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I just came across my AH's drug stash. This wasn't one of those times where I was tearing up the house, looking in every box, nook and cranny, it was almost out in the open. I only stumbled across it because it was hidden in a shoe and the shoes were in a rather unlikely spot, so I went to move them and the stuff shifted and I could see what was there. (I would say I was afraid my children would find it, but they don't put their own shoes away, let alone someone elses.)
Now I'm not sure what to do with it. The last few times I found his stash, I threw it the garbage, but I know that won't help--he'll just get more. I could put it aside as evidence in the event that I have to fight for custody, but if I put it away somewhere, it could be construed as mine. I could take pictures of it, but again, that doesn't prove who it belongs to--he could blame it on my teens again (that's pretty low, BTW).
The A who I was with used to keep his stuff in the garage/shed.
Personally what I do when I encounter stuff is pray a lot. I also try super hard not to go into reaction. In reaction I have done a lot of stuff.
I do know I did (when I lived with the A) react, obsess, react, obsess, react obsess and some more. I can't tell you how much that drained me. I was continually looking for him to behave otherwise.
For me some of what really helped was to focus really hard on a plan b. I didn't act on a plan b for a long long time but making one helped. I also focused a lot on what I needed to do.
Rage and obsessing really held me a prisoner for a long time. I could still go there but I make a huge point of not knowing what the A is doing. I also make a huge point of being aware of where I am. I can go to obsessing and being resentful in a second.
Goals helped me, turning it over helped me, detaching helped me - they are an addict, addicts "use". I kept looking for the A to change when he'd been an addict for most of his adult life. The conseqences for him were huge, he learned from none of them, that is one of the signs of addiction. One of the signs for me that I was in trouble was my sole focus on him and what he "did" to me. I had to practice the 5 G's. I know its very very hard, there is a lot of reason for you to be angry and obsess at the same time its really toxic.
I'm not someone to say let it go either, I think focusing on me is a very very very active thing to do and a way to channel the rage but its hard going at first and requires a lot of bringing myself back to the goal (taking care of me). The more I detached the more I focused on what I needed to do to take care of me, me not him. I can do nothing for him as long as he chooses to not be in recovey he's going downhill. I just elected to stop going in that direction with him.
Knee jerk reaction from me? (Keep in mind, I'm the tired, cranky one right now, though): I'd leave it where it is and when he came home, calmly, CALMLY ask him to keep his drugs some place more safe so the children don't run across it.
That's it.
I mean, really, that would be a reasonable thing to ask, right?
You're not asking him to stop.
You're not screaming at him and playing Mrs. Smart Detective who tore up the house to find his stuff and you've busted him.
Throwing it away does no good (as you said, he'll just blow more money to get more).
Moving it some place else wouldn't be any good, either. It's his stuff.
Photographing it? Maybe a good idea to keep a photo of it on hand somewhere - but that pulls you into the obsessing spiral, though - the planning for the worst, yadda yadda, and that NEVER is any good.
So, in any case, I'd say put it out of your mind, somehow (find different things to occupy your mind), get calm and serene, as your HP to take care of you and to take it. Maybe your HP will have a better solution.
In any case, just don't become combative or obsessive. It does NOTHING for you but make you miserable and ruin your day when you COULD be having a great day for yourself regardless what weird mischief your A is doing.
Today I am right there with you. I found cigarettes (precursors to the sh*t hitting the fan in a major way and I am talking hospitalizations). Right in his bag that he knows I look in (or should, I've confronted him with stuff like this before). Then he came in the room and on the tv was something on quitting smoking and he actually made up some detailed story about fighting his cravings to smoke and getting thru it. hah. And there I sat.
I am fighting my craving to confront. I like that idea of plan B. My plan A's have never changed the situation.
I remind my self: he is an addict, addicts lie. Nothing personal.
I called a progam person (she wasn't home, but I tried). And I come here.
