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I recently celebrated my one yr al-anon b-day and to be honest, I thought I'd be a lot farther along in the program/with myself at this point. I'm amazed at how just one thing can throw me off course.
When I list all the reasons I should hate my husband, the list is enormous. Reasons to love him, uh, not a lot. Right now I can think of two. 1) he's the father of my kids and 2) the kids LOVE him. In the whole scheme of things, "big whoop". Yeah, not good reasons when standing alone.
The thing is, alcoholism/drug addiction wouldn't be on the top of my anti-list. Maybe I say that because I lived in denial for about 10 yrs. Yep, thought he drank a bit too much socially, but had no idea what he was doing away from me. Contrary to what has been said here on this board, I think I am realizing it is the person I don't like. Did the disease cause him to be who he is, or is that who he was all along and the disease just became part of it. It is all so baffling. I hate it! What caused what, when, why and how... I have a need to know, but need to accept I never will. The sad part is that down deep I want to know so that I can justify hanging on, with the hope that it all can be better.
I've realized tonite that my "detaching" has been doing him a favor. By staying silent, with as little comment as possible, he doesn't have to acknowledge any truth or guilt. Okay, "acknowledge" is not the right word. Correction, he doesn't have to hear any truth that results in guilt.
Now here is the impetus for my vent.
As I have mentioned, we have a new building for our business. Behind it, we have another acre. Throughout our building ordeal the neighbors expressed concern with the looks of everything. Well, our actual building and the acre it is on is absolutely stunning, but in the moving process a bunch of stuff "temporarily" collected on the back property (seprarated from the front wtih a fence). Of course, the stuff is still there. Tonight I get a phonecall from the woman who sold us the property that the neighbors are in arms because there is an old camper on the property with a homeless guy in it. Huh? Let's just say it put them over the edge. Yep, it turned out to be a "program friend" whom my ah gave permission to park there temporarily while the guy waited for another place to get cleaned up from him. Or so the story goes. He said the guy kept asking. The guy is not local, so the only way he could ask about the property is because my ah told him about it and gave it as an option. What an idiot!
So, I passed the first call to my ah's cell phone and then didn't answer the second which was coming from the griping neighbor. I called my ah to make sure he deals with it (cause I won't). In our conversation he proceeds to tell me how he was just trying to be a nice guy and the program was talking about saying "yes", and he was trying to be nice, and no good deed goes unpunished, blah, blah, blah. He also admitted the property is a mess and needs to be cleaned up, and he is going to do it, but when will he have time? The sad thing is, years ago he never would have let any junk accumulate, if even for a short time.
Again, I just listened, only making the point that the stuff has been there since July. I also requested he ask for help because if he hurts his back again, and I am certain he will, the whole cycle we just finished will begin again.
I wish I told him that the problem lies in that he says "yes" to the wrong things. He needs to say "yes" to honesty, integrity, family, keeping promises, and all the things that really matter and then he wouldn't get caught up in such binds.
I ended up having a conversation with the messenger after I spoke with my ah, as she is also a friend. She made a comment that some people make themselves sound fragile in order to manipulate the other person into not telling them what they don't want to hear. That is it exactly! I am truly afraid to talk to my ah because I always end up feeling taken. He is absolutely brilliant. Everytime I end a conversation I wonder why I responded the way I did, when what I should have said was so very clear. I makes me mad at myself and ultimately I know it is my issue, but I just can't seem to figure out how to fix it. He has such an incredibly powerful hold on me.
I feel so stagnant, now especially since ah wants to postpone the divorce. I need this all to end, but then again I want to give our business the strongest chance of reviving, and more than that, keep from disrupting my kids lives any more than they already have been. I am just postponing the inevitable, but if I could just get stronger in the process I would be so grateful.
Good night,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, when they say it is a progressive disease, this is what they are talking about. Sure a few years ago things wouldn't have been like this but the disease progressed. And it will continue to progress. You cannot cure it. I know how ambivilent I felt after I started divorce proceedings. Infact, I put it off, stop pursuing it for 2 years. I went back because he went to rehab and was totally committed to us as a family and was on his meds and it was all brand new to us so, I HAD to give it one more shot. I was scared, I was leary but for the sake of the kids I had to try. What if.......And we all know where I am today. I am ok, but I had to give it that one last shot. His sobriety and his infedelity were not connected. He was sober and having an affair. The stress led him right back to drugs but he was sober working a program and still looking for the one who was going to save him from himself.....I stepped down from that position.
