The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well Easter's not that great. I had another relapse of thinking to much of AH, after finding his scripts. Got into arguments with him on the phone the past 2 days. I called him today to say I was sorry for swearing at him, but most of the things I said I meant. He said he wants to be off of pills, said he would lay his life down for us. I told him he is already doing that....he's killing himself.
Why do I pick up the phone and call, just to give him a piece of my mind? I always end up feeling worse? Then it takes me days to recover.
Well no point beating yourself up. Detaching is a hard hard hard art to learn. The point is to practice. Sometimes I had to remember to detach when I wanted to do anything but that. I learned not to take much of what the A "said" since he lied so much and since what he said wasn't the way he acted. So i stopped listening and started watching and eventually I got to the point where I stopped dancing in the same frenetic way to his calls to be in his chaos.
I know for me it took 7 years to stop. 3 years minimum on this group to get away.
I am "away" now but I am really aware how tremendously codependent I am.
Something to remember - HE'S not making you feel ill. You are doing it to yourself, by taking the actions you take. I know this seems harsh, but the good side is - if YOU are doing it, YOU can stop. We do have choices - we can sctratch that itch, follow that compulsion. Or, we can choose to do something healthy and life affirming instead.
I spent so much of my life, sitting at the window and crying, waiting for the A to come home from the bar. Half the time, when he did come home, I found myself wishing half an hour later that he hadn't, as he was drunk and unpleasant. Sometimes, though, I did something else - went to sleep, talked to someone I cared for on the phone, played with the kids, went for a walk.... It really made no difference to him, if I was miserable or happy - his drinking, and his attitude when he got home, had very little if anything to do with me. However, it made a huge difference in MY life, if I was miserable or not.
You have a choice - if an action makes you miserable, stop doing it. I know that when I was in the throes of the disease, I could not believe it was that simple, but it is.
Just one day at a time don't pick up the phone and call him. If you get the urge, call your sponsor, go to a meeting but just don't dial that number. If you can't overcome the urge yourself, ask your Higher power for help and to restore you to peace or whatever you ask for. Try to do as God as you understand him would have you. Anywhere in the steps you may find the answer you need but until you do, just one day at a time, don't pick up that handset in anger.
