The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently working the steps with the aide of a sponsor. One thing that leapt out off the page for me today in reviewing the steps is how I wait for happiness. I don't know what it is but I fear having happiness in the present moment. I do have some, thankfully largely in the shape of my pets who bring me great joy. I also have some in the shape of what little recreation I give to myself.
One of my current modes is to think I will be happy when I can get out of the credit jam I am in. I also think I can be happy when I get to the place of retirement (in my case more than a decade away - a long time to wait!).
LOL If you keep waiting for happiness you'll spend your whole life waiting! You can't WAIT for it you have to go out and GET it. I have lists, places to visit, things to do and try, etc. I want to try parasailing, I can pretty much guarantee that I'll do it this summer as long as I have the time and money. I feel pretty happy most of the time now or at least I DON'T feel miserable all that much! I have learned to put me first. Last night I got home and was feeling a bad mood coming on, that time of the month and all. So I walked in the door, said hi to the kids and went and got directly into the shower. By the time I got out I felt GREAT! It was just a matter of sensing those feelings and doing what I needed to do for me first so that I could function for everyone else. I get that now. I never did before.
I think when ...... happens things will be better but NEVER that's when I'll be happy! I expect to be happy daily, despite the creditors and collections and kid troubles and loneliness and etc. There's always an and, the key is to be happy despite it.
I am much much happier than I was last year. At the same time I have real concerns about surviving (not as much as I did last year). I also have real concerns about how to move forward in a way that won't land me back where I was. I tend to sabatage myself and one of them is my over identification with others and another is really not focusing on taking care of me.
A wise person once told me happiness is a choice. I can chose to be sorry for myself, my financial situation (I'm talking me here), the chance I might lose the farm. I can dwell on all that wrong: the house is a mess, I feel like a failure because I have a Masters (almost) in Microbiology and I'm working as a substitute teacher, under my pay scale.
Or I can choose happiness, that just for today I don't know my future and I chose to enjoy life on the farm while I have it, the house is not what's really important, I chose to substitute to stay at home with my mom, which is important to me because I didn't want her to stay in a nursing home. I can always finish my Masters later.
So happiness is a choice for me. I can chose to be happy, Just for Today, or I can not. But the choice is entirely up to me. Thanks Maresie for that reminder, I needed it for myself today.