I know that adrenalin rush of finding the stash--that's my part. And what I am trying to focus on is just that, what is MY part and how do I change.
If you find you just can't stand to not say anything, I like Aloha's idea - if in fact you are worried about the kids seeing it. If you really aren't, but just want to say something to show that you caught him - well, most of us here have found that being manipulative does not really prove too useful, when dealing with an addict.
Examine your motives (I know that I sometimes sound like a broken record - anybody think I should get "examine your motives" tattooed on my forehead?). What exactly are you feeling, and what are realistic possible outcomes to various actions you could take? Are you trying to protect yourself and your kids, or are you trying to control your husband? Remember that if nothing has changed, the past will predict the future - what happened last time you found his stash? If you confronted him and all that happened was you had a big fight, well, that's what will happen this time if you confront him.
It's great you have that boundary and can stick to it, TH.
But that is a good, hard question BooBoo can ask herself. Is drugs in the house acceptable? If it's not, what can SHE do to change things?
With an addict, that could mean separation - she leaves the A, or tries to kick A out. Or trying to "reason" with an addict and ask the addict to not bring those things in the home. If "reasoning" with an addict is even feasible.
Addicts are going to do what they want to do, though. It's not them who will change to give us serenity. We have to change ourselves to give ourselves serenity.
I don't see it as a black and white answer, personally. But that's me.
I agree - that is a very important question we need to ask ourselves.
For me, the line was not "no drugs" or "no alcohol", it was "no abuse". Even when he was active, I was mostly happy enough with my A (with the help of alanon tools) as long as he was not screaming abuse at me.
To me, this is a big part of "examine your motives" - what exactly am I angry at? - what is the unaceptable part of his behaviour? - am I being honest with myself and with the A about what is and is not a dealbreaker? This line will be in different places for all of us, and possibly in different places at different times of our lives.
The reality is, for most A's, if it comes down to "the bottle or me", he'll pick the bottle. This is fine, if this is what you want. If you don't want to live with drinking, Lord knows you shouldn't have to. However, if you only said it to control him, it backfires.
I agree with TH. Illegal drugs are......illegal. If (for WHATEVER reason) they raid your house - then both of you are going in and what would your children do then? Don't think it can't happen either. It happened to a neighbor of mine a few years ago. Very messy.
Having said that, I'm the first to admit that this is such a hard thing. You've got to decide where you fall on this question and if you're willing to set those firm boundaries, and make difficult decisions for the welfare of your family.
Keep in mind that not everyone is in a position to make and enforce that "no drugs in the house or you are out" boundary.
If the A refuses to leave, then either you have to call the police or leave with your children. It's much different then giving a child the boot . In my case I would have had to tell my A to leave the house that he works and pays for. He would have laughed. I haven't worked in 10 yrs, so where would that leave me? It's just not quite as easy as it sounds.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Awesome display of ESH here. A bag of drugs gets the reactions.
I was powerless. The alcoholic/addict drank and used when we were together; when we were separated when we were whatever whenever. I learned to accept the idea that I was powerless over the alcoholic/addict, the disease, the drugs, the cops and family court, the neighborhood grocer...just about everything and everybody except ....me. Go figure. So I left. I got away from the one I was married to, the one I was engage to, the next one I was married to, the one I fathered etc. Did they all stop using and drinking? No. I kept putting my program in a safe environment and that was away from drinkers and users. I wouldn't even bother to fight over the territory. As many more wiser people have said before me, "Life is tooo short to fight over. Just live it." There are gazillions of people who do their own thing in spite of other peoples' boundaries. They tear up the fences and pasture and scare the milk out of the cows. You threaten to hang or shoot one another one shows up almost at the same time.
So what do I do? I go to a face to face and listen, listen, listen and then I practice, practice, practice what works for others who keep their peace of mind and serenity with out a fight or power struggle. Detachment is artwork.
Aaah - so very right. I forget the advice: "Take what you like and leave the rest".
