Helter-skelter... - Al-Anon Family Group

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Helter-skelter...

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I am doing a fourth step of cataloging my codepndent features which are caretaking, controlling, repressing feelings, not dealing with feelings appropriately, manipulation, self neglect, not taking reponsiblity for ourselves, worrying constanty, critcizing ourselves and our efforts. feeling that we can't do it well enough, not liking and loving ourselves, not allowing others to love or like ourselves, not nuturing ourselves or allowing ourselves to receive the nuturing we want and need, using denial as a coping tool, feeing victimized allt he time, not trusting our feelings, not trusting God/HP, not trusting life and recovery, feeling unsafe, lack of intimacy, lack of fulfillment in relationships, earned and unearned guilt, sexual behaviors including having sex when we didn't want to or engagin in sexual behavior we were uncomfortable with, people pleasing, obsessing, being dependent on others, communicating poorly, dishonestly , emotional dishonesty, not saying no when we mean no, not feeling like we have a life of our own, low self worth, bleieving we desrve little from people and llife, perfectionism, unreasonable expectations of others, staying stuck or trapped in relationships, not owning our power with people inlcuding family members, becoming rigid and inflexible, getting stuck in misery and negative thinking, not allowing ourselves to have fun, unnecessarily depriving ourselves, expeting others to be responsible for us, martyrdom, unclear or unrealistic thinking, lack of spontaneity, recklessness, martyrdom, unresolved historical issues, unresolved abuse issues, despair about relationships, ocnfusing pain or longing with love, withdrawing from friendships not tending to our daily or regular routine, being filled with fear and panic, a tendency to attract sick and moody people, a tendency to be attracted to dysfunctional relationships and employment situations, resentments due to the characteristics listed above. In the later stages of codependency we may look for chronic depression, compulsive or addictive behaviors, self neglect to the pont of illness, suicidal thinking.

Just some thoughts

Maresie.

Tuggboat · Senior Member

Yes HB, you go back to step four to do step five. Ignorance is not really the exact nature. No where in life will we ever have all the knowledge of ourselves and others. Somewhere, we still know the difference between right and wrong. To Me, the exact nature has to do with the what kept me from following my own conscience or more precisely, what I think God's will would have been. Not knowing how to discern the will of God at all would be what I call spiritual blindness or deafness. More than likely though, our conscience has got crowded out by louder voices. The guidance was there all right but we turned away from it for one reason or another.

The names we give these voices and the morals they conflicted with are as variable as each of our understanding of God or our favorite brand of psychology, sociology or program lingo.. It is a moral inventory after all. Wherever our morals come from, we have broken them at times. We want to find out the specifics of how and why we compromised our morals. The incidents, feelings and motives are what comprise the exact nature of our wrongs. Just having a reason is not being thoroughly searching and fearless.

In each section of the 4th step Blueprint for progress is a "Findings section. above that are various questions. I look for patterns in the answers to those questions. I also take the opportunity to jot down reminders of specific incidents and the peoples names.

If I write out the findings part well, it makes a fifth step easier. I gather specific incidents and feelings and findings. from the previous questions.

For instance, I'm looking at the responsibility topic. Generally I am more responsible for others peoples stuff than my own. I might gather a few notes from a particularly memorable incident and put them all in a sentence under findings. It might read like this:

I found out I am more responsible for others issues than my own when I dinged my truck into Paul's truck. I was more concerned with making others peoples jobs easier so I sorted their paperwork instead of being intent on my own brakes being properly set first. I felt like they were unjust to me and didn't understand me afterwards as well as self pity. It looks like that people pleasing habit caused me to almost hurt the same people I was trying to help.

This is what I might read to someone while doing a fifth step. It supplies them and me with enough core details of MY wrongs, thoughts and defects. If I have several incidents or ones I feel particularly guilty about or especially secretive about, I put a short note so that when I do a fifth step I don't forget to mention it. I want to clean out as much baggage as possible rather than try to get away with only a light housecleaning. During the fifth step, at some findings we pause and elaborate and others we just breeze through as the spirit moves us as long as we are thorough and honest.

Each persons particulars are private. We don't have to admit our mistakes to the world but to ourselves, God and another human being. That's Singular if you didn't notice.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

HB,

Try reading the Big Book on the 4th and 5th steps. The AA approach helped me.

In support,
Nancy

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Wow, Mary
You got me thinking now, thank you so much for sharing that with me it has given me some clarity that I did not realise that I was lacking until I read your response. God Bless you as you go through your stepwork and praying for your recovery.

Tugg,
I am so grateful for the time and thought that you gave to my post. You will never know the full extent of it's impact. So clear and so humbling. Looking for and accepting the core details of my wrong doings is something that I strive to unearth, challenge myself on and walk the talk with. Giving thanks today for you and asking for God's blessing upon you as you continue on your journey.

Nancy,
I think I will have to go down to my local library and see if there is an AA Big Book there to look at and read what you have suggested.

Hey everybody,
Learned so much so far, I feel I am at last beginning to get to grips with this process. For an intelligent woman, I sometimes think I am extremely dim - perhaps I should not consider myself as dim but more childlike and therefore need the simplest of explanations to get to grips with the concept at times. There that is a move forward for me - not putting myself down, accepting that I am not mature in all things and looking for maturity of understanding in order to get my side of the street clean.

T H A N K Y O U -

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have completed other 4th steps and felt a lot of closure around past relationships. Nevertheless for me personally I had not addressed the core issues of my codependency until now. I had worked on it, people pleasing being one but I had never really seen it as a whole syndrome.

maresie.

Tuggboat · Senior Member

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt5.pdf

Heres is the chapter about step three and step four from the big book. Besdies the library, The book itself is cheap if you want to own one of your own you can get one at a meeting for about cost of producing it.

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Thank you Tugg.

I went on line yesterday to read from the Big Book, got thrown off time and time again. Think it is just another one of those Firewall problems, like the one that stops me getting into the chat room.

Without repeating my situation that this family has heard on numerous ocassions, I cannot get to any meetings even if there were any nearby. So I will have to go to my local library and see if there is a copy there to read.

Thank you again Tugg for taking the time out to send me the details and show you care.
((((hugs to you for a really good day.))))))

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