The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So it turns out that I was paranoid about the whole other girl visiting thing. He didn't get a visit on Sunday. I know this through other sources. Also his mom asked him about it and even said that I thought the other girl was visiting. He said of course not, she is in Florida. He just didn't want a vist on Sunday because he only gets two a week and if you visit on Sunday it is the first of the visitation week, etc... Anyway, I also mentioned the Sunday comment in a letter and now feel not only stupid, but also feel like he and everyone else thinks I am jealous and insecure, etc. This is certainly not the way I wanted to portray myself at this point. :)
it takes a lot of courage and honesty to share this, co/de.
I think this is an example of why it so important to "keep our side of the street clean" and why it is so important to keep our focus on ourselves and our own shortcomings and business and NO ONE elses. when we act out of our contorted and distorted thinking we get bad results and we feel worse and deepen the cycle. At least you can see it and make corrections in the future.
I can think of a million times I felt like I made myself look bad. But to those who judged me, I have to just let that go to HP. I was in an insane state. I called a couple of his friends because I was worried. They were not, they did not answer my calls so I left messages. I did not call them again and I never ever will. I know who I can talk to and who I cannot talk to. I have my own friends and the people who love me. I no longer confide or lean on anyone who does not know me well/get the recovery piece. Most importantly, I no longer am concerned for him- he has his own people/support and its NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
His friends and family are on their own paths and I will not have any kind of contact with them unless it is absolutely necessary, it does not matter how "nice" they are or how friendly they are.
I know who I am and who I want to spend my energy on and who i do not want to spend my energy on. Plain and simple. First comes HP, then comes me, then comes my posse! My AH, AH's friends and family are not in there anywhere right now. Hugs, J.
A sponsor once told me that my body languages tells more of what is going on with me than my words. I thought NOT! and tested his theory. He was right and now I hold his wisdom. Body language is 57+% of all communication and today in honesty I make sure that what I say is what I believe and what I walk.Check yourself out...if you are acting jealouse and insecure and thinking that you're hiding it well from yourself or others, you might as well get honest about it and then you can deal with it. Honestly levels the playing field. Everyone is on the same page and in sync. Of course if you're not jealouse or insecure you don't have to worry about it. Keep on keeping on.
I believe that, on some level, I am insecure and jealous. While I try to rise above this in situations like this- I guess really when any other girl is involved- it raises its ugly head. I guess the fact that it is apparent is not something I should be embarrassed about...? Of course how do we accept and expect others to accept such negative traits...? I am throwing this out as a valid question. :) Thanks for all of the support!
(((((((((((code)))))))))))There's a BIG hug. I sensed you needed it.
They say in Alanon,'what others think about me is none of my business'.I used to have a hard time with that tho.It was sooo important to me that everyone like me.I didn't want them all as friends,but I wanted them to think well of me.I wanted them to buy the image I tried so hard to present.That I was a good person,that I was ok,that I was worthy of love. I could not bear it if someone saw my mistakes or my faults.I think the reason is that I already didn't like me and if 'they' didn't like me either then I was lost,no hope.No one would ever love me and everything my family said about me was true.I really WAS weird, stupid,and unlovable. That was all in my subconcious,of course.All I knew was I just hated it when I messed up and people knew it.I felt so vulnerable. Think about the mental messages you are hearing.Are you sensing things like...now they KNOW you are nuts.....now NOONE will like you....now you'll NEVR have his love...bla,bla,bla.. It's beating yourself up.Those messages are not coming from YOU.Know how I know that? Because you would never say those things to someone else.That's how I know,when I hear negative messages about myself in my mind that it is a pre-recorded message from my past.From someone who hated themselves and therefore could not love me. I think I am much better with all that now.If I make a mistake and people kow it,I can accept that.That is because I know that even with my stupid mistakes and blunders I am still ok.I AM a loveable person.No one is perfect.I can laugh at it and chalk it up to a learning experience.I go on and I let it go.I still like ME.All the good things about me are still there. If someone is going to really love you they will have to accept you with all your faults and flaws,with all the stupid things you say and do.That's what love is.If they can only love you if you never say anything you regret or never show your feelings or never make a mistake,then they will not be able to love you.They don't really even love themselves.That is not YOUR stuff, it's theirs.Give it to them.
I dunno maybe there is some projection here but he is in prison and you are worried about feeling bad? I know I picked up so much for the A, his driving recklessly, his finance nightmares. I worried constantly that he preferred others over me. He did, when it came right down to it he did. So I dont' know that I was insecure and paranoid, maybe I was afraid to admit the truth. I was certainly pretty low down on that list. And I always had this idea that if I did more that it would help, when in fact when I did "less" it got much much much better for me.
One of the last conversations I had with the A was about speaking to his family. When he was on his last bender, his get himself homeless and penniless bender I asked his family for help. He was ready to construe it that it was all "me" that I had caused him all these problems by speaking of the truth. He asked me not to speak to his family, rather than remonstrate in my usual fashion I said "ok" and I have not spoken to them since. I haven't called to see how he is, was, might be, could be, whether he is alive or anything. I stopped.
I worried tremendously how I looked to others for years. I didn't think i was put in a tremendous double bind by all his antics. I'm sure he is at his Uncle's who knows, he found some place to perch for a while. He wanted to tantalize me with the details for months, claiming he was moving several states away and that he had it all planned out. Somehow I was supposed to be hypnotized by the fact that he wouldn't need me then. I was, certainly I was for such a long time. Now I am not. Now I'm in the place of wondering why I bought that package of being the one who had to be "perfect" while he answered for nothing ever.
These days I do not speak to the A but there was a time when I would have stood on my head wondering how I could convince him to be sober, get himself together, act right and took the total reponsibilty for everything. I nearly destroyed myself in the process. These days I am just responsible for me and the two dogs and a cat. That's it, no more no less. That's enough.
I used to be so so worried how the A saw me, walked on egg shells the whole 9 yards all the years we were together. I always felt split, less, than, apart from, out of the loop, not taken into consideration.
You are certainly not alone. For me these days love consideration means not feeling out of the loop and worried and hypervigilant.
These days love means acceptance rather than trying till I almost drop dead from the trying, meanwhile he does very little but point the finger at me while he is constantly messing up every single area of his life.
I have been there, I have certainly been there and I don't intend to go back there.
