(glad lee)
I am sure you know that resentments can eventually eat our insides up.

My experience with my sponsor's have been that once the relationship turns into a personal relationship we cease being sponsor and sponsee. I can be friends with my sponsor but there are limits she and I have both set on that relationship. It is my job to call her not her's to call me. My relationship with my sponsor is to work the steps and when I need esh I know who to call.

Please don't take offence to this but from reading your post I got the impression that you were a tad bit jealous of her relationship with her sponsor. Remember her sponsor is also your grand sponsor. The get together was to celebrate her birthday, and it seems to me that she welcomed both of you to her celebration. Had you wanted to discuss something in particular with her that intention should have been made at the git go.

When I learned to turn off the program that I am not as smart, not as good as everyone else I started getting better. It took a few talks with my mirror telling myself that I am as good as anyone else, I do have things to offer this world and my HP created me to fulfill his will for me. That will does not include sitting around feeling sorry for myself. If I find myself in the midst of a giant pity party I get out my ODAT and read all of the pages listed under Self Pity. For me that works to put things in perspective.

Glad - I read this more as a social snub rather than a sponsor/sponsee situation. (Maybe I read it wrong?). But I understand the feelings you're talking about. A get together of three women, in which the two don't really know each other, has always been a little difficult for me. It's gotten considerably better for me since I've gotten in my 40's. I don't allow myself to feel as "left out" as I once did. I join in the conversation, ask questions when I don't know what they're talking about (not in a pushy kind of way), and generally try to add to the social time together. But if I'm REALLY feeling like I'm being slighted, I make a mental note to either 1. ask my friend about it later privately; or 2. decline future invitations.

Now since this is a sponsor/sponsee situation, it's different. I think I would probably limit my contact with her to scheduled "program" time together. And if you're still uncomfortable, it may be time for a new sponsor. A sponsorship isn't a marriage. But do know that it's up to you to contact your sponsor. Don't stay silently miserable. Address the situation. You'll feel so much better.

Also - remember - she's working a program, too. She's not perfect. She's a work in progress.....

~R3

Dear Glad Lee,

When I read your post, my heart went out to you.

Several years ago, one of my good friends was perpetually late (about 20 minutes or so) to any get together we arranged (coffee, movies, dinner, etc.). When she would dash in all breathless and apologetic, I would say: That's o.k., smile, and push down any hurt or mad feelings. The first time or two she was late, I was annoyed; then, the annoyance turned to a simmer, and finally, when she was not only late but stood me up twice, to boiling, seething resentment. At that point, I was so mad, I was ready to drop her has a friend!

However, as I took some time to review the situation, I realized that ending the friendship in this context would have been drastic and unfair because I had not once voiced my growing frustration. In fact, I realized I realized there was no way she could know how I truly felt because I always smiled and reassured her that her lateness was fine. To be fair, I decided I needed to at least give her an opportunity to hear my feelings and the opportunity to correct her behavior.

I mustered up all the courage I had and set up a time (when I felt calm) to talk. I voiced how I had been feeling frustrated and resentful; I acknowledged that my part in it was not speaking up much sooner.

My friend, to my delight!, rose to the occasion. She was sincerely concerned and apologetic. She acknowledged that she tended to be late frequently. We then each took responsibility for solving parts of the dilemma. For my part, I made a decision (to myself), that I would no longer wait more than 15 minutes for anyone. At 15 minutes, I would give myself permission to get up and go. This keeps me from waiting and wondering and growing resentful. I haven't had to use this limit because my friend has been marvelous about showing up on time and/or communicating clearly as soon as possible if she is going to be late. We also developed our own friendship language to manage how we communicate about time. Sometimes, we say: "See you if I see you". This means the other is free to show up or not depending on their availability. Or, we might say: I'm hoping to go, but I'm not sure; can we play it by ear? Or, I might say: If you plan to come, can you let me know by X day or X time. I took the risk to share my feelings and as a result we have a super friendship today; really strong where I once seriously considered ending the friendship.

I share all of this as a way to encourage you to: 1) Reflect on the Situation (What's the heart of what has you really mad about this situation, what do you really want to see changed/different 2) Also, I encourage you to ask: What's my part in this situation? Once you've figured these two elements out, I really encourage you to speak directly to your sponsor about your concerns. For me, I often try to start with the positive: I really value your friendship; I appreciate all the fun time we have together. That's important to me because I want the other person to get my overall feeling/appreciation of what they bring into my life. Then, I focus in on my concern. I keep it brief, factual, and specific. For example, "The last three times that we have agreed to meet , I have waited more than 20 minutes for you to arrive and I'm really frustrated by your lateness...etc. I also ask specifically for what I want. In the case with my friend, I wanted her to communicate with me before she was late (not just apologize after she was late).

Hope this helps! TWYLALTR

BlueCLoud