The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was woke up this morning around 7:30 by the phone. It was him. I thought something was wrong, but it wasn't. He just wanted to talk and missed me. So, I talked to him. He invited me over to watch the Lady Vols play the begining of the National Championship Tournament. They play during the afternoon sometime, but I'll be at the career center for orientation for about 5 hours (!) and he'll be sleeping. So, he's going to record it and after our meeting Monday night, we'll go back to his house and watch it. I asked him how he's been doing, he said ok, just depressed. He doesn't know what or how to feel what's going on in his head. And I explained to him that he covered it all up with beer for so long, he has to just let the feelings come out, what ever they are. He has to learn to feel period. He'd been drinking for a little over 20 years. That's a long time to be numb and NOT feel. He's having a hard time being alone. He started to say something about it and then said he knows that's what he wanted. And I told him that he could talk to me about what and how he's feeling and that I would NEVER say anything like that to him. I reminded him that I love him and am here to listen not to judge. He hasn't been sleeping, so he's exhausted. I was thinking yes I know you are and I knew this would happen but I didn't say it. I could hear it in his voice: the tiredness from not sleeping, the missing me, the being scared of starting to FEEL, I could hear all of it and all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him everything's gonna be alright. But, I didn't. I just listened and thanked my HP for my strength.
I saw this morning that what I did (or didn't do) yesterday is working for both of us. It's showing me that I don't need to be stuck up is behind and that when I'm not he misses me. I realized yesterday that the wanting to go see if he's at a meeting or thinking up a reason to go see him is obsessive behavior and that I HAVE to STOP that. He NEEDS to miss me and if I'm ALWAYS there, he can't. He won't be able to recognize what he needs. I know this now. And I'm grateful to all of you for being here and helping me through this process. It's going to take some time, I know, but I'm developing something else: patience.
Sounds really positive Jennifer, and it sounds like you are in a really good place with all of it....
One word of caution, if I may.... You won't be able to be his "sponsor", per se, and sometimes our love for our A's fools us into wanting/desiring this role. Yes, he needs to open up and share things with you (and himself), but that is just a small portion of the recovery in front of him....
Best of luck Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thanks Tom. I know I can't be his "sponsor" per se...I just want him to know that I'm there for him should he choose to talk. But I do understand what you mean. Thanks Jennifer
Jennifer - I know exactly how you feel with the "wanting him to be okay" thing. I've been going through this on and off with my A for years. One thing I know for sure. We can't love their disease away. But as I heard in al-anon many years ago, we can "love them to death". Literally.
Yes - his being alone was his decision (just as it is my A's decision). But it's like they throw up a wall and then start yelling for help. Crazy-making. And if you're like me, I'm so busy trying to bust through the wall to help him, that I forget that it was he who constructed the wall to begin with.
You sound like you're doing great. Just keep the focus on yourself.
I was absolutely totally enmeshed with the A long after I left him. He could call me and I would drop everything to be with him and attend to his needs. Now I feel considerable resentment about that. I was never in the picture, he did not care about my needs but I would spend hours worrying about him, his state of health, his emotional state and more. I think I managed my "withdrawal" that way.
I also think I have no idea if he A missed me or wanted to manipulate me.
He has called on and off since I cut off all contact with him. Never once, never once has he enquired how I am.
I left "me" entirely out of the picture when I interacted with him.
I gently agree with Tom hon. I also relate to your being there. It is my experience that for me it was another way of enabling. Chances are he is not always there for you,if at all.
When we put ourselves in this "normal to all but A's" friendship place, it enables them to not seak help in rehab,AA, a sponsor etc.
I had to learn that to love an A I had to have a different type of relationship, than I do or did with non A's.
They just are not wired the same. Same as people with Autism or very high I.Q.'s. etc.
I have experienced A's always have an agenda, they want something when they are being nice. Wow did I fall into that pit a million times. Of course it feels so good,we think it is because they love us.But it is the Addiction talking.
I think back now hon, to things I know now were enabling.I sure had NO idea.Bringing my A back then boyfriend cigarettes and money at rehab. I had no idea it was not part of the program.
I think about all the times the A complained about being sick, I thought he was. yea drug sick.
All these years for me my friend, the only time we were in love and it was mellow with usual problems and happy times,was when he was on a strong program before the brain surgery. Basically ONE very sweet year.Two years before that of being friends then it turned to more, then we were dating, then got married. Two months later they found the tumor.
The rest was deep in the pit sick.
We all are on a journey, we all will see things when we are ready. When weare in alanon face to face,reading,chat room,message board, pm, we pick up so many truths. lots of "ah haaa!!"moments.Some very painful.
Please take care of you.I am shaking my head remembering feeling so good,and in ONE tiny second, the AH says or does something and DOWN the coaster goes and there is another broken heart.
I got where I did not care how much I love and want him.My heart was/is too close to breaking completely.
Soooooo hugs sweetheart. You are learning!! Love,debilyn
You're getting to watch the change that comes from getting away from booze. It isn't pretty; kinda like watching a person after surgery going thru the pain without anesthesia.
I am also with Tom's suggestion as I know how important it is. I violated it and as a result my alcoholic went back out for another 5 or 6 years. Messy and sick. I also didn't know anything at all about alcoholism, how it works, what it does and what it doesn't and had to work this program and college to get some of the understanding I have today. I can listen and when I am honest I can say, "I empathize with what you are going thru and I understand that your sponsor is the very best person to help along with all the other recovering alcoholics in your program." Empathy and compassion works best I found out later in hindsight. My problem is me and I have to be aware of that always.
What I did was...my alcoholic came home one night from her AA meeting and asked me if I thought she was an alcoholic. What other possible answer would I give her from my NO it all, enabling, self centered, egotistical personality. What other answer would a man who didn't want to be married to an alcoholic or addict want to come across his lips. What other answer would a spiteful "I'll show them" person utter at a time like that. No guessing, I said emphatically NO! and that is what the disease wanted to here. She went back out and we both were worse off than before. I did the best with what I had and what I had was nothing...not even the minor wisdom to say "I don't know" and or "perhaps you should speak with your sponsor, professional, another recovering woman." You can't give what you don't have is a recovery philosophy that today I follow to the letter as very best I can and with the guidance of the program and my HP. Without that I could cause someone to loose their life after they have lost everything else. "Dear God don't let that begin with me!"
I hope you have a sponsor and if you don't get one soon. If you thought that walking on eggshells was common while he was drinking...It gets hairyer in the early years of sobriety also...there's more at stake for you both.
Time to re-hoist you and your alcoholic back up into the hands of your HP and don't pull it back.
Thanks for your successes. Those are the things that really help me stay in the program and recovery.
Jennifer 