The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am hurting. It has been a difficult weekend. For some reason, Gracie's death was haunting me and I was thinking about the ex. More than thinking, more like feeling like a shoe was about to drop kick me in the head out of nowhere. And sure enough.....I went to church and the whole freekin sermon was about Grace, God's Grace and of course ended with Amazing Grace, which I last heard at Gracie's funeral. I was in a heap on the chair but the end, tears flowing, snot flowing, not a tissue in sight (lose 2 mommy points for not having a lint filled sticky kleenex in my purse). I used my glove. I'm talking sobbing, snorting crying, right there thru the whole service. Ugh. I'm not one for public displays of emotion! LOL!
Then today, a year ago on this date my ex raped me. I didn't even understand what happened when it happened, but I did flip my lid, I really lost it tried so hard to bound it up in the box that says "bad sex" and put it away. It made no sense. It still makes no sense why he would do what he did. It makes no sense that his life is going gang busters what with his PICTURE in the paper for his engagement or marriage to the woman who is wearing MY mother's diamond ring. And the fact that he is part owner of the gallery she owns and I have yet to see a dime in child support. That's all anger, resentment. But what he has done to the kids by choosing the way he has is sickening me to the point of rage. I want to vomit and never stop when I think of how he is playing this. Abandoning the kids and playing the victim saying it is all me, I won't let him see the kids wah wah wah. FIGHT FOR THEM! He has tons of money and a great support system. I have nothing and no support at all. Fight for them, take them and make them safe, love them like you said you did. What is wrong with this man that he thinks he can rape me 3 times and think that I am going to work with him on seeing the kids. And poor sick me ws willing to work with him, just not willing to do it HIS way. Not out of spite, out of responsibility to the kids.
This makes no sense, the injustice is overwhelming. If I had it to do over, I would have gone for the rape conviction. I would have gone thru the trial, for my own sake and I would have felt better. I did the right thing up to a point, I wish I had a do over with that part beacuse I know it would have made me feel empowered to hold him responsible for what he did to me.
But my mother, the most insensitive bitch in the world is the one who called to tell me about the pic and I just hung up on her. Why? Why would someone who is supposed to love, respect and take care of you, be your mother, call just to throw daggers? It is beyond cruel. And the tone in her voice was again as if I had done something wrong! All she was concerned about is child support and if I am getting any and how this will effect that. I did throw up on that little insight into how her mind works. First of all, my child support or lack of is NONE of her business. NONE. How dare she even ask. And second that her only thought ws money not "oh, I wonder how seren will react when I tell her this....hhhmmmm how should I say it, maybe I should wait till I see her so I can comfort her if she needs me...." yeah right! LOL! That's what I would do for my child if she ever God forbid finds herself in such a wacko situation. Not my mother! Nope, she (errily like my ex....) somehow makes any and all crisis about her. There by taking no responsibility or having to be concerned with anyone elses feelings. I am done with her too. NO CONTACT. I know this will all come back to bite me in the ass, and when it does I do hope that I will be able to explain to my kids the truth.
And the way worst of it all is I was driving home and thinking how exactly alone I am and all I want is a shoulder to cry on, some arms to hold me and tell me it'll be ok. I just want someone to care about me, I want a family, and I have none. I feel myself hardening as all of this plays out and I don't feel bitter, just numb and like there is a huge thick wall going up around me and I am scared of it. I don't want to not feel my kids, their hearts. I don't want to shut them out. I don't know what is right and when is God going to step in. I have surrendered, on my knees with every fiber of my body. I draw the line at sacrficing a lamb (although, it is Easter......nah)
Tough. Stay in the program of recovery because there are answers for you there. I have not been thru what you have been. I can identify with bad people who have a good life. I can identify with MOM. For all the arrows that are coming your way you cannot do this alone - you have your friends in Alanon and your higher power. I have heard that for answers to the tough ones you need to take it to a higher level. And there will be guidance, serenity and solace for you. Keep coming back.
Oh geez I read this and wanted to fix it all for you! You must hurt so badly
Not even sure what to say, except remind ya of the serenity prayer.
I want to tell ya to go to a friends house, go do something theraputic.For me it is antique shops to just bring me memories or thrift stores to snoop. I love to snoop.
