The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son was 13 years old when his father and me ended our marriage. I was reading for my degree with the intention that, I would be the main bread winner in the family because of my AH's habit and the financial difficulty he had got us into; we had lost our home and had had to move to MOD married quarters - but the situation worsened, and he became dangerously violence, not just beating me up but threatening to kill me, meaning the physical danger I was in led to the Squardon Commander removing him from the marital home and not allowing him back into the home but placing him in barracks.
Furthermore, worse was to follow, the childrenwere in boarding school, but this was to finish because their father had embezzled the school fees and was to be Court Maritialled. Divorce was the only way forward, which he wanted but I did not, however I was dragooned by his Commander, the Corp Welfare fficer and my solicitor, not knowing that the latter two were both honourable member sof my husband's mess and should not have been advising me at all.
I was told, that if I really did want to help my husband get his alcoholism under control and work towards sobriety, the only way forward was for me to leave and that I would be required to vacate the married quarters and take the children with me. So, it was to be a new home, a new school and, as a result of the University Chaplain and my Personal Tutor and the Head of my Department, housing was found and I was given a welfare grant to help with the moving expenses and rehousing near the University. I had spent most of that summer recess in a Women's shelter, visiting the children at the boarding school in between and then arranging for them to stay with granparents so they would be safe.
By the time that they came back, my AH had been to stay with them at the grandparents(his father was an xRM and very in the know of the law, and the old boys network and he blamed me for his son's alocholism and embezzlement charges) and in between times, scared my daughter with suicidal threats.
As a result she would not come home to me but somehow, with the Corp Welfare Officer's help was moved into barracks by her father. My son came home to me and was beside himself, torn in so many ways, but adamant that he wanted to come with me to a home and a new school and said that he felt his sister would follow.
She did not. And by the first half term my son was not missing her. He went to visit and came back. He struggled on 'til Christmas when he was due to spend Christmas with his father and sister as she still would not speak to me. He had taken a lot of psycological abuse from both of them and was hurt by my grieving for his sister, which I know I did not handle well. He went down on 22 December and never came back. It took me until 12 February to finally get someone to talk to me and that was the court welfare office, my AH was going to take me to court to get custody of the children. I was horrified.
On the 26 February my world stopped...I went to court - just me with the University Chaplain travelling with me and met my Solicitor outside the court room - the Chaplain was told to wait outside...and walked into that court room with AH and FIVE top Officers from the Navy and the Royal Marines - The Company Seargent Major, The Band Master, The Adjunant, the Squadron Leader of the Physiatric Unit, the Royal Marines Welfare Officer and the Court Welfare Officer, and his barrister, after the Court Welfare Officer had tried to get the children to come to talk to me, they would not.
The Welfare Officer said that he could not believe what was happenin; He told me that in his opinion the children were too scared to meet with me, not because of me, but because of their father: he then produced two documents, one was written by an Petty Officer's wife, whose children were often neglected, regularly in trouble with the police and lived in a stinking, pigsty of a house and came to me for food, who had claimed I had abused her children. I was staggered! The second document was written by a fellow member of the Royal Marine Band who had recently moved into a MQ opposite but who I had never been introduced to and did not even know his name, claiming that I had run a red light house in the MQ. I did not even know what that meant.
The Court Welfare Officer(CWO) said that neither the Judge nor he believed these reports. The CWO had only met me once and I, at that time, had not yet met the judge. My solicitor never told me or showed me these documents before the court hearing, it took the CWO to do so. After I read these he told me that he was sorry but the law had it's hands tied and the children had voted with their feet. At the age of 15 and 13 the law could NOT enforce that they come back to live with me, even though the law did not think they were in a protective custody with their father.
Yesterday, for the first, I was talking with my son about something else, when in the conversation he said words to this effect, "Mum, you chose your education over us and you chose to live where you do. Me and my sister hear it over and over and over again that you miss us and wish you lived nearer to be with us, well it was your choice - no one elses to live where you do - the fact that you are still there and cannot move is nothing to do with us and do you ever think that we miss you and wish you were nearer us, because we do. Okay, you ended up there, maybe not altogether by your true choice but it had nothing to do with us, it was between you and da, end of!"
