The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He and I talked when he got up and we REALLY need to make sure we communicate!! I did move out. However, we are not broken up. I had a misunderstanding in thinking that he wanted me completely gone from his life. NO! He doesn't even really want me gone from the house, but I told him that this is what we both need right now. We need time to figure out who we are individually and, in time, together.
I went to a meeting tonight and read the Courage To Change for today. WOW! I know I shouldn't be surprised when I read these things and they are right on the mark for the situation I am in a that time. But, I am. And then I laugh to myself and quietly tell my HP thanks. It was a good meeting tonight. Now, having a conversation with my mother and my son, trying to explain what is wrong with me and why I feel I need Al-Anon didn't go so well. So, I will apparently have to keep my recovery and my progress in my recovery to myself. That saddens me. But, I understand. Kind of. She doesn't feel that alcoholism affects thier lives therefore she doesn't want to hear about any of this. She's not at all happy about the fact that he and I are still together. I personally don't give a crap what makes her happy and what doesn't. My life is not about her. I appreciate the fact that she is letting me stay here and that she takes care of my kids. But, I don't and won't live my life to make her happy anymore. I used to do that. Not anymore.
I hope everyone has had a good day. I'm trying to keep my dinner down right now. He called about 2 minutes after we got home tonight. When I left today he was hugging me and asked me to call him at 2 to wake him up tomorrow. He said he still wanted his wake up calls. I said of course I would. I talked to him for a few minutes tonight when he called from work. He's doing ok. He told me to make sure I got some sleep tonight because I didn't get any last night. He said that I woke up every 5 minutes and that he knew that because he woke up everytime I did. I apologized for that. And assured him I would get some sleep tonight. He said that if I was up in the morning around 7 or 8 to give him a call. I said I would. I told him today when I was leaving and we both were crying that this is what we both need and that everything would be ok and that we'll get through this and that this wasn't good-bye. I told him to think of this as an extended weekend when I go to stay with the kids. Walking out that door was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
Someone in the meeting tonight said something very profound. She said that the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and WE are addicted to the alcoholic. And like they go through withdrawl when they stop drinking, we go through withdrawl when we "stop them". I had never thought about it that way. But she's right.
I miss the quiet of my house. I miss knowing that at 7 a.m. he's going to walk through the door, turn on the computer, and eventually come to bed. I am praying for strength and courage. I prayed last night for HP's help to stop crying and help to get through this. He gave it to me. I have a feeling my HP and I are going to become closer than ever in the days ahead.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts, words, love, and encouragement. It helps. It really does.
maybe you could stop the miss the home, to I love.....something about where you are???
I see ya as being very strong, saying ya both need some space to grow. It does seem to hit us in the gut. However, you guys are talking, still have a strong connection.
when I left the A last April I missed our home together tremendously. I also missed the intensity. I was really pulled into his intensity.
I continued to interact with the A for months, he could still pull me in. There is a process we all have.
I do know how it is to be "should" upon by others. When people could not understand the attachment I had to the A I felt bewildered and upset and also that they did not honor my process. I eventually did leave the A altogether but it was a long process.
I definitely had a period of "withdrawal" from being around the crisis, the dependency, the conflict, the "need". I had to walk through that. I also had to focus on me and not on him. He would make everything, simply everything about him and his "needs". I don't know that we were ever a couple as his "needs" always took priority over every single thing that there was. His house, not our house, his truck, not our truck (I bought it), his dogs, not our dogs, his friends (there were no "our" friends), his life, not "our" life. I craved the "we" but really there never ever was a "we". There was what I could do for "him" and his needs.
