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I am new to this Board and have just signed up as after last night at home I am at the end of my patience and need support.
I was brought up with an Alcoholic father. He seemed to be a roller coaster, going through phases of drinking and phases of easing off the booze. When he was sober (which was more often years ago than now as now he is NEVER sober) we had a reasonable life. We would ahev months of 'normal' followed by months of him drinking heavily, being abusive and violent towards my mother and not taking part in fmaily life.
I moved out of home 9 years ago to go to University, from Uni i moved in with my partner. However, 1 year ago my relationship broke down and i found myself moving back to the fmaily home (my younger sister still lives there too). I was shocked and disappointed at the circumstances. My father is never sober now, just different degrees of drunk. He is still working and because he does not drink during work he doesn't class himself as alcoholic dependent! But he is. He is in the pub every day from about 3pm till about 9pm, on weekends he goes out at midday and comes home at 9pm. He is a drunk. He is also diabetic and so the high sugar in the cider that he drinks, mixed with the lack of food etc makes him very abusive. He is constantly abusive to me and my Mum (not so much my sister). He isn't volient anymore becuase he is too drunk to be violent. He is just mentally abusive.
Unfortunatley, My mother has begun to drink very heavily aswell. Like my father she doesn't drink in the day but she gets home from work and joins him in the pub most nights. If she doesn't go out then she drinks in the house. she has started to hide what she drinks in the house.
My father doesn't use excuses for his drinking anymore. Mum does though. she will use anything from a hard day in work, to meeting an old friend - she just can't say 'I am going out becuase I want to have a drink'. She even blames me and my sister.
Last night was the last straw..... they came home from the pub again - compeltely drunk. they were both abusive to my sister and I so we walked away from them, we both went up to my bedroom. Just hearing your parents hate each other and say vile things about their 2 loving, caring, popular, successful children is really starting to make me ill. I am so tense and unhappy all of the time, My friends don't come to the house as they don't know what to expect.
My mother is the one that is worrying me the most though as she has only been this bad progresivly over the last 2 - 3 years. Lost all hope and respect for my father but wish I could get my mother to stop drinking and see what she is doing to herself and her fmaily!
I am so, so unhappy I just don't know what to do!!!
(((Calamity))) welcome I've not been on this board long on in Al-Anon long, but the people here have helped me out tremendously. There is alot of love, understanding, experience, strength, and hope here. Keep coming back blessings Jennifer
Welcome (((((((((Jane)))))))))), I'm so glad you've found us!
What you describe is unfortunately very typical of alcoholism - it's progressive, so it gets worse over time. It's a family disease, a disease of behaviours and relationships, not just a disease of drinking - hence the denial, blame, twisted thinking, etc, etc.
I want to say emphatically to both you and your sister that you did NOT Cause the problem. You also cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. We call that the "3 Cs". This means you cannot "make" your mother see. However you and your sister CAN learn new attitudes and behaviours so that you will be in a better place no matter what happens with your parents. Sometimes an alcoholic will see this recovery and want it for themselves, and will finally be able to admit their own powerlessness over the drink, and seek support. Sometimes they do not - but YOU do not have to be entangled and sucked down with it.
I encourage you strongly to take your sister and go to a f2f (face to face) Alanon Meeting. There you will find people who understand because they have been in similar situations. When they talk, you will relate to them, and when you talk, they will relate to you and nod their heads, and that will feel amazing. You can get a free newcomer packet at that meeting too, which has several good pamphlets. Here is the UK alanon site, which will direct you to local meetings: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
How old is your sister? You are graduated from uni so you have the option of moving out - is it an option for her to come with you?
Above all, please keep coming back, whether it's here or f2f or both - it really does work when you work it, but I remember quite clearly that at first it mostly sounded like gibberish. It's quite a different way of looking at the world, usually, but we are all here because we feel better when we do it this way. We are glad you are here with us.
I grew up in an alcoholic abusive home. I can relate. I can also relate to going home at certain points in my life. I left home a long time ago but I reproduced the family I left with people I met. I was a strange mixture of comfortable and disgusted by those people much as I was my parents.
Detaching is a real art to learn and al anon can help you with that. There are many many tools that can help you to survive what you are going through. One is to come here, I have been coming here for over 3 years now it is my home. I consider many of the people on this board my lifeline.
If you want to read as much as you can on the nature of alcoholism and codependence. Are you eligible for counselling. I recently started seeing an intern at a local YWCA, there is low fee counselling out here. Have you considered going to ACA meetings, there is a group on this board.
I spent a lot of time working on my family of origin issues, it is time well spent. There are numerous authors who are really really knowledgeable on the issues you are dealing with, Claudia Black, Pia Melody, Melody Beattie, and there is much much Al anon literature that can help you from daily meditation guides to books on how to work the 12 steps.
