The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm glad I have been reading up on this board (I have yet to attend a f2f) as I had to confront my AH tonight. He asked me what was bothering me and so I told him. I'm proud of myself that I didn't get angry nor did I cry. I just stated the facts--What I found, where I found it and why it made me unhappy. He denied that it existed and said I imagined things--why do I think he is such a bad person and would believe these things about him. He'd never do that. (Right.)
I explained that I was trying not to be angry because I couldn't do a dog-gone thing about it and my anger would accomplish nothing. I told him he had a problem and he needs to own up to it and get help. (I've asked him to get help several times before.) He said he didn't need any help (sound familiar?). I suggested AA or Narc A, rehab or a private therapist. I even told him that his work has an EAP program and the copays for treatment. Its a sickness and I hate the sickness, not him. Did I get that part right?
I did not threaten to leave, but I made it clear that the children are the first priority. They need good role models and that includes sobrietry. He thought I was saying he didn't love us which I assured him that I know he loves us. Right after denying all, he said he'd prove he could stop.
Now, whether he does anything, I don't know. I pray that he will, but understand its all up to him--I can't make him.
You seemed to have handled that very well. Nicely done. I am glad that you recognize the fact that this is a disease. I've always said that I love my husband but hate the disease. Sometimes it's not an easy thing to separate. Now continue to take care of you. Try to get to those f2f meetings. If you can't we have online meetings here too. Please join us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wow I am impressed. If it was me I would have handled it all wrong.
People always say why dont you leave him if he is that bad, and the answer is I do love him but I hate the person he has become thu drink. I just never knew how to explain how I feel. So I want to thank you for showing me how by saying you love him but hate the desease.
Good for you - sounds like you "meant what you said, said what you meant, and didn't say it mean".
I learned not to expect, ever, a positive response verbally from my A from any discussion of this sort. He would ALWAYS deny the problem, bluster, dance around it, etc. However, sometimes he would later, quietly, make some changes to his behaviour, if he could. Understand that I am not talking here about quitting, or anything like that - just hiding his stash in the garage instead of in the house, that kind of thing.
Your last line is very correct..... It is up to him, you can not do it for him, only he has that power.
I watched this disease take my husbands spirit, soul and very life. You and your family are in my prayers, I have two teenagers who lived thru hell with this disease. It is about your children first, so glad to see that in your post. Try and get help for you, make yourself as strong and as well as can be for them and yourself, they need you, because if you are well, they will be better for it.
Even at the very end of my husband's life after I had to make him leave the home, after 20 yrs of marriage it was never about the Love, only the disease.
I think the disease totally took the A bf. When I confronted him last year all I got was denial denial and more denial. I have no desire to confront him anymore. I think I also got false courage from confronting. I'd think he would change and he never did. I'd think I had put it out there. I wish I had been active in putting out a plan b early on. These days I really try to plan ahead even though there is no A. I would say that leaving the A was very very hard for me but it is and was easier than continuing to live with him "using".
