The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 9 yr old woke me up this morning saying "Julia's mom said she saw dad in the paper the other day." Oh God, I thought I was going to get away with not having to explain this to the kids. So, I told her to give me a minute.
And I said a prayer for God to let the right words come out of my mouth. These kids NEVER ask about him, for him, they never even mention his name. So, I say this: You know how I've explained how your dad is mentally ill and that means his brain is sick? Well, the way he is behaving is part of that mental illness. The paper said he is very in love with this new woman and they are getting married and he never wants to be without her. It didn't mention you or your sisters or your brother (half by his first marraige)and that the business is doing really well and he is making lots of money. When your dad got together with me, he didn't want anything to do with your (half) brother. I finally convinced him that we were all family and that he had to see him. And he did, until I stopped "making" him. And I know this hurts. It hurts and makes us mad and confused and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! YOU did nothing to make him leave,he left because he is a very sick man. It is his responsibilty to set up times to see you and your sisters with the thrid party lady and he has decided he doesn't want to do that. You can hate him, you can love him, you can feel sorry for him. I feel hurt a little bit for me but I feel really, really hurt when I think of how hurt you and your sisters must feel. It makes me want to go punch him in the eye and make him be a good father. But I can't do that and it wouldn't help anyway. His sickness in his brain makes his mind all messy and he gets his responsibilites and priorities mixed up. The good thing is I took the article to the judge and showed him that the business is making lots of money and now me and you and your sisters will start getting some money from your dad and we will have milk and chicken nuggets and maybe even a book or two from the book fair (I never have an extra 5 bucks to give her to get 1 stinkin thing off of her wish list). So, baby, I love you. I am not going anywhere, ever. Even when you wish I would, I won't. I will be here for you forever. No matter what. I don't have a mental illness and nothing and no one will ever take me away from you or make me ignore you. I will always care for you. Your sisters will always love you. We are a family, the 4 of us and we are strong (at which point my 5 yr old was hugging both of us and kissing her sister). And we know how this feels because we feel it too. You are not alone with feeling hurt and mad and confused, we feel it too. Now, we are going to be ok. We have been ok. WE are going to continue to live and have fun and have our friends over, and go play at their houses, and have sleep overs (my 5 yr old got all happy about that!) So, yes, we can feel all of our feelings but we are going to feel the good ones to because it doesn't matter what your dad does or doesn't do. WE are just fine.
And that was it. She cried but had no questions at all. She just hugged me for about 5 minutes and I reminded her of the school counclior at school and that she is a good one to talk to and work things out with. And my 9 yr old agreed. I said, if she wants to. I told her she can talk to me or her sisters if she wants, whenever she wants.
I wondered if they didn't bring him up because they were afraid of hurting me. But now I think it is because they are afraid of being hurt. I wasn't going to lie her or sugar coat it. She will be able to read the stupid article herself someday. Or someone's mother or older sister will say "how come your dad didn't mention you in his article?" Even when my dad and I weren't speaking he mentioned me when he was in the paper. He ALWAYS said "and my daughter Seren...." Even when I hadn't spoken to him or seen him in a year! And it always made me feel good.
I hate him. I really do. I cannot get all Zen about what he has done. I made sure that she understood that a JUDGE said he had to do the supervisied visits and it is his choice to NOT do them. I didn't tell her that he loved her, although I wanted to just to ease her pain, I didn't. I did say that we never know what the future holds and I bet that someday her dad will realize that he misses them and want to see them (I don't believe this one bit, he is incapable of this emotion, of any emotion really. He just reflects others emotions, he doesn't know how to actually feel, part of the personality disorder)But I felt like I needed to give her a bit of hope.....Probably shouldn't have. I hate that I had to be the one to tell her the sickening truth. I so very much wanted to lie. But, I couldn't. I have lied to them for years and years. I supported and enabled their father to be a father and when I stopped so did he. He never put them first. He only ever put himself and what he wants first. Just a fact, but one that they should not have to know, ever.
