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I've known my husband since highschool. We were sweethearts and got married 8 years after the fact. I'm starting to feel like that was a mistake. He makes me feel so sad and unappreciated. I finally got an appointment for myself at the doctor this morning, b/c I'm really needing some help for my depression and anxiety. I told my AH in hopes that he could swing home from work for an hour and sit with the kids... this is not exactly something i want my children there for. However, he claims he will be too busy this morning to get away. He was so nasty to me for the 15 minutes we were around each other this morning. I guess I just should keep my mouth closed and try not to speak to him about anything. BUT HOW, tell me HOW are we supposed to raise these kids like this? I simply can't. I have gotten to my breaking point with his bullshit and I think he's just walking around being pissed that I'm not putting up with the drinking anymore. I think he's mad that I'm focusing on myself and trying to feel better. I also have a feeling he went through my internet history last night and saw that I've been visiting Alanon websites. Do they get pissed about that when they are in denial? I think mine would.
Gosh, lalea, I remember being where you are. I remember getting on an antidepressent and thinking "I am on meds just to live with you!" It didn't make alot of sense to me but it was the best I could do at the time. I was really on them to help myself and they really did help. Helped me focus and move again and not be so aggitated. But it was where living with an A had brought me. Be very kind to yourself and give yourself love and attention. You are worth it.
They do not like it when we start changing. It makes them mad. They like things the way they are. My ex actually intercepted the alanon schedual I had requested and tossed it out so that I wouldn't know when the meetings were (and he was in AA at the time). Protect yourself. If you think he will be mad about you comming here, well, erase your history. No need to tick him off and it is seriously none of his business. Just keep comming and if you can get to f2f meetings.
Im no blackbelt but I think it was the One Day at a Time in Alanon January 13th page I liked that has to do with this stuff you are dealing with. If not its somewhere around there and it talks about you having the right to be happy. I wish I could find it online.
I'm sorry... In my experience, yes they do not like us going to alanon or changing in any way. They want the same old routine the same reactions that have been working for them all along despite what it does to us. I agree with Serendipity, take care of YOU! I took antidepressants for a few weeks after I moved out and then I didn't need them anymore. Sorry you're going through this.
A lot of us do things that don't turn out like we intended. You shouldn't feel like you made a mistake by getting married to your hs sweetheart. If you haven't done so already, read some literature on alcoholism. It was a really eye opener for me to learn that many of the things they do are typical alcoholic behaviors.
My AH was definitely threatened when I started alanon. He searched through my Internet history too and read some posts. I figured it was good for him to see how I felt about things and to hear how people responded. I now delete my history so he can't read them. This is my recovery, not his. If he wants a program he needs to get his own.
I've been marriad 24 years and took all the BS as something wrong with me and just came out of denial last year that I was dealing with an A. It makes everything fall in place as to what we (mostly me) dealt with re:kids - my oldest ones helped me see that A was the underlying problem. I did and could continue to beat myself up for being so blind and treating myself so badly - I thought I was the problem, not strong enough to do all that was required of me, needed antidepressants etc............. BUT that would just continue the same path of being bad to myself. Doing the same thing over and over just gets the same results. So I am changing slowly, learning and using new al anon tools and trying to be kind to myself, especially getting rid of those negative tapes I ran in my head. I agree with above, I have a right to be happy and so do you. Keep coming back and going to as many f2f meetings as you can, you are so worth it!!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Detachment really really works on not getting pulled into the A's dance. It is pretty difficult stuff to do. The other issue of course is that it need practice, practice and more practice.
A year ago about this time I really moved into detachment some of which came to me by making a plan b which was what did I need to do to move out and get away from him. I didn't act on that plan for months but in making it I started to detach from the A.
No one expects you to do the impossible. Living with an active A is a crazy making place. There are Al anon tools that can help not drive you insane. I know because I came here completely immobilized and moved from that awful place.
It is perfectly normal to have anger but to allow it to fester to resentment is difficult. Resentment is toxic.
All I can suggest and that is my ESH is to read as much as you can about alcoholism and more.
This Board is an absolute gold mine of information and process. You can actually follow people through their journey by reading their posts.
Last time I spoke to the A he mentioned something about being aware I was in online recovery. I didn't pick up the ball. I let it go. He never thought he needed recovery at all. I choose actively not to talk to him about his recovery (there isn't any), illness (his were always far more important than mine) and life. I know its hard not to be defensive but if I go there its part of the dance I don't intend to tango with anymore.
LL, try to chill a little. I have been where you are, too, as many of us have. I know how mad the AH gets when we start to address our own issues and begin to realize that we MUST take care of ourselves, its really a life or death situation. If we do not begin to take care of ourselves we become more and more ill.
Your AH has a disease that makes him behave this hurtful way. My AH has a whole bunch of diseases that make him behave horribly, cruelly, words dripping with sarcasm and bitterness, blaming and shaming, name calling, you name it. He uses alcohol to self-medicate. He managed to hide all this poor behavior when we were getting to know each other and when we got married. As soon as we married, about 4 months later, the disease came through. Its been hell ever since. I still do not understand how it seemed as if he was able to keep it all under cover for a year and a half to two years but he did...this in addition to my own incredibly high levels of fantasy and denial (there MUST have been SOME clues...) in other words MY OWN disease.
After miscarrying twice, working cleaning houses full time (gruelling hours and hard work) and being in really horrible day after day after day, week after week and month after month abusive situations daily with my AH I went and got some anti-depressants. They completely deadened me so I could live this horrible life: cleaning houses, getting yelled at by AH 24/7, pressure to get pregnant and being told I never would without extraordinary medical assistance, etc. etc. it was a really dark time in my life. My AH was so "not there" for me. I tumbled deep into depression. Deep. It was then that I knew I needed to get away from my city, state and situation, attend graduate school someplace far away and I made a bee line to do so and did. I thank GOD I never got pregnant or had any children with that man or in that kind of horrible home. I often thank my lucky stars that this did not come to pass even though it was something i wanted so badly at the time. HP steered me through it all and brought me to where I am today and I am so grateful.
