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This happened a while back... but it was significant for me. All along during my relationship with A-bf, he would tell me how horrible his emotionally abusive father was (he worked for good ole Dad), and how rotten his brother was (his brother is an addict, too, who also "worked" for dear ole Dad... but wouldn't show up for work). A-bf would say, "My brother is 'employed' here... he doesn't 'work' here."
They both relapsed over & over and wouldn't show up for work. Dad took them back each and every time. They were supported 100% financially. Never had to worry about being unemployed.
A-bf would relapse over and over again. Each time, he would blame it on work, or his dad, or his brother, or the heat of the summer, or whatever.
The last relapse (that I know of) I got phone calls from his parents. His Dad actually left a message on my answering machine that was quite puzzling to me. He told me that he wouldn't hold it against me if I broke up with his son; may God bless you; we thank you for all that you have done... and some other things. It was a nice enough message, but I kind of got the feeling that he was dismissing me from the family! I think I was being fired! LOL
I deleted the message, but wish I would have saved it, because something about it was new. I cannot recall exactly what, but something about it made me go, "Aha!"
I finally realized that the whole time I was believing A-bf that he was stressing out over his family and his job... he was probably telling THEM that he was stressing out over his girlfriend. While I was rooting for him to quit his stressful job so that he would finally have peace and maybe have a shot at sobriety... they were probably rooting for him to quit his stressful girlfriend so that he would finally have peace and maybe have a shot at sobriety. Do you see? A-bf telling the girlfriend it was the family; telling the family it was the girlfriend.
But I know the truth... it is HIM! All him. I take no blame and I don't care if they think it is my fault. I know whose "fault" it is... and it isn't mine. I didn't cause it... I can't control it... I can't cure it.
LOL that is funny. AHA! So true how the manipulate and NOTHING is EVER their fault. His dad sounds like a SERIOUS enabler!!! I realized fairly quickly that my mother in law (we are still pretty good friends) was very happy to have me there dealing with her son. He mostly stayed out of trouble while he was with me, he called me and not her when he was in jail, he didn't try to come stay with her. I was making HER life SO much easier. Plus she is a serious enabler too so she was my co conspirator to every rescue and my confidante every time I needed someone to vent to or talk about his issues with. She always calmed me down. Problem was I didn't need calming down, I needed to get really angry and leave. After I started working the program I found her manipulative behaviors to be irritating at the least and completely offensive at the most to the point where I considered not talking to her anymore. Actually, now that I filed for divorce I don't know how to refer to her anymore. She's not my mother in law, what is she? Just a friend I guess? My son's grandma? LOL.
After reading the post I was wondering how many other girlfriends have been dismissed and how many are to come before they realize it's not them it's him LOL.
My meeting last night was about resentments specifically against the "in laws". I swear I could write a book! My ex in-laws enabled in the most classic ways. At times I was dumbfounded because they were so obviously, by the book enabling my ex to kill himself. It was infuriating!!! How dare they not do it the "right" way!!!!LOL!!!
My ex played us against each other also. My in-laws and I were close (or so I believed) at one point. Guess the ex didn't like that and began to drive the wedge. He actually told me he hated his family and his mother in particular (red flag?). Ofcourse, he told them that I was the one who wouldn't "let" him see them!!! LOL! His sponsers would tell him he couldn't be around his family. Not me! I always encouraged him to be a part of his family even after I decided to step away from them and their drama. I figured they were his family and he should deal with them so that the kids stay in contact. Yeah, that didn't work either. So, the kids and I no longer have any contact with them. I'm still practicing the detatching with love. The detachment part is simple, the love part is harder, but as my resentments lessen, love can re-enter.
Good point as many of us struggle in how to deal with in laws. I too talked to my favorite brother & his wife in laws and though they are supportive, it is impossible for them or anyone to understand what is really going on. I am sure these in laws scrutenize and sometimes truthfully, that I am the sick one. My own brother stated the fact that I seemed better off before I came out of denial.......... good grief! Maybe so from his view of my external self but inside a part of me was dead.
Your 'aha' moment just reminds me this will be the same for anyone outside of al anon to do anything else but take a side on the: it's all the stress from her or it's all the stress from him. Good to stay aware of this. I remember Diva writing that when someone asks about our A, just say fine and change the subject. Anything else we say will be up for them to scrutenize & pick a side. Sounds like I am cynical this morning or self protective. Anyways, thanks for sharing so now I have my own "aha" moment. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
.... I realized fairly quickly that my mother in law.... was very happy to have me there dealing with her son. He mostly stayed out of trouble while he was with me, he called me and not her when he was in jail, he didn't try to come stay with her. I was making HER life SO much easier....
Omigosh! How TRUE!!! I can remember times when I was hauling A-bf's butt to the hospital at his request: "I'm ready to go to the hospital now," or a voice mail, "Come take me to the hospital." I would call his parents to tell them which hospital we were going to (or trying to ask them WHERE to take him in the earlier days).
The Mom would be like, "Oh, ok... just keep us posted." I would be like, "HUH?" They aren't going to help me out here? I gotta do this by myself? No freaking way!!!
It seemed like they wanted to just stick their heads in the sand like ostriches and pretend nothing was wrong. "Our son's gf has it... let's leave town on vacation now!" It thoroughly ticked me off. It's totally back in their lap now.
I'm like, "Here's a deck of cards... deal with it."
The A I was with had every excuse in the book. He played everyone against each other. I was the "horrible person". He often claimed to others that he just wanted me gone. When he called me recently in the last few months I told him well for years you told everyone you wanted me gone so why call? I am sure he was angry because after all I was not supposed to know his splitting exercises.
These days since the focus is on me I have to look at my part in it. I did not need to be continously caught in that dance but it was very familiar. My family did it, my friends did it, I knew those steps boy did I know those steps.
I can't really say he was sick and I wasn't because I was engaging in rigid self destructive behavior that ultimately made me really ill.
Reading your post makes me count my blessings that my AH's immediate family, at least, knows the games A's play. If anything, they have sympathy for me sticking with my AH.
AH's mom long ago gave AH over to God's care - told me so herself. AH's brother is an A, but has been sober for 4 years and actively attends AA and Al-anon meetings and works the steps. He knows allll too well what goes on... but he's in that wonderfully blessed place where no matter what his A brother does, HE's okay.
So, AH doesn't try to play family against me and me against his family. That's a relief.
That's quite an "AHA!" moment, though. I'd never have even thought that could have been happening were I in your shoes. All too often, I assume the whole world is on my side. LOL. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. But it certainly comes as a nasty shock if you discover it's not!
Oh yeah, I can relate, my MIL said something to the effect to my mom on our wedding night about how I would now be "handling" him so she did not have to anymore and what a relief that was. BIG RED FLAG!! Another red flag: he treated is step mom like crap. Any man that treats the woman who raised him like crap is suspicious to me. Breeds misogyny, I swear. If they treat their moms/step moms like crap, they are going to treat their wives/gf like crap...
Right now MIL is enabling him and taking care of him. She can just go ahead and do that. I am not going to anymore. J.
