The material presented
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I'm new to the site and was delighted to find it. I plan to attend a local meeting for some f2f support about my AH, but wanted to get started right away. Upfront, his problem is not alcohol but recreational drugs, the preferred drug of choice being pot. (I noted on the board that it doesn't make a difference as an addiction is an addiction, so here I am.)
Ive been married for 24 years and Ive about reached the end of my rope with the relationship. I knew my spouse liked to get high before I married him, and I wasnt bothered by it after we got married since we were young and enjoyed the first years of our marriage partying and kicking up our heals.After I got pregnant with my first child, I told him it was time to put our party lifestyle behind us and begin the next chapter. Unfortunately, he couldnt do that.(I suspect there are others who contribute to this site who may have similar storiesit started out as social drinking, but then they couldnt stop.) My AH is at least holds down a decent job, but Ive seen signs that hes having trouble there, too.
It finally occurred to me after catching him the act (again) about a month ago that things were never going to change unless I did something.Several times Ive caught him or found some paraphernalia and he promises hell never do it again.Or Ill suspect abuse and voice those suspicions and hell deny using. Ive asked him to get help on each of these occassions, but always, he denies he has a problem. Im tired of being suspicious every time his eyes look red and/or squinty. Im tired of sniffing his clothes, his car, etc. Im tired of being suspicious of every good mood (because his natural state seems to be moody and angry these days). Sound familiar? So I decided that I need to do somethingIm tired of waiting for him to change because I honestly dont think he will unless he gets a good swift kick in his can. Im further concerned because I have two children, aged 12 and 15, that are feeling the strain in our home. Not to mention that if Ive caught him in the act, maybe they have too, or they might in the future.And the children arent stupid. Im pretty sure my daughter knows what someone who is high looks/acts like, and what marijuana smells like. I think I would have left him years ago if not for the childrenbut Ive seen too many of their friends being shuttled back and forth--I couldnt bring myself to do that. Im also concerned that if we separate, well all be hurting financially (we barely make ends meet nowI cant imagine supporting myself and the kids on my income alone). As for the good swift kick to get him into motionI think the only thing that may work is a very real threat of separation and possibly lack of custody.Ive not talked to a lawyer, but I have been talking with a counselor which has been helpful.She has suggested that I engage my family for assistance/support but Im not sure they will be much help at all.My mother is a senior alcoholic, having not been much of a drinker until the past several years (since my fathers death).My elder brother has been alcoholic since our teens (I try to avoid him at all costs as he is an angry drunk and I dont think he ever really sobers up these days). My only other sibling is my younger brother but he has his hands full taking care of my mother and his own family. I suppose he could offer a sympathetic ear at the very least so I do plan to talk with him. I dont think my AH's family will be of any assistance at all.His parents must have known about his problems from his teen years (after several run-ins with the law) and they seem to have turned a blind eye to his illicit activities.I think his brother has addictions of his own (once pot, but now alcohol) so I dont expect to get any support there. Ill have to talk to them at some point to explain any actions I may take, but I dont think I can count on them. If anything, I would expect them to believe my AH when he says there is no problem and have them turn against me. I will say that my biggest concern in all of this is my children.Will breaking up our family hurt them worse than living with an abuser? Ive wrestled with this double-edge sword for about 12 years now and I need some advice. Any suggestions or words of encouragement are requested!
I am new to all this to. My partner is an A. I totally understand about sniffing his cloths and breath. There was a short time while I was pregnant with my son that he started hiding his drinking but as I dont drink I could smell it sraight away so he gave up hiding it. He use to drink and drive and it made me so angr because if he lost his licence he would lose his job.
like yourself I knew Mark drank when we got to gether but because he was young I just thought it was just a thing that would pass. He was great when we got to gether he would turn his mates down to spend time with me. He didnt drink every night and he was so loving and caring and made me feel so special but now he has gone. Its like living with a different man. When I think back now I think I should have known better. I had a misscarrage before I got pregnant with my son and the one time I needed him he was in the pub. This should have set all the alarms ringing but it didnt.
Im sorry I will have to cut it short here my son needs feeding. Sorry
My husband was also a heavy pot smoker. However, once his work got a policy of random drug testing, he switched to cocaine because it stays in the body for a much shorter time. Pretty soon started smoking crack.
Possibly, if you give him that good swift one, it will shock him into looking for help. Equally possibly, it will do nothing of the kind. This is why it is so important to base your actions on what you think is best for you and for your kids, not on what you think will make your husband act the way you want him to.
For me, once I faced that he was what he was - that he was acting this way not because he was bad, or lazy, or worthless, or because he didn't love me, but because there was actually something wrong with him, it was easier for me to live with. I stopped trying to get him to stop, and focused instead on how he treated me. Instead of being mad because he was drunk or high, I'd be mad only if he treated me badly. I found that tensions lessened in our house so that it was possible to live in peace with him as he was. He had a lot going for him - good provider, always nice to the kids, and as good a father as he was able to be, mostly loving and supportive of me when he wasn't being an abusive drunk. As I calmed down and stopped walking around with a chip on MY shoulder, the abuse lessened and soon stopped entirely. We went on for three years that way - it was sad seeing him go downhill with his drug use, but I felt there was still enough good in our marriage to stay together. Then, with no input from me at all, he got his shock (long story, it came through work) and went into rehab. That took, for him - he never took another drink.
So, for ME, changing my attitude changed enough other things so that I was able to stay in the marriage, and be pretty happy. It doesn't always work that way - other people here will have different stories to tell. Sometimes the change in attitude gives us the kick we need to get out of an intolerable situation - everybody is different.
As for the kids - my A was a pretty good dad. I believe that all in all, once the fights and tension in the home were gone, they were better off with us together. They are older now, and have had the benefit of both parents in recovery for several years. I can't kid myself that they don't bear the mental scars of their childhood - sometimes it was pretty hairy. However, they loved their dad and have been able to make peace with his reality.
I'd suggest going to as many meetings as you can, reading as much of our literature as you can, reading and posting here, and giving yourself some time to get a little clarity on your situation. Really work on the program for six months, and then look and see what you think might be best for you and the kids.
Hi and welcome. I can relate to much of what you wrote--I am 28 years (20 married) and still searching for "evidence". My AH has since our child was born tried to convince me (successfully, evidently, lol) that divorce is "the worst thing that can happen to a child" and that it "will permanently damage him". Well. My parents are still married and I do know how his parents divorce affected him and I have fallen for that...and a lot more, sadly.
Meetings are a great support. I have been going steadily and the tiny changes I see in my OWN part of "the dance" are encouraging. That is where we get our power and balance back.