The truth hurts. So, that is what the children felt. That I had choosen an education over them. He said the matter was closed, was not up for discussion.
What LIES had they been given, they obviously were never told the truth and they will not let me say anything. LIES IN COURT, LIES BY GRANDPARENTS, LIES BY SOLICITORS, NEIGHBOURS, THE CORP, THE CORP WELFARE OFFICER AND THE CHEIF LIAR MY AH.
I AM SO ANGRY, FRUSTRATED AND LONELY TOO.
Still I pay for all that was out of my control, conieved and dragooned and my AH told me, when I left the marital home that he would see me in the gutter and take the children off of me.
I never quite made it into the gutter, but he most certainly took the children away from me and now I understand a little of why my daughter is how she is to me.
There's the truth and there's the truth, and the truth may never be told and I shall never right the wrongs, or get my truth told. God, I hate this, and I HATE THE ALCOHOLISM, IT HAS TAKEN S0 MUCH FROM THREE PEOPLE WHO WERE CO-DEPENDENTS AND INNOCENT AND ALL THIS IS 30 YEARS ON. wE THREE TRIED SO HARD TO BE A FAMILY WITH THE A and all he wanted to do was break me and take the children away, and so it goes on.
The healing is not there, and my heart is in bits again, though I need to work my programme. I just do not know how to work my programme with this revelation.
I know I have to LET GO, LET GOD. I HAVE TO BELIEVE WITH ALL OF MY BEING THAT HE WILL SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, THAT THE TRUTH WILL OUT AND THE CHILDREN WILL COME TO A PLACE WERE THEY WILL KNOW THAT I DID NOT CHOSE MY EDUCATION OVER THEM, though I see that it may have appeared so at the time, or could have been interpreted as so with the help of so many accomplished liar telling them so.
I feel that I am loosing the plot again and Grandad is now dying unrepentent and reconciled and totally uncaring of his part he played in this dreadful story that I have retold, whilst I still find myself broken from not being with and near those precious childen I tried to protect and care for in the best way possible.
I am loosing the plot, I just am.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
123, 123. Wrote a longer piece but one click and it was gone.
short form
You are powerless over others perception and need to blame. Its a symptom of alcoholism and growing up in it to have warped perceptions and to struggle to blame others. Your son is no exception. He's a future member we haven't met yet
God has restored you to sanity and serenity before, He can and will do it again :) Step 2 read it again.
Step three turn it over, let it go, Focus on what God would will you do with your life as it regards yourself, others, or other Al-Anon members. step 3 make a decision to turn our will and oour lives over to the care of God as we understand him
I never went through anything so horrible as losing my children, but i do find, often, that their memories of their childhoods differ very much from mine, about what was going on then. I think two things are going on - one is that reality looks different depending on where you stand, and another is that they have developed these versions, in order to make sense of their lives, for themselves. If they ever want to know how it looked, from my side of the coin, they have only to ask, and they know that.
People are not going to take kindly to having the whole story of their lives turned upside down - a lot of your son's identity is probably tied up in this story he was told and has told himself. No wonder he is reluctant to hear something that would upset the myth. You can let him know that your version of the past differs greatly from that which he has been told, and that you are willing to tell him, whenever he wants. Then, focus your energy on keeping the present day relationship as healthy as possible. If you try to force him to hear, you know it won't work.
Meanwhile, you know that you have told US the truth, and that we believe you.
I'm sure your X told your FIL many stories too so his anger is his truth and he truly believes it. Perhaps some day down the road you may be able to suggest to your son there are two sides to this story and your hope is that sometime he would be willing to hear yours. Just on the off chance he would interested someday. I would have had to slide that in there when he said the matter wasn't up for discussion. Especially since he surely has to carry some unnecessary grief over the matter. I know it's your nature to make it better and to explain...when the time is right it'll happen. Just keep that door open. Until then keep taking care of you. You know the truth.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am sorry that you are going through another re-hash of all this via your son...I agree with the advice here from Tugg, Linn and Christy, all of it is pure gold.
The only person we have any control over is ourselves.
What other people think of us is none of our business.
