The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I saw the lawyer this morning. It is going to cost me $660 and that includes the filing fee. I imagined it to be a joyful relieving feeling but I feel kind of sad. I guess because in the back of my mind there was always that hope that he'd get better and we could still have that elusive happily ever after. Now I have to let that little sliver go. This is it, the finality of it all! I am trying to tell myself that he could still get better and we could be together again (although I don't think ever married). Don't know why I would want to really tho. I guess I just hate finality.
So I will have sole custody of our son with visitation solely at my discretion and the lawyer also informed me that in this state after six months of no visitation/support I can have his parental rights terminated forever. I guess I'm not ready to go to that extreme yet but I'll save that info for my mom in case anything ever happens to me...
So in about a month this will be over and I'll be divorced and my custody worries will all be a thing of the past. I guess $660 is a small price to pay for the peace of mind.
The only issue left is the car that is registered in both our names and I'm going car shopping this weekend to see if I can get a loan and if so I'm taking one last large hit on my credit and I'm free of him forever. It really does seem senseless to continue to pay 1/4 of my income for a car that I'll never own in the end.
The whole thing is depressing but I am relieved that I am getting out for the low low price of $660.
(((CG))) Finality is a hard one for me, too. But of course you know that it's what is unfortunately necessary at this point. And ya know, NOTHING is forever - and if something miraculous happens and you two can work it out - then that'll be good, too. In the meantime - you are in such a good place. Your program seems strong and you have been so resolved to get this taken care of. Yes, $660 is cheap for peace of mind.
I understand not necessarily having the relief and joy you thought you might have.
It is another step in the process of letting go.
After I moved over two hours away and worked on my recovery, I still wore my wedding band for another two years. I did not want him back; he was violent, paranoid, and psychotic. It was just the idea of that final step, I guess.
You've come a long way in your journey! (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It doesn't feel all that good. That is because we are NOT vindictive B******. We do have feelings and this disease has hurt us as much if not more than the A (I vote more as we have the kids and are doing it all sober). This will pass, this feeling of pain. The doubts will come and go. But we do not know what the future holds and that is where our hope can come from. Maybe you hang onto the idea that he sees the light and in a year or two he comes home and is the man you always thought he was. Maybe that will get you thru. I had that fantasy. Maybe there is a little part of me that still does. For the sake of the children. Nah, that fantasy is gone. *sigh*
It is hard, making it all real. But isn't that what being the grown up is about? I wouldn't be divorced if I had left it up to my ex. Divorce doesn't mean that YOU will not have a happily ever after....just like marriage didn't guaretee it. Divorce doesn't mean the past didn't happen, that you two didn't love each other, that you didn't want to be married. It just means now that part is over. Next chapter ready to begin.
If I had to guess at this, perhaps you need to mourn the end of the relationship. Despite all the problems, you were a family and there was love and happiness at some point. This is the final step. So go ahead and mourn it. It's okay. It's the way we move on. It is sad when things end, so there will always be that mournful side. But when you look into your son's eyes, try and remember the good times you had as a family. That might help you. It wasn't a waste of time and energy. No relationship good or bad IMHO is a waste. It's how we learn life's lessons. You have a beautiful son and he grow into a great man. He has a great example of how to live life on life's terms by looking at his Mom. Love and blessings to you and your family. Here's to the new chapter in your life.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I'm glad that you have this charted out.$660 is a lot when you dont' have it. I dont' really understand the car issue but I'm sure no one understood my truck issue either. Needless to say I will never co own a car with anyone ever again. The price is way too high.
I tend to take things one at a time. I did have a real moment of sadness when I went out on a date a few weeks ago when I realised this was another nail in the coffin of knowing the A and I were never going to be together. Moving on is difficult. For me its not one huge wonderful rush either. There is a lot of grief and anger in there for me.
I try these days to break it down into small manageable goals. At the same time I'm no longer dealing with the finality of it. I've moved, I separated our belongings. I moved on. I stopped speaking to him (that was hard). I no longer wonder or even seek out to know where he is. I do know for me focusing on my life now is so key. I try to improve it in small ways every day.
There are more moving on steps for me, changing my address on everything to start with. I may do something about that this week. I'm coming up on an anniversary and that's pretty hard too in some ways. In other ways its liberating.
cg, I totally understand, I mean we do not get married thinking that some day it will end in divorce. Its very sad. Its another stint in the grieving department for awhile- be gentle. If you were all thrilled and wanting to party, it would not be too healthy, I think. Hugs, J.
ugh, gotta love HP's timing- what a joker, huh??!! Maybe this is perfect, though- what goes around comes around and closure is closure; that sure takes the cake!! Hang in there, its all going to work out for the best. Hugs, J.
Hey CG.. I'm just glad that you can finally have some closure. By the way, tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my divorce being final! ...do you call that an anniversary? I don't know... hmm...
Anyway... some wise person on this board once said "When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, change becomes easier." I have it tacked up by my computer and read it often.
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Being 3 months past final on my Divorce... give it time. I don't know if its supposed to feel good, but for me (along with many other emotions including loss) it felt right. That was the important thing.
I felt that my HP had patiently wispered to do so in my ear for a very long time, and I was ready to surrender to that. I didn't feel good either, but I felt a relief when it was final that I can't even describe.
I think for years I was torn between being a loyal husband trying to patch together a really bad relationship by myself... and beating myself up for not making the obvious choice to move on. It was a loose loose situation for me and the kids.
Its not all rainbows and lollypops now... (can't believe I just said that) but wholly crap it is better than constant chaos and watching my children go slowly insane. More than that... it was what I had decided that my HP and I agreed on as the next right thing for me to do. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is not like you chose to do this. I relate completely.
All I can do is send you hugs. It makes me so sad that the disease killed another marriage.
I know you will be ok. you have been couragious with each step you have made.
If it were me, I would sure have his parental rights taken away if I could. Does not mean he cannot ever see them, but it makes it so if something happened to you, you can have a plan for them.
Believe me I have seen some tragic situations when the kids had to be raised by a very sick parent.
But from what I have seen of you, you are going to be going on until you are a 100. Your kiddos need ya.