The 12 steps are indeed an excellent tool to work through many many issues. Clarity is very helpful when you have been in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Welcome I am glad to know you.
Welcome to the board. Pick up a meeting schedule because you can attend online meetings here also...check the home page.
Glad to have you here. You are qualified it seems by your post. As it was mentioned...this is a family disease. It is not unusual for a family member or two to join the alcoholic in their drinking as a way of coping. Your mom maybe trying to cope infact they may both be trying to cope with life or whatever. Your dad has the longer history yet that doesn't mean that your mom is not alcoholic either..."compulsive drinking with an alergy to the mind, body, spirit and emotins." In any case this disease looks for victims. Alcoholics are not often nice. Alcohol is a depressant and depressant mean downer and downer means among many things, sad, angry, rageful, full of guilt and shame and more. They direct these feeling away from themselves and on to others. If you and your sister were not at home there are other victims all over the place. They don't blame themselves until blaming others stops working (this is where the Al-Anon Family Groups comes in) and they are willing to face themselves and their drinking and what it has cost them.
In Al-Anon we have the same 12 steps and similar program as AA. We learn and understand and work these steps for us...not for them. Step One is about being powerless over someone else's compulsion and addiction to alcohol. Along side Step One you can add the three "Cs" and a whole lot more. We learn about such artful behavior as "Detachment" and "Choices", "Love" without condition and much more.
I learned to differentiate my Step-Father and An-Alcoholic. When he wasn't drinking and dragging the whole world down around him he was my Step-Father. When he was he was my Alcoholic. I did the same with the alcoholics and addicts I married. I learned about the disease aspect of Alcoholism and that this is not a moral issue...."They are not bad. They are sick and suffering." I learned as much as I could because understanding gave me power over my own fear and short-sightedness and my own anger and rage. I learned to love the alcoholic and hate the disease. I leared to have compassion for a hurtful, angry, hateful person. There is much to learn and this is a starting point.
Al-Anon has tons of very important, useful literature all written by either those who have suffered at the hands of this disease and came thru it or by professionals who have worked within the disease and came to understand it and how it works. Pamphlets such as "Alcoholism, a merry-go-round named denial" is very very good. You can get literature here or at face to face meetings. I prefer face to face meetings because that is what worked for me and that is where I not only got literature, I got real people who I identified with my condition and they had solutions...real ones that worked for them and then for me.
Keep coming back here. If it works for you, you can express that to your sister. She doesn't have to be alone either.
Welcome! I am new to this board too, but like you well aquainted with alcoholism. I have found that reading these posts help calm and center me when I am feeling especially at my wits end and isolated to boot. Keep reading and, yes, meetings also.
Welcome to MIP! It has helped me alot coming here and going to f2f meetings. My husband is going thru something similar. His father was an alcoholic for 50 years and the disease progressed in him. He passed away years ago. Now his mother (elderly) is drinking heavily and causing problems like falling, etc. What helped in his family was having a family meeting with his sibs and the alcoholic. At least his dad knew that they were on to his drinking and destructive behavior. They didn't stop him from drinking but they took his car keys away and hide the car. He quit hurting other people. Unity amongst the family members helps. They had a family meeting last weekend with the siblings and Mom. By confronting her they were no longer divided. They told Mom what they were going to do. She may not quit drinking but they will hold her accountable for her actions. How this helps.
There is quite a big age gap between me and my sister. She is going of to Uni this September so she will be out of it. She is also going to Uni about 350 miles away so will be far enough away not to worry about things. However, I have about another year at home of this before i have saved enough for a deposit for a house of my own!! I will be there alone without her then and that worries me as we kind of support each other at the moment!!!
Hang in there! It sounds like you are definitely in need of Alanon. Welcome! This is the best place for you to be. Even if your parents don't get sober, at least you may find serenity and peace through this message board by hearing other's ESH-experience, strength and hope. I hope the best for you--it is not easy dealing with Alcholics. I don't have active alcoholics in my life but not too long ago my husband was out there. He had periods of sobriety over the years but ran away from home to drink and basically almost lost his life due to all kinds of behaviors he partook in because of this disease. I am so grateful that he is home and is sober now. The thing is though, is that the sobriety is not a guarantee. He has to maintain his sobriety one day at a time! Remember when your parents talk about you negatively, it is the alcohol talking not your loving parents. You will find that they are just living a horrible disease and you are sometimes the brunt of their anger when actually they aren't probably even angry with you at all. I hope this helps! If not, I hope you are able to find and understand that there are others who have experienced the same things, too. There is no situation too difficult to be lessened. I think that is how it goes. Anyway, keep coming back, we will love you until you are able to love yourself! Kathleen