Let go and Let god. Jettison that whole pack o' crap to HP. NOW. There, its gone and now you can get onto something else (better, more positive).
certainly I lost absolutely everything last year with the A's actions. I cannot speak to why some people act like that. There are many many many stories of custody disputes. You are not alone in having a vindictive spouse. I am glad that you have not let this consume you. Certainly children can be damaged by lies, eventually I think many people get beyond the lies. There are certain times in one's life when its possible to look on what really happened in one's childhood.
I certainly have been victimized by alcholism. Right now I am surviving, barely that some days. There will be a time for healing if I keep working this program. I am glad you are putting out your truth. For me that is part of the healing. maresie.
My dear friend, What hit me was how your son refused to listen to your side.
Seems strange to me it was ok to have lies drummed into his head all his life.
If I were you, I would write it down. Keeping it simple.
For example:
Dear Son,
First I want to say I love you, and always have. Sadly as much as I fought, my children were taken from me.
I refuse to say anything to put your father down. I was not in control over what you were told by him and his family.
What I can tell you is my part of things....then just simply say what you just told us. Let him know what YOU did to try to get them. They must have known he was violent with you.
All you have to say is I was not safe with your father. I know that the only one we are responsible for is ourself. We make our own life,we cannot make someone be an addict, or choose to break the law....
I invite you to write this all down. Maybe edit it. Keep it for a bit. Make sure you get all you want out.
Then it is their choice to read it, and or believe it.
But at least you know you put your heart and herstory out there.
Part of your feeling depressed is you are being suppressed from letting your side out. that is not fair.
my say is,I listened to you, would you do the same and please listen to me?
I use that a lot. People can get so passionate and I just let them get it out....
All I know is you are a very kind intelligent woman. I see you walking this good walk, feeling healthier then you hit this brick wall. Well honey whatcha gonna do? Go around, go over, blow it up and keep walking??? what?
I sure know the pain we can feel over stuff with our kids. It is a gut wrenching one.
I remember not wanting to move.We need our childrens love.
Is moving where they are out of the question? Or would you even want to?
All I know is rest helps. Eat as best as you can. Do your best to know,everything will be ok no matter what.That is faith.
I like the keep it for a bit part and think it should be emphasized so I'll repeat it. After some serenity is restored, I think its a fine time to write more inventory of ourselves. If we are sticking to an Al-Anon inventory A glance down the table of contents can point us to pages that might be helpful. . More than one might apply but honesty is on page 11.
Whats going on to me is what happened to me as I worked the steps the first time. My life unfolded before me, as I learned a little I was prepared for more. God won't give us more than we can handle and more will be revealed.
Truth is a dynamic perception in that it changes based on our viewpoint. Its actually rocksolid like a diamond but as we look at it from different angles it appears to change. In a case like this, the truth often lies between the two extremes. Truth isn't negotiable. It just is what it Is. A apinter will use dark and light colors. A writer, light and dark phrases. Whenever two opposites come together, both are enhanced.
When there are always two sides to a story, our live ultimately become richer with more depth. Two witnesses to an accident often come up with differing stories. One of the first things I tryed to learn was to imagine something from someone elses point of view. I "put myself in their shoes." I have always been too harsh on myself and could not see my own view anylonger so I had to go further. I learned to look at it things from a viewpoint that I imagined God might have. High up, distant and broad, he can see the whole picture. I just strove to see more of the picture :) we can never know everything.
Early in recovery many of us beat a rapid retreat into self as a matter of preservation but looking at the world from only our own perspective is temporary. In General there are three views. As we learn those views. Our ability to be in a relationships with other people changes. When I work step 4 I am looking at the world and the people around me from my own angle. WHen I share with someone else in the fifth step, I open myself having another person view all of me from an angle outside of myself. This is healthy. Later in step 10,11 and 12 I look and act from this perception of God's vision.
This is Leonardo Da Vinci's study on perspective. See how the same thing looks different from other points of view? CS looks much larger from viewpoint T than F :)
Some of our problems are larger than they appear and others.... they are larger than they appear. ;) If we can see our part in a problem then we are in a situation of control and the answer is to ask for the courage to change the things we can. Like wise, If something is honestly not a part of our own making we are powerless and we pray for the serenity so that we are apble to accept it with grace and poise.
