The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
um ok....so my mom yells ALL the time because the kids don't listen and when she yells they yell back...so there is ALWAYS yelling in her house and my nerves can't take it anymore!!!!! I told her this morning that I miss the quiet of my house. She said that I have kids and quiet does not exist here. She complains all the time about them yelling at her...and yes I know children are not supposed to yell at thier elders yada yada....if I did that as a child, I would have been smacked in the mouth so fast that my head would spin....I've talked with the kids about the yelling and I've talked to her about yelling at them all the time...they don't listen--she yells....they don't like the yelling, I tell them to listen and she won't yell!!!!! It's simple really....I've also told them what would happen to me when I was younger if I DARED to raise my voice to ANY of my grandparents...they don't seem to care because they know she won't do anything to them. My daughter doesn't yell..she whines...it's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop...I was faxing my resume and the 13 y/o was yelling about something...drama really...and I told them that I couldn't take all this yelling and shouting all the time...now I know what my A went through when we lived here...
I just don't know what to do anymore...and ESH would be greatly appreciated.
My experience working with kids is that they take their cue from the adults- so, the adults need to stop yelling in order for the kids to stop yelling. I work in classrooms with children and as soon as I take my voice down, they get quiet and come closer because they cannot hear me and want to know what I am saying. This is incredibly effective in all kinds of situations.
Whisperiing usually makes everyone want to hear what is going on!! If a child is physically doing something that needs to stop it is better to walk over to them and physically stop them (gently, of course) than to yell across a room at them.
Loud adults create loud kids- 9 times out of 10, I see it all the time.
My grandkids and daughter just moved out of my house (Thank God). From my perspective I had to fight resentment that my daughter didn't discipline her kids if I was around. "Mom (me) can handle it". Well, I didn't want to handle it!! I've done my time with kids and felt she should do hers with her own kids. There were many times when I waited for her to intercede and attend to her kids. I tell ya, I coulda yelled too! Especially when I heard "Whateverrrr!!" when I spoke to them about not doing an agreed on chore or leaving food in their rooms (food was never to go in bedrooms with new carpet) etc.. My daughter looked the other way and didn't uphold my rules either. They weren't strict rules of any sort either. Yelling isn't a good thing, but from your Mom's view, she's probably just overwhelmed with it all. I know I was!! There's something way wrong with being disrespected in your own home when you are offering shelter, paying the extra utilities, and everything else that goes with it.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Jean stole my words. Whispering is awsome. especially if you are sincerly communicating with a child. Maybe they are trying to get attention byt yelling. Makes sense. :) I yell because I don't think I'm being heard. when someone yells back I'm just being taleked at. I need spoken to and kids like me want to be understood. Our prayer of St Francis asks that we understand rather than to be understood. Its a form of love to listen. Whisper sincerly to a child and they usually stop. They can tell if your just playing a game, don't let on that your whispering because they are yelling and they will stop and listen. Thats my limited experience. I don't have the day to day pressure so I'm sure its hard to give everybody the listening and love they crave. Some people are high maintenance but people grow a lot like faith.
As i slowly and repeatedly leaned on God, I slowly and repeatedly learned he was there for me. Day after day I learned to rust that he would be ther to listen , understand and answer. But it took time. I no longer have to yell and test to see if God is there. I was high maintenance and now I have a relaxed assuredness that I am not alone.
My nephews have grown like that and its been fun watching them and being a part of their growth from screaming nut cases to usually very polite children. I see the boy pull dad off to the side for a talk, instead of the other way around. I see the girl invite mom into her room, to do girl stuff, and very occasionally to show off her room. They have a simple code, a child can break in anytime by placing their hand on their parents or elders hand. The child is patient until we stop our senseless chatter :), then the parent stops and turns all attention to the child. The child knows their needs will be met and their concerns listened to so they can afford to be patient. :) The parent knows they can continue and close a line of thought and have time to politely break the conversation. (good example huh) Nice little system.
