The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There was a time in my life when I couldn't imagine saying something like the title of this thread. I really existed from one crisis/problem to the next, and if there was a lull in the problems, you could count on me to create one. I really felt that life was a battle, and the object was to win. Or rather, to keep on winning because the battle never ends!
In between, I have to admit I had a pretty good life - I did enjoy the battle, and for whatever reason I was gifted with a sense of humor and it takes a great priority in my life. I am always looking for humor, always making up puns and word-play, telling funny stories. My girlfriend loves my humor and she counters with plenty of her own, but says she could never keep up with me. She can't understand how I can be so far out there and so quick with a joke... and I tell her it's a matter of priorities. Laughing has always been a high priority with me, and I've found so many people who put it so far down on their list that they never seem to quite get to it. Yet sometimes those people are the easiest to make laugh out loud.... heh heh.
I am on the brink of taking a major step in one of my financial dillemas that has been bothering me for some time. By the time April 1 rolls around, it should be taken care of. That is a load off and will allow me to move ahead with other life plans... including eventually getting married!
But here is where I find myself occasionally overwhelmed. I could not ask for a better, more understanding partner. I enjoy every minute we are together, and it has been a year. I've also talked about my sober daughter, and my close relationship with her, my granddaughter, and my grandson. For the long years between my divorce and starting this new relationship, they were my main ingredient when it came to just loving and being loved, for who I was. And my girlfriend and my daughter get along wonderfully. I couldn't ask for more... but yet, I'm feeling that I have neglected my daughter this past year. I know that feeling is bogus... she is very busy with her own life, and is hard to get hold of and always has been. She certainly wouldn't think I'm neglecting her. But this is about me. I recently got to go have one of those coffee-shop, face to face talks with her... no kids, just us - just to catch up and talk about our lives, our significant others... everything. We used to do this once a month, not once a year. Talking on the phone isn't the same and it's difficult with kids interrupting and such.
Like I say, this is about me. Sometimes I think I used my daughter as a therapist all these years. I'm sure lots of people use family members as therapists but in this case she's actually qualified - in particular qualified in working with alcoholics both sober and not - and with family relationships within. I have other "theraputic" relationships - friends in and out of the program both AA and Alanon. But my daughter L. is the one who "knows everything", and I trust to discuss about any subject - no back story required, etc. I value that tremendously and she knows I do.
I have also found that the many activities my new girlfriend has involved me in have kept me busy, out of myself, out of my own head. There is less time for self-pity, or past guilt review. Beating myself up used to be my favorite pasttime and now I'm finding it's squeezed out!!! I've always heard the best way to get rid of weeds is to feed the grass.
As each new good thing comes to me - as every day comes - I find myself on unfamiliar ground. It's scary sometimes, which is weird because you'd think I'd be fearless after decades of crisis-based living. But I'll take it. Thanks for listening...
One speaker I heard at a conference said we exchange one set of problems for a new set. I have a new set in "survival" away from the chaos of living with someone who is actively addicted. I sometimes find that challenging. Nevertheless it is a new set of problems. I tend to be very idealistic about relationships. I am glad you have so much support and understanding. I am working on that its a long road for some of us.
I am glad that your life is moving in a better direction. Maresie.
As you said, these are your feelings/fears of neglectfulness. My guess is that your daughter is overjoyed that you've found such happiness and that your life is looking up. She doesn't sound like a pity pot type of person, and if she did feel it, she'd be aware enough to kick it to the curb.
It's funny how our minds work. The word "neglect" probably hasn't crossed her mind at all. You're her one and only Dad and if she's like me, you almost walk on water.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
One of the things that I treasured the most was my mother. We were not only mother/daughter, but best friends as well. (I lost her at the tender age of 19.) One thing that was very unique to us was that I could tell her anything and she could tell me anything. There were a couple of times when I would forget the mother/daughter role to the point where I didn't call her "Mom" but rather "Christy". OOPS. I thought for sure that she was going to kill me! But she didn't. I cherish those moments now more than ever. I am sure your daughter does too. It's good to have a sounding board that you can completely trust.
