Yesterday with my teen daughter... - Al-Anon Family Group

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Yesterday with my teen daughter...

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

Atta girl!!!!!

My youngest had some very strict guidelines/rules after she came home from foster care. She was still being overseen by the state. If she missed school, back to foster care she went.

Kids need to learn there are consequences for everything, both good and bad, depending on their decisions.

Just stand firm with your boundaries. (((hugs)))

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you! It took me till I was all grown up to understand that if I do not get the proper amount of sleep, I am a raving lunatic. No one ever explained that to me. Infact, my mother would wake me up, I'd go back to sleep, she would come back in with her "time to get up...." I would tell her "I'm up" and this would go on and on for about 45 minutes. Then I would be all stressed because I was going to be late (she never cared about being late, she is never on time) and I would be a huge snot to her. I wonder if the entire situation might have been avoided if I had been give the opportunity to do it myself. But I was never allowed to. I was never told that I was responsible enough. In fact, she has always made it a point to tell me how incapable I am.

So, good for you and your solution. I wake the kids up once, and I go back and lay down and they get all ready and come kiss me before they leave. There is a part of me that would love to be the kind of mom who gets up cheery and makes a big, healthy breakfast.....but I'm not. If I had to do that I would still be a miserable witch. My body clock is set to later nights later mornings (from working theatre all my life). I don't rage like I did when I was a kid because I know I need a good amount of sleep. But I am not pleasent until maybe 10am.

I think getting her an alarm clock is a great way to show her that she CAN take care of herself.

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Love it.

She is old enough to take responsibility of her own actions and it will be hard to stick to your guns, but it is imperative that you do. Not once do you slip back and release her of the consequences of her actions.

Way to go. Sending you (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) CG.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

For me structure would have really helped me as a child. I would have loved to have a mother who showed some interest in me at all. I got one who didn't, she was on overwhelm her entire lifetime. She never did get to really any level beyond the most minimal self care. I know that I set me up to absolutely crave caring from others and the A could plug into that like a lamp. I was an open book on "need".

I don't know that I would have responded to the maxim of boundaries as a teenager, I knew three levers, rebel, fantasy and shut down. By then I was pretty much lost to the fantasy too. I never really got enough interest, structure, counseling, feedback, modeling of self care. I find it pretty hard these days to be accountable to myself let alone anyone else.

I think that's why I so often feel absolutley lost in the world these days. I also think for me as there was no structure beyond chaos when I was a child I saw no red flags when I met the A.

Maresie.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

My first thought was "why is a 13 yo allowed to stay up til midnight?" Sorry, just being honest. I just don't understand why she doesn't have a bed time. I do understand that your family isn't mine. You will find what works for you. Just something to think about.

I almost didn't put that out to you, but then realised that you are a strong woman and I respect you greatly. You deserve honesty.

One other thing, I remember always having a bedtime and still having trouble getting up just like your dd and Serendipity. I think the alarm clock would have helped me, too. No way I wanted to miss school and stay home. So the bedtime is important, but maybe not that related to the morning power struggle. Taking yourself out of the equation sounds like a good step in the right direction.

Love in recovery,

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you told her about her having to repeat the 8th grade again. THAT seemed to be the cincher. It would certainly have been it for ME! As a child, I never EVER wanted to be held back a grade, so I really did do my best in school because of that.

I'd say you have some dire consequences waiting for her, too, if she misses the bus. That'll mean she's home all day, and you certainly should ensure that's not a "fun" thing for her. Have chores and other various expectations ready to go if she misses that bus.

That was great for you, though, and a great learning experience for her in understanding that the choices she makes in her life are her responsibility. She can't hold other people accountable for her own bad decisions.

Yay for you!

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying to remember when I got my kids their own alarm clocks - around age 12 I think.

I always got up early, made breakfast for my kids, even up until last year, when they were 17 and 15. Tolerated NO going back to sleep on their part - mostly because they were really quite small when I went back to work and they had to get themselves off to school because I left for work before they had to leave. We got in the habit then of them being up, dressed, backpacks packed, breakfast eaten, by the time I left for work. They then had 45 minutes to read or watch TV, and then had to put the dog out, give him water, lock up, turn off the lights, and walk to school. The little one was only 6 when that started - they did pretty well, all told.

Now that there is just the 16 year old here, I don't even see her until she gets home from school - I suspect she gets up five minutes before the school bell rings. None of my concern - they lock them out of the classroom if they are late, so she knows she has to make it on time.

One reason I always made them breakfast every morning, and packed their lunches, was that when I was a kid, my mom never got up. I started getting up with an alarm when I was 7, woke up my brother, made my own breakfast, and went off to school, all before mom got up - dad was already long gone to work before any of the rest of us woke up. She didn't start getting up in the morning until my little sister started school, when I was 14. Looking back - why was it my job to get my brother up, when he was 6 years older than I was? Boy, some of the seeds were planted way back, weren't they?

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

OMG GIRL!!!!! I go through this w/my 14yo son EVERY morning. I wake up @ 5:50 AM and take my shower. Then I wake him up @ 6:10. For the next 30 min, I have to dilly dally in the kitchen and yell for him to wake up every few min. I tell him I will NOT drive him to school if he misses the bus. I cannot & will not do that to myself or his little sister. He is failing the 9th grade and doesn't care. I refuse to allow him to stay home for anything though. He has his own alarm clock but doesn't use it unless he has something important going on that he wants to make sure he is up for.

I find w/my teenager, everything is supposed to revolve around HIM!! Yesterday morning he woke up and had a bad crick in his neck from doing too many ab crunches the night before. He seriously thought I was going to let him lay out of school for that. He goofed around for a little while until I looked at him and screamed "What the hell are you doing? Get dressed. You ARE going to school!" On his way out the door, he shot me a hateful look and said, "You are just mean! You are so wicked!!" I just looked back at him w/a look of amusement on my face and said "Have a great day! Love you." He was perfectly fine by the time I got home from work that afternoon.

Teenagers!!! That is all I have to say about that. LOL

Sincerely,
QOD

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