My experience tells me that we cannot change another adult,but we guide our children to be good people.
Kids need rules/boundaries that is how they feel secure growing up,and how they know how to be secure adults.
They absolutely can be taught to be respectful to adults and/or they can be taught how THEY should behave no matter how the adult does.
If gma yells they are to listen. Period. They listen then do what the adult says. gma that is.
When they have a chance they need to be able to come to their parent and vent about what happened with gma or whoever.
rules/boundaries and consequences are vital to raising kids or when you are teaching kids.
My students were very at risk, they knew I had their back,but they also knew I expected certain behavior from them.Not only with me but others.
If they bumped heads with someone else, I said just be quiet, listen, sit,then when you can,come talk to me.
I don't care how old kids are,time out is what works.
Not a punishment,but a time to reflect and think about the rule and what they could have done differently
I had high school football *stars* doing time out.
Was fun, but effective.
Hey I grew up with a fun,loving,gentle,caring,unselfish mother. We learned not to yell in the house.Would not think of yelling at an adult.We did not use profanity, we would never hit,kick or any of that.
It looks like kids are running their parents. I cannot believe the lack of respect.
They NEEEEEED boundaries. Imagine being a kid with no fences,no walls,no hedges, no moat,no one who said do not run into the street,do not take food from the store.The feeling of no foundation would be horrible scarey.
I still have to remind my son not to use profanity around me.
You may have to start at the beginning. Get a big piece of paper, a white board,a chalkboard, have your kids sit with you and have popcorn and juice.Say ok we need rules written down so we know how we want things to be in our home.
Then allow THEM to tell YOU what the rules are.Right them down.
Tell them oh two or three consequences. Say ok how about if you break this one, you have five min time out? Or how about you lose 30 min of your one hour of computer time?
Whatever, write it down.
Then it spills into chores. write them down. They are the family, they need to feel they have control.
Even a little kid can use a feather duster and "help." (o:
Then maybe allow them one get out of time out coupon to earn. once a week. they use it, however must agree to three min. or whatever to calm down and have a talk with you.You listen, they listen.
this works. I have seen families blossom from simple meeting of the minds boundaries.
I believe that is what makes me still wish I could have kids at 55. I was a guardian to a teenager until she grew up.I also was a theraputic counselor foster parent...now that was tough.
Hey I still blew it sometimes and had to regroup.
When my one foster girl kept slamming her door,the natural consequence was,I took it off.
she would lock herself in the bathroom, so I took the locks off.
man she was a mess.
anyway I know you can bring your kiddos around.Now you have some tools.
You could always bring gma in on this too.hugs,debilyn
nicely put debilyn. I am in awe at working families. it so much a part of what we are about here, The family is where ireally work the do's and don't of detachment to. It doesn't matter if they drink. I've learned not to react as quickly and as poorly as I used to. I also think the twelve traditions have some good spiritual principles that can be applied inside a family as well as an Al-Anon group. Trying to protect common welfare through unity instead of sacrice or division. Thats huge. Pulling God into the equation on family decisions. Just interjecting the thought, "What would God want us to to do smashes barriers of pride and selfishness in such a manner unlike any browbeating, con or manipulation.
Thats only the first two traditions. :) Well lest I ramble. G'night.
I think it took me a full year to stop missing what I imagined the relationship was I had with the A. I had a home sort of but it was so mired in disease I would hardly call it a place of rest
Strange how difficult that transition is for some of us. I recently said I just have to give up thinking about what I lost and move on. The life with the A was so driven with dependency, dreams, problems, money problems, his problems, my not being able to "live" with his constant never ending chaos. Yet I dressed it up a lot. I believed I had a home, I invested in it heavily, I kept "trying" even when there was nothing at all left. I also really for a long time believed he would come around, sort himself out, we could drag something out of the ashes. That was not to be for me. A year later I am no longer "longing" for what I made out of the denial. I'm willing to sit in my mess for a while and try to build something else. I don't know what it will be but I know it won't include alcohol.