You know when change happens for the good it can be more terrifying than when bad things happen. You can hit problems/challenges head on. But when things are going well, it's almost like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it is with me. Maybe it's because of our backgrounds. But I have found at this stage in my very young life , is to enjoy the ride. Be happy being happy. You've worked so hard on your recovery, you deserve it. We all do. So take a deep breath, and GO FOR IT! Much love and blessing to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have a long way to go yet to get where you are but have a mini similar situation going on here. My eldest child and I were very close as we dealt with the A - problem solving, taking care of the younger children etc. All of the family of corse was affected and this young adult has steadily improved emotional, relationship and mental health over the past 7 years to the point where just recently a couple of us have said he is himself again and who he would have been in many ways without all the chaos around here. The chaos and getting through it has just made him stronger.
I am getting better slowly, working step 4 now and baby steppin' in a good direction. So my relationship is changing a lot with this eldest child of mine. I miss the closeness of working together yet I am even more happy to see him healthy, have his own life and girlfriend etc. He is getting busier and as time goes by we have less time for those talks, we don't need each other so much but still enjoy the time we are together. At times, I too think I am not doing enough but then I see him so happy and healthy. I keep telling myself that my feeling neglectful is a leftover from the times when I thought caring for someone meant doing things for them - I really like that showing someone I care means just accepting them as they are and I do. I really like this young man and proud of him too.
He used to tell me this would be a good time to meditate or call a friend when we were in the thick of things. Now occasionally he mentions or reminds me to take better care of myself and doesn't act or feel like he has to do anything about that like he used to. It's all good, it is healthy progress, it is not totally comfortable as the relationship is changing yet I know there will always be one - just something different and something that will support each other to live in a healthy way with good self care, acceptance of others and serenity, my goal.
Thanks for reminding me of all this and I think I understand a bit what you mean. It is good to see you sounding so well and able to "take it" ..... that is take "too much of a good thing" Wonderful share!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I read and re-read your post and several things crossed my mind (they always cross...none of them every stay) that I've gotta put out there;
1. You're joking again right? 2. You have a hard time having a good time...right? 3. You haven't guilted your self for a while and you wanted to do it in front of family right? 4. You're so happy you're delirious and it's scaring you right? 5. April first is also April fools day and you're getting a head start on the board? 6. I can come up with more but then it's hard to type with a straight jacket on. You know what my sponsor use to teach me about saying "but"! It discounts everything that came before it. I don't get that you are afraid of your relationship with your daughter. I don't see where that has been and is an anchor to you. You draw the picture very well and though you may have been more involved in the past it doesn't sound like you're loosing ground here and maybe gaining some. The buts tell me that you have doubts...no doubt that you are human. The buts tell me that you are fearful...no doubt that you are human. The buts tell me that you are facing change and you might not do that so well (HP helps here...oooops everywhere) time, prayer and meditations and comfy face to faces with your sponsor (not your daughter...that's cheating) are very profitable here and you're still human. Buts tell me that maybe you want someone else to make the decision and last but not least a but might indicate a need to blow up the whole deal and run...Acronym for FEAR on this one...Know it? The old version.
Maybe it isn't time. Maybe you know something you ain't telling. Maybe you're in a comfort zone and this is as far as you wanna go. Maybe you're worried about ...whatever. It's all a matter of choices. It always is a matter of choices only this time we have the multitude of awesome tools of the program and to top it all off a Higher Power we can always rely on.
I'm gonna read your post again cause I don't believe it. I think I'm being had by a brother over 3000 miles away. Makes me wanna laugh. Imagine me being had? LOL
It sounds to me as though you are in a state of '...cannot believe my luck...' and that the comfortableness of your situation leaves you somewhat fearful.
