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Im in the middle of a divorce from my active AH. And I told my Mom, (who lives w me) tht I didnt want any kids over this week , incl my nephew.Who by the way wears me out.Hes extremely disrespectfull.He makes me bite my tongue,, alot...I wanted to spend spring break w my kids, and to pack my ex's things.So what does my Mom do ?She TELLS my sister tht I dont want to watch her child this week.I watch him every nite during the week.I feed him , and do homework w him, when they were homeless , I took them both in and clothed them.I treat him like my own.So Ive been on the phone all nite texting back and forth w my sis about how she thinks I dont want her child around ! Now its not like her ex cant or wont watch the boy while she works.And its not like they cant afford daycare.Guess she thinks Im at her diposal..I told her she was NOT going to make me feel guilty for wanting to spend time w my own children , and tht Im going thru alot right now. Shes mad, and Im sorry shes mad. She even sugested tht her son could stay at home by himself,hes 10.And very immature.So I suggested she ask her step daughter , who is 12 to stay w him.Her Dad works 10 min from thier house..So she could call him in an emergency.Guess tht isnt what she wanted to hear.She never offers to trade babysitting w me.I watch her kid everynite after school.No she doesnt pay me.URRRGGHH !!!!!!! Am I handling this right ?Should I have just said. ok Im off all week , Ill keep your kid too? I cannot believe my Mother betrayed me like this..........And she wonders why I dont keep her informed of things....... IM VERY FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my ex keeps calling my while hes drunk.................................
I think you handled it well up to the point you felt you needed to expalin yourself ...you don't have to. Whatever anyone elses problem is ..is exactly that, their problem.
You made a decision, it's your house, your time off and your choice to spend it with your kids. Maybe your Mom would like to go stay with your sister for the week :) Problem solved :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Sounds like your sister is trying to hang a guilt trip on you. I agree with Christy. The problem is hers not yours. Your sister doesn't even reciprocate by watching your kids, and she doesn't pay you either. Sounds like life is pretty good---FOR HER.
Don't let her make you feel guilty for wanting to spend some time with your own kids on their vacation. She doesn't realize how lucky she is to have you to watch her son--FOR FREE. Perhaps if you started charging her for watching her son and being his teacher after school she might appreciate what you are doing for her.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
It's not your problem. You have every right to say no, when you need to. If that makes her mad, then I guess she'll be mad at you.
Not all of us in alanon are people pleasers, but lots of us sure are. It is so hard to realize that the earth does not stop spinning just because somebody does not like what we do. Most of the time, people are mad for a little while, and then they get over it. You really do have the right to say "I'm sorry you feel that way. Gotta go now." and hang up.
I don't know I can stand on my head day and night with what I could and should do. I can get so easily caught in the middle. I think for me its so so key to keep what my plans are to myself. I live with lots of people in a huge house. I could be in the middle of many many disputes in a second.
learning boundaries and limits is very hard for us codependents. I know for me its an ongoing task. Perhaps we have to practice. Do you expect to be good at it first time around?
Thanks to all. I really needed to know tht I need to put myself and my kids first in my life. As for my Mom, well Ill cont to limit what I tell her, esp when it comes to discussing family members . Midget
I am separated from my AHsober. He keeps hammering me about a divorce. It is mentally and emotionally draining. My kid's are grown but it is all I can do to get dressed, do my chores, be a good employee, and hope for some happiness. If you were doing it, yes it would be insanity because of the disease. If they are doing then it is insanity because of the disease. In Alanon they tell us to take care of ourselves and that is exactly what you are doing. Yea, good boundaries. In all of this, my mother has really been more of an ally with my AHsober. Go figure.
I had tremendous issues with the a's mother and brother when I interacted with them. They were never more "up" then when the A was in crisis. I think its so so tough to learn who can and will be supportive. Some of my dysfunction was to keep returning to those where unsupportive for help over and over again. When I got to "hopeless' that was workable, as long as I still had some hope I'd keep going back to more dysfunction.