Kind of wishing I didn't miss my Al-anon meeting tonight. But a certain restaurant's hummus was calling to me. I think I may attend the Friday meeting, though - haven't been to that one in a couple weeks.
Growing up my Dad was vehemently anti-drug and just as forcefully.. pro alcohol. Things started to disintegrate in the house in my later teens with a lot of people in and out. One of my Buddies came in with a big bag of grass hanging out his front breast pocket and my Dad flew off the handle while one of his girlfriends was downstairs pukeing. Some how he managed to dodge his part of the girlfriend in the house scene and focused on the drugs in the house and was almost clear until his stash turned up. Yeha thats right, the guy had a stash to look cool for the young chicks.
Mom, didn't say a word then but put it in his sock drawer. In one of those lucid moments in the morning, during a hangover but before the remorse of all the nights before had drifted away, she had a few civil words about drugs, children, examples and girlfriends. He agreed with them all as long as they didn't apply to him. :) Things were catching up with him fast. The charade was in the daylight, he eventually moved out for a bit. when he returned the girlfriends and drugs were gone but he never could quit drinking no matter how hard he tried. ;)
Here's the thing: if you choose to set a boundary, you must be ready to stick with it. Otherwise it is like grounding a child by sending them to their room. In their room they have toys, phone, TV, computer, etc. Doesn't exactly work. Throwing the stuff out? Been there, done that, doesn't work. I do think it is reasonable (if you feel safe to do so) to calmly ask him to remove it to some place where the children can't find it nor come across him using it.
AH had a friend who hated the woods, but would always go out there to get high. His children couldn't figure out why he always out there. Dad didn't chop wood or anything. To his credit he never got high in front of his kids. When his kids got older, he moved on to another place. Granted they caught on eventually. But the point was he was not going to show his kids what he was doing. So perhaps your A will be willing to do the same. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I agree with TH. Illegal drugs are......illegal. If (for WHATEVER reason) they raid your house - then both of you are going in and what would your children do then? Don't think it can't happen either. It happened to a neighbor of mine a few years ago. Very messy.
Yes it does happen, and that's why I said what I said. I know of children who were removed from the home, and charges were put against both parents, including the non-addict.
We're not talking trying to 'control' the addict here. We're talking about allowing the addict to break the law by having drugs in the home, and potentially disastrous consequences to all.
I worked long and hard at my own recovery, to become a responsible member of society, and when I came home from errands early and caught my oldest not only smoking dope in my house, but then realizing it had been here all the time, that was the final straw.
I wasn't about to jeopardize myself or my youngest over that kind of unacceptable AND illegal behavior in my home.
End of story.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Sometimes, kiddies, we must alter the use of AlAnon principles to fit the circumstances... *gasp* ... It is not a matter of "controlling" the addict when we insist that our home be a drug free zone. There are people sitting in jails right now who, rather than obey the law, decided not to "control" the addict. Remember, if illegal drugs are found in your house, you go down right alongside the druggie. No second chance, and no explanation. While I agree that it is sometimes easier said than done to get the drugs out, your very freedom could depend on it.
This situation demands strength of will and character.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 08:55, 2008-03-28
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I do have to agree with the no illegal drugs in the house camp. For me, that supercedes everything. I suppose other people have other boundries, but for me that one was a no brainer. It wasn't even ever a question.
I heard a story once and I was just posting it on another board but a similar issue. A kid was in a "don't do drugs" program thru school and they discussed what drugs and alcohol did to the brain and body. She told her teacher that he dad did drugs and she was scared for him. The teacher was obligated to inform the authorities. They came, took the dad to jail, took the kid to foster care and made the mother do months of drug testing and parent education classes before they would give her the children back. The end result was the kid felt that she had broken the family and was filled with shame and guilt. The FAMILY disease of addiction. She was in 3rd grade I think.
