The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I am new. I need some feed back. I was planning to offer an ultimatum that my AH stop drinking. It was going to be neat and clean. The kids were going to be out of school. Perfect time to sell the house. I was prepared to be percieved as the bad guy by people on the outside. I did not want to end our family but he would have seen through an empty threat. Only he was in a car accident while drinking with the kids. Noone was hurt. But he was arrested.
As soon as I picked him up from jail he admitted he had a problem and needed help. He has started his treatment and and is also going to AA. I am very glad he is doing this, I want to do my part and help him through this. I truely believe it would be easier for me to forgive him if he had slept with another woman than risking my kids lives.
He has said he is sorry. I know he feels terrible. I thought I could just put this on the shelf and deal with it later. I thank God that He protected my kids and made it so I know that one day, I can forgive my AH.
Apparently I don't hide my anger well. I am being passive aggresive. I need to move forward, but I just don't know how.
It is obvious everyone else has already forgiven him. Friends and family are praising and supporting his decision to go to tratment. And rightfully so. But it was not their children in that car.
I think my anger is justfied, I don't think there is anything he can do. I know him getting angry for not getting past it makes it worse. it has been over a month since the accident. What can I do to move past this thing?
Tia, I'm so thankful no one was hurt, but yes, that was his wakeup call, and I hope he takes it seriously.
I also hope he understands it's going to take time for you, and the children. Everyone forgives in thier own time, and the more he shows his remorse and stays sober, earns trust back, the easier it will be for you to get past it. It won't happen in a month.
I understand your anger. I've been told when angry, don't talk to my AH, call a friend to talk, a friend to pray, any one but him. Easier said than done, but I'm taking baby steps, one day at a time.
Forgiveness comes by the blessing of your HP. Give it to God and let go.
Perhaps you may be able to visualize yourself in his shoes, what if it had been you who had the drinking problem and you who had the kids in the car when you had the accident. There but for the grace of God [HP] you go , however in the reversal perhaps you might glimpse a little of how you might feel knowing that you had done this because you had a problem that you could not in control through lack of acceptance that you had a problem and should have been seeking help with.
I sure would hope that my other half could find it in themselves to forgive me, especially as I have acknowledged the wake up call, and I would in that case try my best to ensure I worked on doing this for my other half in this situation.
Not easy, however I have been there and I can say by LETTING GO, LETTING GOD I was able to forgive and it released me from a lot of negativity and helped me have compassion, even though I did not forget, I did not judge or flog him...he did that for himself.
Praying that he will take baby steps with you as you both recover with the kids. Holding you (((((((hugs)))))))))))...gently gently one step at a time.
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I am so glad you have found this board, now I hope you find a face to face meeting. You have every right to be angry. You also have every right to get help dealing with that anger. From your post it sounds like most people in your life are focusing on him, his accident, his choices. Al anon is about you, and your choices for a happy life. I encourage you to read the literature, and go to meetings. Over time you can work through all of these feelings to find peace and serenity. Welcome!
((((Tia)))))) So thankful that no-one was hurt in the accident. Your anger is certainly justified - those were your babies in that car. All of us mamas can sympathize with your feelings. That being said, he is now doing all that he can do to ensure that it won't happen again. What's done is done. He can't go back in time and take it away. He does, however, have the power within him to never repeat those choices. No-one can predict the future, so all we can do is pray and trust and take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, since there's nothing he can do to change the past, we are left to deal with our responses and feelings about the whole thing. And you will. Al-anon is a great resource for learning how to take care of ourselves. Work through the anger, the fear, the hurt, the betrayal of that trust. You will get through it. He will need his program to deal with his a-ism. You will need your program to deal with life. I look at the people on this board, and I see SO MANY AMAZING STORIES. People who are still even living with an active A in their home, and who are happy, serene, and dealing with their own lives. That's a miracle to me. And the countless miraculous stories of those who are no longer with their A's, but who are working a diligent program of their own recovery from the disease. I come to this board for support and suggestions, and I receive that and so much more. We've all been in your shoes, in one form or another. We understand where you are. Please keep coming back.
Wow- there are a lot of good shares in this thread. Touching on so many things.
When I first read your post and your first line about handing down an ultimatum to your AH, the first thing I thought of in my mind was "then you best be ready to pack your crap and leave, because when you hand down an ultimatum, you must follow through."
If you're not ready to follow through, then that puts you in a hard situation.
Ultimatums put the A's in a hard situation, too - and I learned by giving my AH an ultimatum that it provided him an "out" to not be going to AA and staying sober for his own good. He turned it into a "I'm doing it for you" thing, instead, which put him in a fantastic situation to blame me for his misery because I was forbidding him to drink and threatening our marriage over it. It shifted him back into the denial pattern.
Now, if I had already been ready to leave the relationship, then I probably wouldn't have cared so much that he'd turned it all on me. But I wasn't ready to go. I just wanted him to get better - and get better for himself. It didn't interpret that way for him.
