The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh the things you can think...and disillusion yourself with!
I few months ago, I quit attending Alanon...but would at least try to make it online and push myself forward. My AH quit things....quit trying to drink...then began...the quit...RoLLeRcoASteRinG. My private prayers seeming endless and exhausting...then I quit coming to the posts here.
Now I have come the though that I am just as reckless as my AH. Things between us seem better--and I believe for the most are MUCH better between my AH and myself. But I am still reckless. Reckless and restless. I am still exhausting myself with private prayers that seem to go unheard and unhelped. My own blindness to the actual disease and its many behaviors. And I can't help but feel marred...hopeless.
It is so hard to bring myself down to the level of knowing that I am blind to this disease. The movements, choices and descisions that I have made seem to require more emotional depth that I am truly willing to bring to my stubborn senses. I know that I need to realize the present, but yet I choose to be consistantly blinded. And I think that hurts my nasty pride more that I would like to fess up to.
It bothers me...this illness of my husbands. It infects more of my relationship than I would like to think of. I'm jealous of the comforts and neediness that alcohol requires. And yet I know that it is unhealthy to harbor these feelings and still choose to do so. Maybe because it hurts more confessing and dealing with than to push myself to grow and heal. Easier to shove it under the carpet. Hide all from the world.
Just the other day, my AH mentions to me "I know I have a problem, and I know that meetings will help" but just a few months ago, he said the same with the exeption of attending meetings--they are helpful to the others, but not himself. So once again, I am sucked into the thoughts of yeah...hubby needs help...and guess what?? SO DO YOU!!
Why do I feel like this is something for me to fix? To deal with? To feel like I have to help him and be the alanoner for myself just as much as him?
Lots of anger and I don't know where to turn. So for now...JUST FOR NOW...I'll begin anew.
Hi, my name is Just For Now....and I'm new here.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
Wow! I really like your post! You may be new "here," but you certainly don't sound new to alanon. Your post sounded all too familiar to me and I could really relate. Thank you for coming back and for sharing.
For me, there was a great deal of comfort and security in living with the disease. As dysfunctional as it was, it was still my comfort zone. I was like Linus dragging his blankie around :)
I am a creature of habit, and change doesn't come easily to me!
Often times I have been guilty of digging my heels in saying 'Noooooo, I don't want to change!'
My sponsor has had a great deal of patience with me over the years, and allows me to stumble along, learning things the hard way.
As with most things in my life, I don't make changes until the pain becomes too great to bear.
I am so grateful today for a loving God, and a program of recovery that has taught me a better way to live life.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It seems to me that you might just for now be at acquiring a sponsor time.
Remember those caveats that come with all those crazy stunt shows?...like do attempt this anywhere especially alone? No the caveat isn't said just that way and this could just be a new Al-Anon version.
Sponsors, for me, are a major tool in my recovery.
I think all of us have walked in your shoes. For myself sometimes its so hard to see past the disease.
I do find that I am much better focusing on me and my program rather than obsessing about him and his lack of one. If I just remember that I can only change me, I am so much happier and more content with my life in general.
Great to have you back.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I definitely have been hugely reckless in my life. I'm certain it is something I shared with the A. I raged and raged and raged at the A in order to try to change him. What a waste of energy, it went round and round and consumed me totally.
I am glad you have come back. I can understand the desire not to deal with this issue. I lived, slept ate denial for years. I think for me its part and parcel of the disease of codependence.
Welcome back to the MIP family. The beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it any time we want. If I'm having a bad day, I can restart it again and again and again. There are no rules to this. We've all been on that rollercoaster ride. Frankly even as a kid rollercoaster made me sick! Couldn't stand them back then (I am wimp) and certainly can't stand the emotional rollercoasters now.
You came here because you realize that you need to get off the ride. Now's the time to find a more quiet place for you to relax and find serenity. Kind of like tubing down a very lazy river. Serenity all around. Alanon is your ride and the beauty around you is the recovery and friendship you will have along the way. Working your program is so worth it. Don't work it for him, work it for you. You want to feel better. Recovery is about you and for you. The journey is worth every bit of it. Pleas keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it any time we want. If I'm having a bad day, I can restart it again and again and again. There are no rules to this. We've all been on that rollercoaster ride. Frankly even as a kid rollercoaster made me sick! 
Couldn't stand them back then (I am wimp) and certainly can't stand the emotional rollercoasters now. 