I can't imagine putting my kids in that kind of situation. And that story scared the heck out of me. I know how easy that could happen. I don't do drugs but I was living with an active crack addict. Do I really believe that the cops are going to come to my home and take my kids when I haven't done a thing wrong? Just because my A is a crackhead? Heck yes they will. And why shouldn't they? If I sit there saying "yes, I know he is a drug addict. yes, the kids and I live here. Well, I TOLD him no drugs in the house...." they would look at me like I was NUTS! My kids are my #1 priority. And it meant losing everything to keep them safe. So, I lost everything. But we are safe.
Kids know. We always think they their innocence protects them, but they know. I knew as a kid. Infact I do believe it was more obvious to me than any of the adults in the family. They had this great thing called denile and I, being a child I didn't have that filter yet. Kids know even if you never acknoledge it, they know.
I would never give anyone here advice and say you should do this or that. Other peoples lives seem so simple for me to fix! But that's not my job, and it doesn't work anyway. So, take what you like and leave the rest. HP will provide you with the answers you need.
my 2 cents is just a comment on how some drugs are illegal and some are not...its so interesting the society we live in...no wonder its such a mess re: "war on drugs", etc. its just a construct to control people, etc. ugly. J.
BooBoo - hope that you're getting to face-to-face meetings.
There's two things I know for certain:
#1: Expecting your addict to change is an exercise in futility. They will only change when THEY want to - when they hit their rock bottom... and for some, rock bottom could be their death or attempt at death. For others, it could be the downfall and ruin of their family. But no amount of pleading, yelling, manipulating, crying, teasing, coaxing on your end will make it happen for them. It's all on the addict.
#2: Knowing #1, this means you have to make changes for YOU. And have the courage to do so. Other people's opinions on how you should go about making your change do not matter. Much like #1, you will change when YOU want to, and you are the one who gets to decide what's right for you. There are people out there who have learned to live with their active addicts and be at peace. There are others who found life with their addict was too much to bear so separated themselves from the addicts and are finally at peace. Whichever path you choose to follow is all up to you.
Get to face-to-face Al-anon meetings. Try to hit as many as you can the first week. Buy some literature and keep it on hand and read it as often as you need the urge. Get some Al-anon contacts - call them when you need someone to talk to. Start working the steps. Get a sponsor. Start praying to your HP for guidance. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
I've shared this many times before, but this helped me so much. My mom, an Al-anon member told me the acronym "P.U.S.H."
Pray Until Something Happens
For me, the most common prayer I use is: "God, HELP ME. GUIDE ME. PROTECT ME." And I keep saying that over and over and it is glorious how often that works.
Keep in mind that not everyone is in a position to make and enforce that "no drugs in the house or you are out" boundary.
If the A refuses to leave, then either you have to call the police or leave with your children. It's much different then giving a child the boot . In my case I would have had to tell my A to leave the house that he works and pays for. He would have laughed. I haven't worked in 10 yrs, so where would that leave me? It's just not quite as easy as it sounds.
Christy
Actually I was in the process of calling the police when my oldest daughter realized I was dead serious about her leaving the premises.
I also kicked out an ex-boyfriend who had lived with me for 2 years because I was sick and tired of the emotional abuse and his controlling ways.
I knew I cut my own throat financially when I did it too as we were sharing expenses 50/50. I never would have rented the house I am still in if I even dreamed I'd be footing the bils myself.
Would you believe I got pink-slipped from my computer programming job a month later?
I managed to survive through that too
I'm just a stubborn old broad who refuses to sell herself short anymore, even if it means working 3 crappy paying jobs to make ends meet
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Thank you for all of your kind words (and virtual hugs )
I can ask him to remove the drugs, but since he lies, I'll never know whether he has done this or not, right?
I'm new to this as I just recently began seeing a therapist because I was at my wits end and she recommended that I read up on Al-anon and possibly attend meetings. I've not had a f2f yet--I hope to be able to do that in the coming week. There are several locations within 5 miles of my home and I have the flexibility to make the morning meetings.
