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It's been over a year since I last posted. Briefly, I was living with a BF (and father to my now 2yr old son) whom has a Hx of 4 DUIs, has lost his DL for life and is currently still of probation for his last DUI. He has always been a weekend binge drinker. When I met him he was in recovery - but court ordered. Just before becoming pregnant he started drinking again on the weekends & this continued after the birth of our son until I set limits (after several tearful conversations) stating that because of his negative history with alcohol I would move out with our son if he choose to drink. All seemed to be going well (except he did seem emotionally distant often). He went to a few therapy sessions but refused AA. We set a wedding date but then only 3 days before we were to get married I found out that he had been sneaking drinking so I called the wedding off and began making arrangements to move. He followed with many apologies and "I'll change now" comments and seemed very sincere. Soon after the drinking discovery I stumbled across a lot of internet porn and several online dating site memberships that he later confessed to use like porn. Turns out he has a sexual addiction as well. I found this all out about 4 months ago. He has been in weekly therapy since & started a 12 step group with SA (he seems to be focused more on his sexual addiction and hasn't mentioned much of his alcohol abuse). BTW . . . I did move out of the house. He seems determined right now to bring us back together. What have been others experiences? I don't want to raise our son in a household where his father either drinks or acts out with porn in secret. But at the same time I'm mouring the loss of what I believe should have been for our relationship - I wish I could have raised my son with his father (but only in a healthy relationship) and when I hear his Dad tell me how much he loves me and wants to set things right I fear that I allow myself false hope. Also, if I were to pick a support group would al-anon or cosaa be more beneficial? Thanks for "listening" and any advice ~
((((((suzydawn)))))))) Your hands are full. When I first read your post, I was thinking "wow...and she keeps taking him back?!?!", but then I reviewed my own story and it's not all that different really. Your first considersation has got to be the welfare of your son. How is living with a man who has lost his license for life, continually lied, and who has an active addiction to alcohol and porn and sex - be a positive influence on the life of your son? I have an image of you having to take care of both of them. How fair is that to your son?
You obviously care about this man - but his disease is running his life right now. You're not going to be able to "fix" his situation. You're not going to "love it away". Those were tough realities for me to swallow in my own life. But they are realities. He's got to find and work his own program of recovery. Hopefully he will do that and he will be on the road to progress. But he may not. We're given no guarantees of anything. All you can do at this point is take care of you and your son. And if you don't take care of you - then there's nothing you can give your son. Find an al-anon or other 12 step support group for you. The steps are the same no matter which one you attend. Find one that you feel addresses your issues. You will come to learn that no matter what your A does, that you can and will be okay.
Addiction is a monster of a disease. It's very cunning, baffling, and powerful. Look how easily you were drawn back into the chaos. I'm right there with ya, suzydawn. I'm learning one day at a time that I don't have to go down that path my with my A. I can love him completely, but I don't have to go there with him.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please keep coming back.
Welcome back to your MIP family. You are absolutely in the right place. You have been affected by alcoholism. (I don't know if there is a special support for those affected by sexual addiction. It wouldn't surprise me if there is one. Perhaps you could call the local mental health association to find out.) Unfortunately it's not unusual for porn and alcohol to go hand in hand. Inhibitions are lowerd. The online dating doesn't surpise me either. I have heard of As doing both because they are impaired. It's hurtful I know. You know, perhaps he can only treat one addiction at a time. Addiction in any form is extremely difficult to deal with. There's shame, guilt and all those other issues involved. He might be trying hide bury those feelings with the alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying his behavior. Just trying to get a perspective on it. Perhaps through those meetings the seed will be planted for his sobriety.
My AH is a chronic relapser. I have found that by working my program and keeping my head in the game, I can handle his relapses better. I am certainly more at peace. Mind you, I still get frustrated with his disease. I am lucky in the fact his relapses only last a few days, and he's not violent or abusive. He gets a bit edgy. I think that's due in part to he has had long bouts of sobriety. I also get frustrated with his stubborness because he's one of these addicts who can't do it without AA. He goes to mental health but that's not enough. I have gone to open AA meetings with him. It has helped me with my recovery in understanding what they are going through.
I have to remind myself constantly, his recovery is up to him and his HP. My recovery is my responsibility. Only you can decide if you want to stay with him. Alanon will give you the tools to make that decision. It's hard when the love of your life doesn't meet our expectations. We so want that life together that we've talked about. Do what is best for you and your family. You don't have to decide anything today, tomorrow or next week. When you're ready the answers will come. Please keep coming back to us. Hopefully you will be able to get to some face to face meetings or join us online for some. Love and blessing to you and your family. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me I have quite often been grateful for my decision to never live with my A-bf, because it is so much easier to detach when I need to (like NOW for instance... he has been drunk for 8+ weeks). It has been a hell of a lot easier on me (and after all, I am the important one here... LOL!) than watching him do unhealthy things to himself, then not being able to take it anymore, then having to find another place to live, etc.... When he is using, I don't see or contact him. When he is in sobriety, I do. That works for me! I hope that you can find what works best for you and your son.
By the way... I like the experience, strength & hope that the others have replied to you. Thanks, guys... it helped me, too!
Although all of our stories are all different they are so similar in many ways. Instead of sex addiction I found my husband's gambling addiction and was horrified. I feel that alcohol triggers other addictions and continues the downward spiral that the A has no control over. It's so sad to watch someone you love do that to themselves. I haven't been to face to face meetings yet but I searched yesterday and found a local one. I think you are in the right place. I find comfort in reading the stories here, I hope you do too!
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
No rush - just because he wants to get back together doesn't mean you have to, until you really feel ready. Sounds like progress is being made, even if it's slow - you are moving in the right direction. If you saying "I'm still not ready" is too much for him to handle, it's a real sign that he's not ready for anything close to a healthy relationship either.
As for which meeting to go to - for most of us, it's a question of availability. We come to alanon because there are meetings in our town. If you have access to both, why not try both out and see where you feel best? I got involved in the group (I can't remember the name right now) that is the equivalent of alanon for sex addicts for a while, but there were no meetings nearby, there was no forum like this, and many of the women there had been forced into prostitution or porn by their sex addict boyfriends, which was not really my problem. Eventually I found that alanon was the most reasonable place for me to access recovery - it's all addiction, and anyway, the program is not about them, it's about us and how we deal with loving someone with an addiction.
You are absolutely in the right place. You have been affected by alcoholism. (I don't know if there is a special support for those affected by sexual addiction. It wouldn't surprise me if there is one. Perhaps you could call the local mental health association to find out.) Unfortunately it's not unusual for porn and alcohol to go hand in hand. Inhibitions are lowerd. The online dating doesn't surpise me either. I have heard of As doing both because they are impaired. It's hurtful I know. You know, perhaps he can only treat one addiction at a time. Addiction in any form is extremely difficult to deal with. There's shame, guilt and all those other issues involved. He might be trying hide bury those feelings with the alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying his behavior. Just trying to get a perspective on it. Perhaps through those meetings the seed will be planted for his sobriety. 
