The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I knew he was out and still had two weeks to go before his regular appt. so I was curious as to how many he was taking a day. 6 pain pills-loratab, and 5 muscle relaxers, then he was also out of pot, all he had was beer. Wanted to know if I would take him to get more pot. Didn't know that he had another prescription to fill. So he got his pot, meds and then vodka. Next day he is might near comatose, so I counted pills again. 12 muscle relaxers in a 24 hour period. I was MAD!!! I decided to have a nice calm talk with him. Of course he tried to turn it right back on me. I told him I'm not letting him do that to me. Yes, I know that I shouldn't have counted them, even told myself that I shouldn't, but I was worried about him . So now I'm just a nosy B***h, He thought he could trust me not to snoop through his stuff, I said " Well at least I didn't steal them" (when he lived with his daughter he had to hide them because she would steal his meds). Now he feels that he can't trust me (I don't think he trusts anybody). Trying to detach but he keeps bringing our conversation back up and getting little digs in at me, I think he wants to fight sometimes, ( the drama of it all). He did thank me for doing it while his son is away for the week-end. All the things I've been holding in came out (in a calm way). He says I'm geting mean, I feel as if I'm finally getting a back-bone. Thanks for listening. But sometimes I feel as if it has made me feel better. then other times it makes me feel bad, that I stooped to counting his pills. It is just all confusing. Then he pulled his trump called " Well if WE make you that unhappy, then WE will just go. And I knew that he would say that. I can almost tell you what he's gonna do before he does it. I know I am obsessing too much. Am spending Sunday with my daughter and her family at a beautiful place. Am trying to "Let go and Let God"!!! Detach, Read and remember it's not about me!!
ugh! I don't know what the alanon view is exactly but it would seem to me that if you are sharing your home and life with someone you need to know if they are taking that many pills on a daily basis- counting all the time will only make you crazy but you needed to know if you didn't already just how bad it is. So I don't think I would feel guilty or buy into the "he can't trust you" thing at all.
Hang in there, remember they will say anything to justify their behavior.
My husband seemed to just love it when he caught me out in some wrong behaviour. He'd ride and ride and ride even a little thing - I think because he was so used to feeling guilty and ashamed, it felt good to be the one in the right now and then! All you can reallly do is try to detach from his reaction, and be firm and honest with yourself - did you in fact do something you feel is wrong? If so, apologize, and try not to do it again. All of his talk is to a large extent irrelevant - the conscience you have to live with is your own (gotta be honest, though!)
Personally, I found that snooping in the end always made me feel bad, and I tried very very hard to not do it. This is also, as I've said before, a path to compassion for your A - if we find it so hard to resist a compulsion, when we have no physical addiction, how hard must it be for them?
good morning sis. Hands hurt so will not be able to cap. much.
ok what did Yoda say in "star wars?" "Do not say try, say do."
Trying is an excuse to allow ourselves to fail.
When we "do" and it does not go right at least we know we did all we could.
Gently I say, what would make a person snoop into someone elses business? That is what I finally realized in me. Look at you from above or as if your life were a sitcom.
Here is this lady snooping all over in her husbands/sig.others stuff. Detach is easy,love the man, let go of the disease. Any symptoms of the disease are not our business or our inventory.
What does being mad accomplish? Nothing, but upset your gut. The AH is happy you were snooping because it makes you look bad. It wants you to look bad. It wants to believe you are worse or as bad as the disease.
Plus believe me it looks crazy to be into their inventory.After awhile he will say,"she was always digging around in my stuff, counting my pills etc." Then she would lecture me,yes it is a lecture to them, they know what they are doing!!!
What did snooping accomplish? Seriously what did you get out of it? Nothing healthy. Three C's!!!
I sure know where you are.The sooner the person can stop this compulsive need to control that which they cannot,the sooner they will look into the mirror and say,"hmmmm what does that gal need to work on? What is going on in her life,what does she need?"
Doesn't matter that you talked or not. An A does in no way feel about it as you do.
Calm,angry,lovingly,is all bologna,does not matter, not our side of the road.
How would you like it if he went into your dresser and went thru all your stuff? Gets into your purse? It is the same thing, not allowing another human being their privacy.
Also hon,since YOU have been in HIS stuff,he will now have complete freedome to sell your stuff, steal your money,break into your house if he is kicked out....and on and on.
Do unto others remember?
You are a wonderful person, this does not make you bad or dumb.This is what makes us come to alanon, to learn the truth about addiction.
It is all directed at the issue,NOT YOU.
I stopped looking when I learned this tool. Hon even now,9 years later,I still will be cleaning the barn, setting up my washer out here, open a cabinent, rake up the hay and there is an empty bottle.
Needles in his socks, bottle under the bed, his outfit in his coat pocket....been there sweetheart.
It makes me feel so sad that he was so sick,ashamed and guilty that it had come to this. I love him so much.
Then things were missing,my new powerwasher,my table saws,my miter saw, drills, saws, everything!!!! Stupid disease, wish it would make amends and come put my roof on!!
I am in the process buying them all again!
Hugs hugs hugs, NOW go goof around somewhere and snoop in thrift shops. I love to snoop in antique stores and kick myself for giving away all my neat stuff!! haha Truth is I am curious as heck about anything,and everything!!!"
