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I HAVE KNOWN MY HUSBAND FOR 10 YEARS (MARRIED 4). THE PAST FEW YEARS, HE HAS STARTED DRINKING 6-10 BEERS A NIGHT AND MORE ON THE WEEKENDS. HE STILL IS A HARD WORKER AND MAINTAINS A STEEDY 50-60 HOURS A WEEK. HE HAS NEVER HIT ME OR EVEN ACTED LIKE HE WANTED TOO. EVERYTHING STARTED GOING DOWN HILL IN MAY WHEN I LOST MY FATHER SUDDENLY TO LUNG CANCER. HE WAS NOT THERE FOR ME AT ALL. EVERYONE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE HE IS A MAN AND THAT I SHOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME. WHAT THEY DIDN'T REALIZE IS THAT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME HE WAS NOT THERE FOR ME SINCE WE MET IN '98. SHORTLY AFTER LOOSING MY FATHER, MY BROTHER BECAME SUICIDAL. MY BROTHER HAD BEEN LIVING WITH OUR FATHER SINCE OUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED IN 2001. WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD PROBLEMS WITH MY BROTHER IN THE PAST. THE WHOLE FAMILY KNEW HE WAS DOING DRUGS, BUT TO WHAT EXTENT, WE DID NOT KNOW. HE HAD STOLE FROM OUR MOTHER AND DRAINED OUR FATHER'S CHECKING ACCOUNT ALMOST DRY. AT THE END OF AUGUST, I ASKED MY HUSBAND IF MY BROTHER COULD COME STAY WITH US FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS SO THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE ALONE IN DADDY'S HOUSE. MY HUSBAND BLEW HIS TOP! HE CALLED MY BROTHER A LAZY, WORTHLESS, NO GOOD, THEIF AND SAID THAT HE IS NOT ALLOWED IN HIS HOME, ON HIS PROPERTY OR AROUND MY STEP-DAUGHTERS. AT THIS POINT, I WAS CRYING AND I REMINDED HIM THAT IT IS MY HOUSE TOO AND MY BROTHER WOULD NEVER HURT HIS GIRLS. HE SAID, "IF YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH MY DECISION, I'LL JUST DIVORCE YOUR ". EXCUSE MY FRENCH.
SINCE THIS BLOW UP, OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS GOTTEN WORSE. HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS BROUGHT UP DIVORSE TWO MORE TIMES SINCE THEN. ONE MINUTE HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME AND I AM HIS WORLD, BUT THE NEXT MINUTE, HE IS ACTING LIKE I AM NOTHING TO HIM AND THAT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY BROTHER IS MY PROBLEM TO DEAL WITH ON MY OWN. MY BROTHER IS IN REHAB AND DOING VERY WELL. MY HUSBAND SAYS HE IS PROUD OF HIM, BUT HE IS ALWAYS SAYING HURTFUL THINGS TO ME WHERE MY BROTHER IS CONCERNED. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM. IS HE JEALOUS THAT MY BROTHER IS GETTING HELP FOR HIS ADDICTION AND HE IS NOT? COULD HE BE SEEING SOME OF HIS CHARACTER FLAUS IN MY BROTHER? WHY IS ACTING LIKE THIS?
First of all ... Welcome to MIP! You have made a great step for yourself by reaching out for some help. There are many people here who have been in very similar situations and we are all here to support you and share our experiences strength and hope for the future.
In other words we don't give advise ... won't tell you what to do, but we will be here for you as you work through things.
Have you ever been to alanon before or read any literature? Meetings are a great source of information for you about this disease.
In my experience, I have seen those affected be very self-centered and their version of reality for certain subjects be very very distorted. It seems to be the nature of adiction, like a defense mechanism.
Trying to make sense of it... is pointless because its not centered in reality and facts. And it can change on a dime... often times it does.
But you are doing the right thing... you can take care of you. The first thing someone told me when I came here was the 3 c's.... you didn't Cause this, you can't Control him and you can't Cure him...
You don't have to allow him to be abusive to you in any way... if it seems he is being unreasonable... then likely he is.
I know you will get a lot of feedback here... I have to run. But I wanted to welcome you and tell you that this program can really help if you apply it. It has literally saved my life.
Take care of you!
Keep coming back!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I won't presume to know why your AH is thinking or acting the way he is.
I've learned from Al-anon literature and meetings that alcoholics are trapped in a disease and they have days where they're struggling to come up for air and days where they're lured by the sirens into the deepest darkest corners of denial and the disease.
I hear fear from your AH, and I hear a voice of reason from him, too.
I'd personally thank your AH for setting the boundary on not allowing your brother into the home. I think it saved you a lot of misery. Your brother is an addict as well and you'd then be living with TWO addicts - one in recovery, one not, but both are a potent mix for co-dependents like us Al-anoners.
I'd respect your AH's wish where your brother is concerned, but the rest of it - his anger and lashing out and cursing and threats is his disease talking.
Do you have any Al-anon meetings nearby? Get to one today, if possible. Pick up some of the free pamphlets they hand out. If you're really drawn to the program at the start, even buy some literature. "How Al-Anon Works" is a good starting point.
You'll learn you're not alone. You'll learn, too, how to live a happy life whether your AH or your addict Brother are using or not.
sure sounds like my exA. I lived with him for 7 years. It was 'his" house, his home, his business, his car, his truck, his furniture, where did I fit in.Apparently I was essential also but never allowed much of a voice.
That is a pretty hard way to live. I don't have an opinion or a judgement about the way you are living. I certainly lived, ate and breathed it for 7 years.
I came here 4 years ago. Gradually I began to see a light. Now I am a very different person but I certainly don't judge you or think about what you "should" do. We all have our own path.
There are some wonderful, giving, kind, generous people here.
Keep sharing. Get as much recovery literature as you can.
My mother died a few years ago, the A was not there in any way. In fact he accused me of hurting him in some way because I did not appreciate that the still had grief from the death of his father (which was a few years before I met him). What's more he said that it was selfish of me to "grieve" when he needed to grieve his father. Talk about self absorbed.
I was a total mess, livid, grief sticken, confused, fed up, exhausted, always looking for someone to explain why he was the way he was.
That is one reason I am so glad I 'surrendered' now I no longer think "why" about anything It is what it is. They do act like total basket cases and they try to pin it on "us". I no longer accept the challenge but I did, oh I did for such a long long time.
Take care, keep putting out what you are feeling here. I wouldn't necessarily recommend you tell him how you feel. Keep this place sacred.
Fearful, your husband may quite possibly be an addict.If so he is a very sick man.When a person is an using addict, they progressively get worse as time goes on.
They remain the age they were when they started using,never maturing or learning much of anything.
There is no figuring out insanity. We learn in alanon to not question what they do. What is more important is, is how we will deal with the situation.
As they get worse, they become more and more selfish. Just symptoms of the disease.
I am sad to hear you lost your daddy. I called mine that too. I am sure your brother is doing his best.Good for him to be in rehab.
Do you really want another A in your home? There have been many instances where there has been some very bad situations from bringing an Addict into your home.
Plus I would not bring in a single male or female into my home who will influence my children. It is a given they will.
I can see what upset you however.
We learn to put up boundaries with A's. And also consequences. Sadly this situation is bound to get worse.
Believe me, you are very welcome here, in the right place too.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! You are already on the right path and I hope you'll keep coming. This forum is amazing. We have online meetings as well. They say "courage is fear that has said it's prayers."
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
". EXCUSE MY FRENCH. 