Am imagining putting on dark cloths, and waiting for her to come out and ripping YOUR ring off her finger.
Using their pigture for under my cockatiels. Well are you sueing him for child support? In some states they will pull their drivers license.
They will go after him even though it is his business. Have you taken him to court????
There are attorneys who would LOVe to go after him.
Honey use that rage to do what you can!!! Here I am raging and want to do it. I have a thing about women and kids being treated like this..rrrr
I know I am bad, but geez
Hope you are feeling better. I do care, I sure relate to the alone thing. I do know you have power, i invite you to use it.
We are all here for you, seren!!! Hugs, hugs & more hugs are coming your way!! And I want to personally thank YOU for being here for us, too. Your post was so honest & raw and what you have been through is horrible.
That little engagement picture in the paper? Pffftttt! It doesn't show the REAL picture. His life isn't that great and he isn't fooling anyone but his selfish self. He has a full-blown case of denial. And now he has become someone else's problem. Ha!
Take care of you; and you are so right to continue to be open to receiving the gift of your children's hearts.
I am so very sorry. You've had so much to deal with.
I'm with debilyn. Use your rage to propel yourself forward. Get the state after him for child support. He is a "deadbeat dad" and there are laws he must abide by. You don't need a private attorney. Get the state after him. He'll have to pay arears and interest too.
It is a process to go through, and it will most likely be hell for him. Lots of paperwork, lots of time. They can take his passport and drivers license, they can garnish his wages, he can go to jail. Oh, and here's a bonus, you can wreck his credit too!
Do it for your kids, Seren! You've got allies waiting for your call. I watched my sis-in-law finally do it after 10 yrs of nothing and she regrets not doing it sooner. Her ex now has no passport and his wages are garnished $1500 per mo (he owes $54K), and that is for 1 child. He is not a happy man and the state doesn't like him much. Currently he has been trying to finagle a "deal" cause he wants to go out of the country on a trip and can't (wah wah)
It's the right thing to do for you and your kids, and you can accomplish many things the right way - support for your kids, misery for him (and "her"), receive a bit of justice, and more than likely, the kids will start spending time with dad cause time really is money.
Oh, and lots of options for that newpaper photo - remember that kleenex you were missing? Well, krinkle it up and make it soft and use it to blow your nose, or better yet, for toilet paper.
Glad you posted and I hope today is a bit brighter.
Hang in there.
-- Edited by Loupiness at 06:19, 2008-03-18
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I know it is so hard to see those that have harmed us having apparent success. How unfair it feels. I also understand the frustration of having family, friends, etc. give us information that we really don't want...that happened to me a lot during and after my divorce. I finally mucked up the courage to tell them flat out...I know you think you are helping me, or in some way offering me support, but please do NOT tell me anything about so and so anymore. It only causes me pain right now.
Forgiveness is truly the only thing that will make the pain go away. Forgiveness is the only thing that can take away that other person's power to continue to hurt us.
We have to keep telling ourselves to focus on ourselves and our actions and do the next right thing for us and our kids if they are involved.
Letting the state know about failure to pay child support could definately be something to consider. That is not about getting even or hurting or a way to get some justice, in my opinion, but IS about doing the right thing for you and your children.
I would also like to say that when I felt the loneliness of having my wife and step sons leave my life after the divorce....I walked deeply into the arms of my al-anon groups. Both figuratively here on line, and literally to my face to face groups here. They became my family. They remain my family, and I truly know that I am never alone. They offered many shoulders to lean on and arms to hug me and they also showed me that "this too shall pass" and that things will be okay.
A famous man once said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".
Seren, my hat is off to you! Through it all, you have maintained your sense of humor, and at the end of the day, that is what will carry you on.
I wish I could somehow make it all better for you. Believe me, I would if I could. You are a strong gal, and this rage, bitterness, and anger will pass. How do I know that? I know because your humor is intact, and that is most important to recovery.
It is cathartic to release it, and lean upon those who care about you. My shoulder is available, and so are my hugs.
((((((((((((((((Seren))))))))))))))))
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I was reading something yesterday that said that our intellect can inform us; but it is only in feeling an emotional response to that intellectual information that we can act.
I'm so sorry for your huge hurt; and yet I am so glad that you are getting your grief OUT. This is not a bad thing; I really believe that it is you healing.
