.
So take your nap, dear one. Stretch out with Pipers Kitty, and allow your mind to wander into dreamland. Enjoy that floating feeling of being not quite asleep, but not awake either.
Take care of yourself Karilynn. You'll be just fine.
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well speaking as someone who as associated with someone who never wanted recovery, never sought it out and is certainly either in jail, sick or out there I would say there is some progress in someone who relapses. There is the inevitable progress in someone who doesn't even try to get sober.
I also know for sure that living with someone who is struggling is tough going. For me just dealing with my own issues is a real real challenge. I remind myself daily who said it was going to be an easy ride?
((((Karilynn)))), I to have wondered the "why" of a relapse. It always to me felt out of the blue. But i know for me wanting to know the why was so I could stop it from happening again. For me the answer to why no longer matters. He is an active "A" who does not want recovery.
I hope you enjoy your nap. Hehe sounds like a good idea to me.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
The ups and downs can be so very hard... but I have to hand it to you for truely enjoying the good days... You have been such a source of strength to me. Thank you for being here...
I wish you enough...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
K, yes, the disease is progressive. It gets worse as they age, not better. This is so painful to me, too. I think that all we can do is accept these facts. Acceptance of the truth is all we can do. Then make choices from that. You have been a source of much inspiration here and for me, personally. I am so glad that you post here and especially so on these days- your honesty is wonderful and refreshing. Always, you come through like a wonderful fresh breeze, K, its your gift to all of us. Hugs and love, J.
(((((Karilynn))))))) I know how heartbreaking those slips are. My A can go long stretches of time without drinking. Those days are gifts. Absolute gifts. Then he hits a wall and he's gone. And I have such immense sadness and loneliness when he's drinking. Because the him I know is gone. He doesn't get ugly, he simply disappears into himself. I don't and never will understand what happens. What the trigger is. Why he "goes away" like that.
But today I realize that it does NO good to keep asking "why", but I must simply accept that it's the way he is. I don't have to like it or live it, but I do have to accept that as fact.
Having read your story, I'm so inspired by your character, your patience, your understanding, and your obvious love for your A. You allow him dignity. What a beautiful thing. And you do all of this while you take remarkable care of yourself - and show such compassion for everyone here (and dare I say, probably everyone you know in your "real life", too.)
I sense that you know that this day will pass for you, and you'll start again tomorrow. Sounds like you do need some rest. Take good care.
I've often thought that it must be harder with a binger than an every day drinker. I doubt if my husband went 30 days - total - without a drink from the age of about 16 until he was 51. At least I had some idea of what to expect.
Such a question, none of it is easy dear friend, I can remember just waiting for that shoe to drop.
My husband had 4 yrs of sobriety at one time, I don't think any of it is easy. It is the life you have standing beside the one you love good or bad, I commend you for this, always remember where there is life there if hope. Who knows why the relapses occur, who knows why this disease is so awful.
One true thing is death can be a result of years of abuse to an alcoholics body, this I know. I am keeping you both in my prayers. Maybe, just maybe today will be the last drink, I am praying.