At the same time I want to protect them from ever getting involved with someone like him. I want to give them some skills and tools so that they will never go thru what we have gone thru. This is hard. I don't know if what I said was right. I had to say something. I couldn't just keep ignoring the pain I know they feel. I don't know. I do know that I am a better, more sane, more available mother now than I was when I was with him. I let the abuses he heaped on me, trickle down to them. That is no longer an issue. I like me better, I trust myself today. I had talked about just this day happening with my therapist and I talked about what I want to get across to the kids. How I assume at some point they wil blame me. How I wanted them to know that he is sick, mentally ill and it had nothing to do with them. That his choice to cut them out of his life has nothing to do with them, it is because he is a seriously sick in the head person. They didn't do anythng wrong. And that is ok to still love him or even hate him. I guess that is what I got across. I not only hate this disease, I hate him for what he has done to these kids. I know what I am saying when I say that. I hope that someday I will be able to get to indifference, I doubt I will ever get back to love. I hate him.
(((((((((((seren)))))))))))), this was AMAZING. My 13-year-old self is bawling, because I never ever got this kind of honesty without anger from my mom. Or from my dad either, for that matter. What a huge huge gift you have given your kids. I wish your post were required reading for all parents. Please give yourself a hug from me.
One of the most wonderful pleasures that I have in being a part of this family is to hear and share in the blessing and joy of mothers who have been approached by their children and the children who have been prepared to listen. That mustard seed of hope and understanding has been sown. It is hope sown in the promise that a deeper, richer and healthier more complete understanding will be gain over time and in the future for them and for you.
Unfortunately, I never got that chance, and believe me I had prayed and prayed and prayed. My children are parents themselves. One has sought help, the other is -in my opinion- too sic even now and too scared to seek help, understanding and health - though she does not realise that health that awaits her if she could find the courage to take that first step. When I tried to communicate anything earlier, she shut down 'cos your father had already done the damage during his frequently staged suicide and emotional blackmailing tricks.
I still live in hope that my daughter might come to a better understanding of the situations that she faced with,and because of, her father...and in the meantime I simply live out the truth by loving unconditionally and never putting her father down. I try to get that message of love over without words, for she choses not to listen.
Thank you, therefore for sharing this step forward as a family...I continue to hold you and the children in prayer.
I love to hear of the progress you and the children are making, for it encourages me to eternally hope that all children will come to an understanding that it is not because of them that this happens, that they did not cause the split and dysfunction and that they are still loved dearly despite of a parent not having any control over another parent's behaviour and choices.
Please, do keep sharing, it helps me too.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 09:26, 2008-03-27
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I think I'm through hating the A. He has no idea of the affect he had on me. I dont' know he will ever get it.
For me I'm having to look how I really went out of my way to ignore the red flags. I did not see them, I did not want to see them and when I did see them I ignored them.
For me personally hating him is a waste of effort now. I think I had to hate him for a long long long time as a barrier. Now I don't. I certainly am not planning to let him in my life but "hate" is a strong word for someone who is sick.
I really skirted the issue of how "sick" he was for years. I refused to acknowledge it, I refused to deal with it. I raged and raged and raged at him, fat lot of good that did me. He certainly couldn't accept any of it.
I'm willing to let go now. I cared deeply for him, he was not capable of having a relationship. I 'm not sure I was capable of much more than codependence but he didnt' put much effort into it. The issue now is with me, why did I not take action. How easy it is for me to over invest then blame.
I have incredibly low expectation of relationships now but at the same time I have huge boundaries (a wired up fence one new person in my life put it), and really clear expectatons (not the grandiose secret ones full of fantasy).
For me what's so key is to learn from this relationship and not the "oh he's so sick category" but what did I do, how did I find myself trapped, what didn't I do, what could I have done (like detach etc).
For me the learning is what I can salvage from the mess that the A and I created. I plan to learn and regroup and learn. There is no going back anymore.
I think that was wonderful. So hard, with kids, to be honest without being brutal, and to not let your own resentments and bad feelings creep through to colour what you say. It looks like you did just right.