Come and snuggle on the couch - here is a very soft fuzzy dusty pink blanket soft like velour, but longer fibers like a towel. Here is a box of Kleenex. Here is a pillow to put your head on, and here is another one for you to pound and scream at. It's okay to do that, really.
In a little while, here is a warm washcloth to wipe your face, and here is a cup of steaming tea with honey and lemon. Unless you'd rather have hot chocolate, in which case here is a cup of steaming chocolate with mini marshmallows and a spoon. Here is some Mozart on the stereo, and from where you are on the couch you can see out the window to where the birdies are flitting in to the bird feeder.
And here are some hugs. ((((((((((((((((((((((((serendipity)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hey hun, I agree with David that the only thing to release you here is forgiveness. That doesn't mean that you can't still be mad but it's just not all consuming. I remember being consumed by resentment and bitterness and it is poison to you. I also agree that telling your mom to just not mention HIM again is probably a good thing.
I KNOW you have a child support order!!! It has to be HUGE with that many kids! I would take this energy and go about seeing someone at the support enforcement office about getting it revised for a higher amount AND ask them what they're doing about collection. Mine has only been in effect for 6 months and my A is about to go to jail over it for 60 days. Now that he is a business owner, they can put a lien on his business and once he marries her they will put a lien on any property that they own. Also, he absolutely CANNOT get a passport if he owes more than 2500! I saw that while looking to get one for me and the kids. That means no cruises, no little trips to canada or a tropical island, no weekend in mexico no matter how great the deal. I still don't understand why you don't report the ring stolen?
I have hugs hugs hugs for you and I hope that you know that YOU have the power to stop this hurting! You have the power to create JUSTICE! You have the power to make a happy life for you and the kids in spite of him.
I too am in agreement that forgiveness is key. Forgiveness happens when you realize the resentment serves no purpose of self. It is not for him, but for you. And yes, as CG said, use that resenment energy to get those support payments for your children.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't know that I can necessarily see God's plan for others. I know for me it absolutely doesn't make sense that the A I was with is allowed to keep driving when he is so obviously a reckless driver. He does continue driving and I am amazed he has not killed someone. I have come to terms with that I do not know God's plans for him. I have no doubt there is one though.
I do tend to focus on me these days. I also have a family that is not supporitve and antagonistic in many ways. I have some understanding why, they need to be in denial, they need to scapegoat me. I do not however have to take on the role of the scapegoat.
Setting boundaries and limits is very hard for me. Detaching was almost impossible for me but I kept at it. I still keep at it. I lift that 5 lb weight daily to practice detaching from my housemates, people at work, you name it I detach daily. Detaching from the took tremendous work. I am still in process of that.
I know alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful. There is no question for me that alcoholism has had him for some time. I have to work super hard for it not to have me.
I'm praying for you. We are all rooting for you. We've all been in there in absolute despair. There is a way to get up out of despair, its not the most popular route but the steps do help. I have no control over anyone barely control over myself but I am worthwhile and I do deserve to have a life no matter what the A does.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you are great and I love you for the way you walk your recovery...God Bless,
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Seren, looks like great words here for you. Just know that I think you are great and dignified and smart and funny and that you will get through all this and rise above it all. You have an incredible spirit and I have learned a lot from you, here at MIP. Hugs galore, J.
THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!!!!! When I got on today and saw 16 replies I burst into tears AGAIN!!! My little one said "Mom, why are you crying again?" Because I am cared for. I take to heart every single one of those replies and they keep me going.
I did take my divorce papers and support orders down to the collection unit today. Apparently he was supposed to be paying all along and I also did an order for a modification based on his being the co owner of a flourshng business. Copied the article , highlighted the "business has tripled in the past 3 months" for the judge and sent it all off to the court. Out of my hands now. I just have to follow up. I will have to face him in court again, but I will deal with that when it comes.
Today, I am feeling so much more content and very, very loved. As I was driving the little one to dance class and thinking of all the things I can do to him now that he has put himself out there I glanced over at a passing car and the licence plate read "BE GOOD" UGH! I had to laugh! HP will get to me one way or another!!!
Thank you for the hugs, support, perspective, humor and ideas....
Feels good to take action. Have a great day. Do something for you today.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
