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Got the call with the info I was somewhat expecting; I just didn't know how it would be delivered.
It was my AH, to tell me, in a nutshell, that the divorce needs to be off for now. Even though it is probably what we need to do, he needs to try and save our business so he just doesn't have the time or money for a divorce right now. He didn't ask me, he told me.
Hmmm... maybe he should have thought of that a year and a half ago when he foiled his rehab experience and began thinkng having a g/f was a good idea.
I was silent. Not a word. Then, he said he had to get to work and we'd talk about it later.
Here's the thing... I don't have the money or time right now either. I put the retainer on my credit card, and I certainly could use more time to get my ducks in a row (more work, more organized, kids finish school) and for the economy to improve - there are 5 houses in our neighborhood for sale right now. I've never been through a divorce before, but I am thinking it may be way cheaper if we know if we are going to make it, sell it, or lose it and get some of the details figured out before going in. But, I don't know. I am still in the line of fire.
The flip side is that I do not like him making all the decisions about us staying married or not. His attitude has nothing to do with love, just convenience, for he has absolutly no idea or ability in regards to how to proceed. I just need the pain to end, or at least lessen it a bit. He has no problem carrying on like he isn't married just because he decided to. I, on the other hand, need to end it all so I can move on. I feel I just need to tell him that regardless of what he wants, I want don't want to be married to a lying cheat, who I have no respect for, anymore.
I think part of why I was silent is that I wanted to be able to say something really good. What? I have no idea. The other part, is that I have been trained to be afraid of his responses, even though he is much calmer and doesn't rage anymore since he hasn't been drinking/using.
I'm pretty sure I will have to bring it up again, for he probably thinks he has it all settled. I want to be witty and assertive with as little sarcasm as I can muster. Any ideas? You are all so articulate here. Hey, Seren, I'm sure you can come up with a doozy!
Prayed a lot to HP today. I'm still planning on working on an exit strategy too. I am realizing that I am stronger than I thought. All of you have helped make it so. Thank you!
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You're doing so well! I'm nowhere near as good at keeping my mouth shut. And you're right, he doesn't get to make the decision as to whether you stay married or not! If you've got a lawyer on retainer already, you could file the paperwork. It might not be a quick thing. (Mine is still pending final approval over a year later - we have to file for bankruptcy jointly to wipe out the massive debt we acquired when the drinking got really bad and he lost a couple of jobs.)
And deciding NOT to decide today is an equally valid decision. Know we're here for you whenever you need to talk.
Ask your attorney what the implications would be of withdrawing the petition. Would you have to pay another retainer down the road, for example?
What about a legal separation, is that an option? What are the legal implications of that option?
Or maybe you really aren't ready at this point - that's fine too. Just be honest with yourself. Is the possibility of getting out of it cheaper a good trade for "being married to a lying cheat, who I have no respect for, anymore"?
And if the topic comes up again, "I need to think about this a while longer" , or "I don't know yet - I'm still sitting with it for a while", repeated calmly as many times as it takes, are perfectly valid responses.
I think I would have said something like HA! I couldn't help but laugh in shock of his arrogance that he thought he could just get divorced at HIS convenience. If it were me (mind you I haven't put out the money to file for divorce yet... I'm waiting for him to go back to jail...) I wouldn't say anything and just continue on with what I was doing. I don't think you get a "time out" from divorce LOL. Seems as though he didn't really think this not being married to you thing through very well. First he wants to move back so that you can take care of him again and now he wants to push the pause button on the divorce because it's just not convenient for him right now? I'm sorry but who the HELL does he think he is? He seems to think he is all powerful. WOW. By the way, I don't think the economy is going to get better anytime in the near future, and are either of you really going to have any more time or money later on? This reminds me of Maresie's post yesterday about waiting for happiness, how long are you prepared to wait?
LOL!!! It's not a GOOD time for a divorce???? Oh my! That's a good one.....
Did you ever call him and tell him that it's not a good time for an affair? I mean, when he has a wife and 3(? or is it 4) kids to raise, having an AFFAIR is simply inconvient right now!!! He needs to put his addictions on hold till the kids are out of college at least, then you will let him know when it is time for him to move ahead with his life...until then, he should just keep it in his pants and put the bottle down.
I think divorce is alot like having a baby. It is never the perfect time and there will never be the right amount of money, but yet we just go for it. Even if we have it all planned out, there is always a reason why it isn't absolutly perfect.
Their sense of entitlement is so completly absurd. I mean really. He wants to work on the business and so....Divorce OFF! TADA! That's right GOD has spoken and SO IT SHALL BE!!!! Maybe you could ask him to send forth a declaration that all gallery owners be jailed and all of their profits given to people who cannot draw....HE has SPOKEN!!!!!KA BAM!
I do believe if I were confronted with this kind of absolute disregard from this alien who became my husband, I would have laughed out loud and said "good, I'm glad you and the voices in your head have come to a decision on what you should do. Me and MY voices are going to proceed with the divorce! Wait, wait....my voices have informed me that YOUR voices are willing to give MY voices stock in moon real estate and full custody! Sounds good, have your lawyer draw that up immediatly before I change my mind! Buh bye CRAZY!" click.
The marriage didn't go the way you expected, why do you think the divorce will? I had every justification in the book going as to why I should wait for the divorce up to and including waiting till one of my parents died so that I could walk away and be finacially independent from him. Silly me, I was always finacially independent of him as he never had any money anyway! I didn't wait. I left. I took it all one day at a time. I still am. The money comes, life goes on. I firmly believe that you are strong enough to do what ever it is you need to do for your sanity and serenity. I know you are. Your grace and maturity has shown thru in every interaction you have had with these people who are so sick.
Don't feel sorry for him. He has made his bed, you do not have to make it comfey for him. Not your job. I hear you when you say his actions will effect you and the kids, ofcourse they will, they have been. Have faith that when you are ready, you will jump and you will either learn to fly or you will be caught but you will never have to fall again. That's the greatest feeling knowing that MY life is completly dependent on ME!! My fear kept me still like a deer in headlights. I couldn't see the future so how could I possibly take another step in that direction? I couldn't SEE it. I didn't WANT to be a "single mom" it sounded so awful to me, such stigma in my mind (that ex helped put there). I am very proud of myself and my kids today. So much prouder of myself now than when I was living with a man who had cheated on me (I was never embarrassed about the addiction,or even the mental illnesses and stays in rehab and mental wards). I was always so humiliated by the idea that I would stay with someone who cheated. It just wasn't ME. I was someone who had boundries and self respect and self love. I was someone who gave complete loyality and expected it in return. And when I understood I was miles away from who I thought I was I felt ashamed. I am no longer ashamed. Scared, sure, tired, hurt, angry, confused, but not ashamed any more.
I think your response to his expectation was perfect. When he calls to confirm that you are onboard with his silliness just tell him you have to run it by your lawyer.....
