The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Will someone make this roller coaster I'm on stop? The last couple days I have viewed this world as an awfully scary place. I am sabataging everything. I am reacting instead of reacting. I know this doesn't work but I am just in a self destructive mood. Everyone is a bad guy and I am feeling helpless against the world. Why can't I just snap out of it? Why can't I just wake up andthis be a horrible nightmare? If this keeps up I am going to look around and be alone. I don 't want that to happen.
The bad news is, nobody can stop the rollercoaster. The good news is you can decide to get off if you want to. I hear where you're comming from and I soooo relate. I have been feeling the same way for about a week. Maybe it's the beautiful full moon, or the spring equnoix? Or maybe it's me dealing with the disease of alcoholism? Anyway, we (me and you) have the absolute authority to get off the ride anytime we wish. I take comfort in that thought!
One of my favorite sayings used to be, "Would someone stop the world, I want to get off." I feel like this is where you are and unfortunately the world won't stop and we can't get off. We have choices on how we process things. We can take action and stop reacting. We can chose to do the next best thing or we can chose to sabatoge everything. It's totally up to us. You are important. I hate to see that your hurting this way. Remember the slogans: One Day at a Time, progress not perfection, and Easy Does It.
One of the ladies in my f2f group says when your sick and tired of being sick and tired, then your ready for change. It took some time for me. I had to wallow in it a while before I was ready to feel better. Take it from me, Recovery feels much better than the 'poor me's' that I was in. When I find myself on my 'pity pot' again I make a gratitude list or read one that I have made when I was feeling better, it's amazing I'm still grateful for the same things.
Hope you get through this tough time with spirits of growth. (((hugs))) Java
I have no idea why this popped into my head (I've never known how all that stuff got in there LOL) but this might be a good time to journal what is going on with you. Write it out; all of it and see what you come up with on feelings, thoughts, memories and behaviors. Use to work for me and still does at times when I do.
I'm grieving these days I spent my whole life in reaction to. I also was in what I think Elizabeth Kubler Ross calls the negotiation mode, rather than accept where I was I was always trying to negotiate out of it. Nowadays I am accepting I am in heavy mess left by left by living with an active A for 7 years instead of fighting I'm surrendering. I know it sounds crazy but when I surrendered I began to see ways I could change things.
Christy has had some really pertinent things to say about re-action as being based in the past experience instead of in the "being present in today" experience. So, to re-act is to be shadowboxing with ghosts, not anything real. It is big trouble, because you are basically working yourself into a corner by dealing with your own fears and projections- your own stuff, nothing that has to do with anyone else, its just that they are triggers for all your own garbage.
If you can pause, even for a minute or two and try to see yourself from outside of yourself, it may help a little. See a woman, look at yourself in the mirror, see her as your very best friend/sister or loved one. Visualize putting your arms around her and loving her, just as she is. Visualize accepting her.
This helps me, to visualize holding and supporting myself and talking to myself as if I were my own best friend or sister. I think Jerry's journaling idea is a good one, too- see where those triggers lead you- they are like the breadcrumbs in the forest (ala Hansel and Gretel) that can lead you to new insights about yourself. Hugs, J.
