I heard in the past few days of a friend of mine I was in another recovery grouip with who has now received news she has another cancer. She had two different kinds of cancer before, had sugery, chemo and was very ill for a long time.  Now she has another bout of cancer.  In my recovery from codependency I don't immediately jump on the band waggon of working out what it is and how she got it.  She once asked me to do a bunch of internet research for her then wanted me to spend all my time doing it and I had to decline.  I simply don't have the space for that kind of commitment.  I used to, belive me I used to think giving myself till I had nothing left to give was a noble cause but I eventually found I destroyed myself in the process. 

I send her lots of information and stuff on cancer (medical and alternative) long ago.  The issue for me is not in jumping in and controlling her or wanting to help her (she has a lot of help and is certainly far from helpless)  there but in reflecting.  My friend is much like me, long history of self neglect. She did not go to a doctor for 13 years and had a huge fear of having cancer, self fulfilling prophecy.  I currently really struggle in following up with my doctor around fatigue and other issues which are huge in my life.  I'd like nothing better than not to pursue it because that's my norm, procrastinate and find someone or something to obsess on.  

 Right now my friend would most like money and help with certain issues. I don't have that to give and I'm so clear on that these days. I know where giving what I did not have to give got me.  I can finallly say no and not feel guilty. I do not have that to give as much as I'd like to give it I dont have it.

For me its a reminder of something that I have got totally clear in my head, my own disease of codependency kills. This friend who I've known for probably 7 years plus now is someone who has our disease.  She is not in recovery from it.  I like her but I know to keep a distance from her, she lashes out and is judgemental and that hurts. I've certainly done that.   She also has a very fixed idea of what I "should" do and has no hesitation of "shoulding" on me which is very very very hurtful.  I have certainly should on many a person all my life and I know that is as damaging for me as it is for the person I should on.

I am an incredible martyr and rescuer and self denyer and for me right now my focus has to be on me and my own recovery.  Nevertheless I do forgive my friend not because she is ill or particularly more worthy because she is ill but I know without a shred of a doubt that this disease (codependence) had a crucial role in her now current mortally ill state.  I forgive her because I really do now believe she had no clue how ill she was with codependency much as I had no clue till I could be here for such a long time and be willing to look and examine and focus on me rather than everyone else but me.  I know if I do not care for myself I will like her fall ill and end up dying far far before my time. I also know for me personally the toll of living with an active A really really took a hit to my physical and emotional body.  I simply cannot do that to myself anymore.  I am very very very clear that I simply can't engage with those who are choosing that kind of self destructive path, my own life is at risk if I do without recovery.

I feel very sad for my friend because I know she had tremendous plans for the future and dreams of a long life ahead.  For me any plans for the future can similarly be totally destroyed by rampant codependence. 

Maresie.