Everyday things change. It may not feel or seem that way but it is and things will shift and change for you. hang in there, attend al anon meetings if you can. keep you and your children safe. read as much literature as you can get your hands on. keep coming here as often as you can. take the meds/keep taking the meds as they are helping you to survive your situation. You do not need to be where you are forever in fact, its guaranteed that you will not be- look outside and look at a tree and watch how it changes with the seasons- you will too. your situation will, too. HP is aligning things in your life right now, please have faith that all will be for the best in the end. Hugs, J.
It helps me when my AH is behaving nastily to me or saying irrational crap to me to tell myself, "This is NOT my husband talking to me right now. This is the DISEASE talking through him."
It's a great way for me to detach and separate my love for my husband from the hateful things that can sometimes spill out of his mouth. I tell myself "This is a very sick man." And when I tell myself that, it erases my anger and defensiveness and instead allows me to look at my AH with sympathy and caring. It also prevents me from diving into the disease with him and falling victim to my own illness, the illness that decides to play along with his disease and argue with him or get angry or bend to his disease's unrealistic will.
It's a bitch, because there are days where his disease is HATING on me. It's awful at times. But I just try to keep telling myself when I see the anger erupting from my AH that it's not HIM. It's the disease. And at the same time, I'll ask my HP to protect me, stand guard over me and give me strength to not give the disease what it wants.
I'm honestly not sure how to approach the Al-anon issue, as I've not tread that kind of path with my AH. Up to this point, he's not mad at me for going to Al-anon. At least, he certainly hasn't told me so yet. Fortunately, the part of my AH that's not clutched by the disease remembers it was HIM who suggested to me that I should maybe attend Al-anon meetings. If he gets mad at me for going, then a part of him will be having to admit that he was *gasp* wrong! Folks, my AH is NEVER wrong. (please read that with sarcasm).
(I don't think he was wrong, though - I think he was very RIGHT in suggesting I attend Al-anon, and I quietly thank him for it).
I guess if you feel your AH gets truly upset by your attending Al-anon, then look at your leaving evidence of such (history on your computer, Al-anon literature on the coffee table, meeting schedules out in the open) as leaving gasoline-soaked rags by an open flame. Keep it as private as you can if you know it'll preserve some harmony in your life.
I'd dislike having to do that, though. For me it becomes a "secret" thing, and I don't like keeping secrets from my AH. HIS keeping secrets is what lead both of us down the paths we're on now. I have a strong desire that my AH needs to accept me for who I am. Damnit, I'm working on accepting him for who HE is. He should pay me the same courtesy. And if he doesn't like it, he can leave. But you see, it's easy for me to say that because he's not opposed to my Al-anon meetings (at least not yet).
But yeah, for the time being, try not to add fuel to the fire if you can until you've reached a comfortable place where you can calmly handle your AH's knowing you're attending Al-anon. Maybe that'll never happen. But just do what you need to do to keep YOUR serenity.
But both you and he should know... you're attending Al-anon for YOU. Right? Not for him. It's for YOU.
My AH believes that al-anon is a cult. I no longer care: what he thinks of me is NONE of my business and al-anon is working so very well for me that I no longer care what anyone thinks if I attend or not (not that I go around announcing it from the tree-tops). Just like attending a church or believing in a certain health practice, I can do whatever I believe is best for me. I know that for me, al-anon is a basic survival tool- no options about it, it is not something I will ever NOT need every single week for the rest of my life. J.
I, also, married my HS sweetheart. I do not regret it at all....for he has given me 2 beautiful children and almost 23 years of good AND bad memories.
I do regret where we are now, I often wonder how we got here, and if we are going to be able to make it out of here, TOGETHER. But, for now, I have decided not to 'wonder', I know my HP has plans for me. I try to concentrate on now and what's best for me & our children. I try to use the things that I have, and continue to learn here. It helps to keep me sane. Don't get me wrong there are nights when that all goes out the window and I am pissed and letting AH know it. But more often I tend to detach. Arguing and yelling are really going to get me no where.
So go easy on yourself....it takes time and practice.
My AH really doesn't know about my visiting this board, but if he did, I'm sure he'd be mad. Don't care...it's not all about him anymore....
Once I put the focus on me, I tended to lay off of him, so then the silent treatment went away.
Unfortunately I can totally relate--with my DH of 24 years, we have those episodes of tiptoing around each other. It all started when we had kids and I said it was time to act like adults and be sober. When he is using, he is cheerful (so I always suspect a good mood). And when he'd sober, he is horrible to live with. The sad part is that I've always been such a cheerful upbeat person and most days he seems hell bent on making me as miserable as he apparently is. He knows just the right buttons to push to tick me off--I just avoid him most of the time and try very hard to remain cool in his presence. I pray for patience and the ability to hold my temper every night.
I'm new to this and while I've never felt responsible for his failing/illness, I am hoping to find some coping skills. I have come to recognize, however, that while I'm not responsible, I may be enabling his problem. So I want to work that part out through f2f and this board.
). Protect yourself. If you think he will be mad about you comming here, well, erase your history. No need to tick him off and it is seriously none of his business. Just keep comming and if you can get to f2f meetings.
He knows just the right buttons to push to tick me off--I just avoid him most of the time and try very hard to remain cool in his presence. I pray for patience and the ability to hold my temper every night.