It sounds to me as though you are happy where you are and are not altogether convinced about changing things in such giant steps as marriage. As to the financial situation, sounds to me as though there is some release there that has been holding you back and you are casting off an anchor. Perhaps you should consider floating off with the tide in the first place and not steaming out at full speed ahead.
It sounds to me as though you need to be honest with yourself instead of taking this so lightly, and although you recognise good in the relationship you now have with your daughter and your girlfriend, you also raise question marks in both cases by the buts.
I, like Jerry, see red flags around the BUTS.
One can never have too much of a good thing if one is truly at ease with it, and that is why I wonder for you are not at ease with it all. So I urge you to think again. Your daughter is the last person to be a theraphist to you. Your girlfriend may be wanting something that you are not truly completely at ease with. You may not be being completely honest with yourself.
Stop and think, contemplate those BUTS. I think that there is more to this, and I will keep you in my prayers. This of course, is only my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Barisax - I smiled when I read your post. Gee.....in a happy relationship......have a daughter that your comfort level is so great that you CAN go a length of time and not feel like the relationship is damaged.
Yes you're right. The feelings you talk about ARE about you. I get the sense that your daughter is doing the daughter thing and living her life...KNOWING that her dad is a phone call or a cup of coffee away if and when she needs you (or vice versa). Try not to let this obvious lack of turmoil eat at you.
I'm one that likes to stir it up every now and then. I'm knee deep in trying to understand the reasons behind this self-sabotaging. But I can't tell you how much I long for a good relationship with a partner, as well as a solid relationship with my dad. The former seems impossible at this moment for me; and the latter seems like too tall of a mountain to climb.
So take a breath and simply enjoy this life that you've built for yourself.
It gives me hope that I may eventually turn a corner and find what I've been searching for.
Bari, thanks for your post, good food for thought. Someday I will be in a better place with positive options before me and this gives me some insight into that. It is inspiring to read about because I know its likely that I will have my "reservations" about certain aspects, too. Thanks for being honest here. Hugs, J.
You're her one and only Dad and if she's like me, you almost walk on water.
Actually I'm one of three... LOL. And not the one that's "blood" either. But I guess I am the one that she thinks of as dad. I mean I did walk her down the aisle and all! Walking on water... well, we both remember each other from our days of drinking and what not. I only walk where I can see the rocks and even then I slip and end up all wet... not slipping in the drinking sense, but you know... behavior and all that. One thing we both understand is "We are not saints".
Interesting to see the replies seem split down the middle. Interesting food for thought.
Jerry - yes, I have long years of experience not being able to handle success... or maybe just distrusting it. I've found the best solution for those feelings is to not react to the feelings. Make some space for myself and be willing to let things play out. This is where my girlfriend and I are very much in step. We still have separate lives and always will - even if we are married and living together. I need to do things on my own, and my awareness of that need is hard-won. She is very willing to let me have my space, but I'm trying to let her have hers too - although I also accept that not everybody needs or wants as much solitude as I do.
Got to spend Easter dinner with daughter & her family. Grandson's vocabulary is doubling every visit it seems. Granddaughter stays in her room and makes her grand entrance after everybody else... and still stops my heart when she walks into the room. The blonde drama queen. Oh my. The power she has is magical and scary. Unlike her mother, she is WELL aware of it and uses it overtly, rather than subliminally. I am fascinated by family dynamics, they are different from house to house. Grandson is the youngest, is daddy's boy, and no doubt getting the attention right now but I wonder how it will be for him growing up in the long shadow of the Goddess... LOL. I think he'll do just fine but, what a group of people to end up in! People who believe in reincarnation say that souls choose their parents... this little guy must have an appetite for adventure!
I thought for sure that she was going to kill me! But she didn't. I cherish those moments now more than ever. I am sure your daughter does too. It's good to have a sounding board that you can completely trust. 
, is to enjoy the ride. Be happy being happy. You've worked so hard on your recovery, you deserve it. We all do. So take a deep breath, and GO FOR IT! Much love and blessing to you and your family.