You're perfectly justified in your hurt and outrage at his putting your kids lives in danger. VERY justified. And you have every right to put down that ultimatum to him, but like I said, be prepared to carry it out then, because you voiced it to him.
I found my ultimatum interfered with my AH's recovery. Or he certainly used it as an excuse to interfere with it. Had I not told him what I did in his early stages of attending AA, maybe he'd still be going to AA meetings because he initially, at the very beginning DID start it for HIM.
I think if you want to set an ultimatum, you make it a promise to yourself, then, instead of voicing it to him. This way, he's still in control of his life and his recovery. You're not the one pulling the strings with threats. But at the same time, you quietly set your boundary and promise yourself "If he starts drinking again, I'll leave him." And then follow it through if it happens.
But boy, I loved the other shares here.
I loved the share of putting yourself in the other person's shoes.
I loved the share of "when you're angry, call your sponsor or a friend, but do NOT talk to the A."
I loved the share of turning forgiveness over to your HP. Let go and let God.
Things I keep trying to remember to strive for in my own life and my own recovery.
Get to a face-to-face meeting if you haven't been yet. Then hit as many Al-anon meetings as you can in the next week. Buy some of the literature. Read some of it every day. Start trying to find a sponsor if you don't have one yet - and if you have one, start talking with your sponsor daily.
One thing I shared in another post that I liked the most was my sponsor told me, "Call me when you're butt's on fire! Do NOT make any major life decisions before talking to me. Call me and let's talk it out before you finalize anything."
My first husband drove drunk with our babies. I told him to leave. Sadly he did, left went and got very drunk and was killed on a major highway.
Forgiveness? Honey I would give about anything to have him back and forgive him. I can tell you, my second husband has done some very awful things.The disease has ruined him.
I don't feel bad at him at all. The key is to blame the disease,not the man you love. This man you see now is him,he is not using himself into that monster who takes over when he does.
It was the monster disease in action who caused the accident.thanking our creator they are safe right now.
Detachment is the key. What I did when I got angry said stop and reminded myself it was the disease I hated and was mad at,not my ah who was sick.
It is not easy, takes awhile but it works. I promise you, over time you will forget. Stop the anger by putting in, "everything is ok."
Leave it to a greater judge to take care of it. Let life go on, live your normal way.Before you know it, it will change, the way ya feel I mean.
If you really love him, I mean really love him, you will be able to forgive him.
Maybe when you feel the anger, say stop and remember good times, your first kiss, your wedding, times you laughed together.
If you can, don't force it, but go away on day trips together. Just you two.
I can tell ya too,when my AH was in a mess or caused a really doozy, I switched to our friendship mode. No longer the wife role as much as I am also very much his friend.
Hope this helps some. I cannot tell you how much I grieve over losing my first man.
Thank you all for your input. I spoke to some pals of mine today that I have not spoken to in ages. I did cry, but I guess that is part of the deal. I think handing it to my HP is also helpful.
My husband would not have stopped drinking unless her suffered severe consequences. I know he loves his kids. I think things will be ok.
I have learned that there are Alanon meetings near his group meetings. I plan to attend while he does his group.
I think that now I have things to do that can help, I am not so helpless.
i can relate to being angry. One of the things that the ex A did to me was to severely neglect our dogs. He drove intoxicated crashed cars, crashed cars with the dogs in it and more. Nothing but nothing made him stop, not destroying stuff, not being homeless, not being penniless, not being ill nothing.
I became very very angry. I raged at him so much. I also became incredibly depressed and pretty helpless and despairing. This group helped me tremendously through that.
Thankfully those days are long over. No one here expects you to be a saint. We all have our faults.
I am one year out from leaving the A. I certainly am in no place to forgive him as of yet. I don't hold to maxims about when and if and how I will forgive, after all it is an individual journey. For me personally I am working on how I got there, what I did and what I learned. Forgiveness may be part of that but who knows it may not.
Detachment certainly helped me a great deal in living with an active A. The A I was involved with never wanted any recovery. He blamed me relentlessly as well as anyone who was around for his predicament. He never took one shred of responsibilty ever.
At the moment I am seeing a counselor and working with a sponsor on how angry I still am about having lived with an A for so many years. Sometimes that anger is productive and other times it isn't. I know for sure I don't expect anyone who lives with an active alcoholic or one in recovery to be a perfect model for recovery. I'm not. I dont' seek to be and I am personally far more interested in my own recovery rather than trying to work out whether my process is any better than someone else's or what I "should" do. I've been "should" on all my life so I work much better with suggestions rather than maxims.
For some of us getting into al anon is after a long time of trying to live with the impossible. I do know being in a program helped me. Personally I had to augment that with counselling and with a lot of work on me (including reading outside of the Al anon literature). What works for me might not necessarily work for you. The joy for me in this program is observing others getting better and being "willing" rather than so stuck in rigidity that I can't move.