Maybe you need to give it one more shot? That is an answer you will find within your heart and with your HP. You will know the right answer when you know. But as much as we want to protect our kids, the chaos the is unavoidable. But as with everything in life it will pass. But we have to go thru it to get to the other side. I would say that for me, I just closed my eyes and held my breath and jumped. I hate that sensation of not knowing. And the worst was I was holding my 3 kids when I jumped. But we have landed and it was bad but it is better than it was. When we are confused, we do not have to make any decision. No matter what you decide, you will be ok. You have come so far in a year, I can see it even if you can't. I remember feeling pressuered to leave my ex because of what other people may have thought. I got over that too. Other people will never live my life or take care of my kids so they are not qualified to make decisions for me. (((((lou)))))
It's hard for me to imagine that you feel you haven't grown, I see that you have grown so incredibly much over the past year it's amazing. I remember when you first started out and he still lived with you and was having an affair with the other woman at the same time and the craziness. I think maybe you're not where you wanted to be by now but you're definitely a LONG way from where you were.
I know there have been lots of times when I thought doing something to benefit him would help me too but it never worked out that way. I don't know if you waiting will really help or if it's just one of those things that look good but end up not making much difference. It has been very hard for me to give up the fantasy that he will get better and we'll live happily ever after. I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't know if it's the disease or just him you don't like. For me it came down to the fact that I couldn't separate the two because he IS the disease so when or why doesn't matter, the fact is it IS what it is now and that is life on life's terms. Taking what is and making decisions based on that. I always want to work with what "could be" and that hasn't been very good for me!
((((((Lou)))))))), I agree with carolina girl, there is grwoth there. I know that I am the harshest judge I have. Progress, not perfection.
A very wise person told me yesterday that the opposite of love is not hate, it is anger. I agree with him.
I would encourage you to not make a choice in the heat of the moment. I did that twice and have regrets, not about the choice I made, but how I handled it.
Keep coming back, we need you Lou.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Lou, the title of your post is incredibly brilliant. Just gotta say that, nice work!! Wish I had thought of that!
You have made progress. I have witnessed it. So have a number of others here.
Our distorted thinking does not allow us to see this! This is our disease. This is why we must get ourselves out of isolation and into al-anon meetings, chat rooms, sponsorship, service, etc.
Lou, I could totally see my own AH doing the EXACT SAME THING AS YOURS re: "helping others" (would they lift a finger to help anyone else? NO). The disease thrives on them appearing as kind and generous. He no doubt thinks he is working a good (I will take that back- GREAT) program by "helping" this person. This situation is an engraved invitation for him to focus on someone else instead of himself...
You did what you needed to do which was pass on the message. The let go and let god. Its in HP's hands.
RE: him hijacking the conversation re: his brilliance, I think you might want to take a closer look at that one. You are giving all your power to his perception of what is "right" and undermining your own which is what we do that makes us feel nuts and worthless.
If I were you, I would increase my attendance at meetings, make more program phone calls. Really consider creating an "Advisory Board" to bounce things off of and use it on a regular basis. Goes back to the distorted thinking issue which it looks like (to me) that you are battling with.
Believe me, in a few years its gonna be HIM living in that trailer on that property... Hugs, J.
Actually, I think a lobotomy would have been a lot less painful for me in my journey towards self-discovery and letting go of the AH!
I could really identify with what you said about feeling stagnant.
I was with AH for 5 years total and when I finally did marry him, we were separated less than 6 months into the marriage. That was a record for me.
By the time I moved two hours away for my own safety and sanity, we hadn't been 'together' for a year.
I kept that ring on my finger for 2 more years, even though he had moved on to someone else.
I kept waiting for him to file for divorce, meanwhile stagnating in my own stinking pile of self-absorbed, refusing-to-take-action doodoo.
It took him calling me in a fit of rage, threatening to come and cut my brakes if I didn't get the ball rolling on the divorce, for me to take action. I just wasn't too sure that WOULD be the one time he would drive the two hours regardless of what shape he was in and either cut the brake lines and/or beat me to death.
Sigh.
So I filed and it was uncontested.
When I took that ring off, it felt like I had lost 100 pounds!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
