The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What are we supposed to do when we dont know what we are feeling. I am lost to a certain extent in my life. It's swings and roundabouts. I get myself back on target for a few months, work my programme, do what's asked of me, and i feel happy enough. Then in time i slip again, we all do i know. This time its different. Usually i can tell from my ways and catch myself, but this time i just seem to have slumped into a downward spiral.
I have lost all motivation for anything. My days are now spent watching movies (to distract my thinking) or chatting online. I've been off work for five weeks. I asked the doctor to put me onto medication again (mild) to settle my head, its racing all the time. I think about my life a lot just now. Past issues, present issues and future ones, like employment, financial things.
I'm finding it hard to let go of somethings in my life, recent events. I know the powerless no control etc. The friend i had from Iraq, i care for him in a friends only manner, but i'm still holding onto the worry of where he is and what he does. That situation was all new to me, and i would never have believed i could hold on so tight. I have tried all ways to let go. Stopped contact with him, but it's everywhere, tv, newspapers, and i just feel pain when i think what could and most certainly does happen. I know i'm my own worst enemy.
Another friend has been diagnosed with a "tumour" he said it's not cancerous, but they haven't opened him up yet to remove it, and we know how that can be too. Why is it everyone i get close there is always situations beyond my control. I have worked this programme for two years and i know the answers, but god knows this is so hard for me right now.
I feel, empty, lost, almost like im standing back watching my life. I've not been to f2f meetings for two months because i dont "feel" like being with company. I've been isolating quite a lot, happy with my own company.
Has anyone else experienced these feelings???????
I'm the first person to pull people up when they are down. One of my family said to me, you CAN'T be depressed ally, we need you to keep our spirits up...lol Yeah sure..
((((((Ally))))))) Unfortunately I'm right there in the hole with ya. Got no ESH at the moment, but sending you love and support. I know these are tough days. But as sure as they come, I know that they also go. NOTHING is forever. Hang in there....
At least you aren't so isolated you can't write. I've been where your at a lot. You can't think your way out of this(or at least I can't), action comes first and the thinking will follow. You said you are happy with your own company but it does not seem this is so. Each day is a new day, decide to go to a meeting. If it doesn't help, go to another. It may take several days but the magic of meetings will start working. :)
I recently made a commitment to a home group. I didn't just sign up. In my mind I committed to helping these people make sure the meeting is there. I have been afraid of the commitment, I'd rather stay on line or work. I made a hundred excuses for not committing. I did it anyhow and it is starting to breathe new life. It has given me direction and resolve in other areas of my life. I must make some effort for other things to work out so I can meet my commitment. Its having a bit of fallout. A lot of other stuff is getting fixed and cleaned and all that stuff drags me down.
Its just basics. Just thought you might need to hear that they work.Its not fun when fear swirls around us, remember it is of our own making. The circumstances are what they are, worrying and frett will not change one thing. We cannot change anything with worry. Only action changes things. Even decisions don't change anything, they are the start of action though. Decisions made without action aren't any good either. They lead to remorse and a continued spiral. This is why I've stayed away from my homegroup commitment since I moved here. "Just do it." Often I just have to tell myself when action makes no sense or I have no good reasons to "just do it." i'm making friends, having some laughs, stumbling socially and getting in a few peoples way but, I'm doing it. :)
Oh Ally, it is very ok for you to need to take care of you, and anti stress jus t for you.
It almost sounds like you feel guilty for feeling bad. In my experience, most times I decide it is ok to feel bad for awhile.
glad you came here and vented. It is ok to not know what you are feeling. Can you just float? Let your mind go sorta like in a coma and do what you are doing? watch movies, read, go for walks and just look at the earth and sky?I like those times of that sorta dulled out.
It is your mind and body taking a break. Needs to refuel. In my experience, I make my bed real comfy, get me new pretty nightgowns or comfy jammies. I bring in flowers, get me raspberry sorbet.
sometimes I will get out makeup and goof around. I have been blessed with not needing it most of my life, but lately.....lol
Sounds weird but I give myself a pedicure and manicure.Even put on this pretty almost blushed natural lip color polish. Which seems insane when I am out cleaning pooty out of stalls and mucking out the driveway...lol
Makes me feel better to get out of the shower and see my pretty toes and fingers....minus the mud and gore...
Well you know, I alway say it is ok to ask for whatcha need.When someone says but we need you Ally, say you know I need a hug.
It does not subtract from you to feel sorta blah.
I used to think I cannot share anymore being a mod and being here so dang long.I was wrong. The responses are always perfect, and validate me.
Hugs my girl. love,debilyn who just plumped up her feather bed,washed her duvet and bedspread, and put on a pretty nightgown......
I think we've all been where you are now. I remember a time when I was feeling just like you were (long before the A). We all isolate to an extent. I think if you need a bit of self care that's okay. As long as it doesn't go too far. You're reaching out here and that's a good sign. Perhaps for now, you might want to come back to our online meetings. That's a start. You've been overwhelmed with the love and concern you have your friend's health, and the other one's safety. It's okay to feel those things. I remember a wise old councelor once told me that it was okay to let the feelings be there. It's a very Taoist approach. Acknowledge that the feelings are there, but don't always react to them. Leave them be. When you try to fight them or let them control you, you can get into deeper trouble. If you let them be and continue on you might find that suddenly they are more in the back of your mind, rather than right in your face. Make sense? Anyway remember to take care of Ally. Sending you much love and blessings.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know exactly how you feel, as I have been there many times experiencing the highs and lows of life. When this happens I revisit the first 3 steps , and start the 3 step waltz all over again. We are powerless over people places and things.
I think the bigger question to ask yourself is "why am I obsessing, projecting and worrying over things I can do nothing about"? Your friend in Iraq is fine and your other friend simply has a mass, unproven to be cancerous. Why project/worry that it is worse then what it is?
Wouldn't it better to live in the NOW and what IS, and if you must project, project good things? It seems these things are more then just worry if you are finding yourself unable to work due to worry of things that just aren't so. I think I would have to as myself..What is this worry doing for me? What am I getting out of it? I have noticed the differences in your posts. They are either very high, you are on top of the world and have this program and life in the bag or very low and you are isolating and unable to work. Have you spoken to your Dr. about the highs and lows? If not, please consider doing so. You may find he/she can help. Sometimes it's just not under our control. It can be hormonal, chemical, lots of things. I hope you aren't insulted, I truly don't intend that.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can definitely find myself in total over identification with others. That's why for me the focus on myself is so so key. There are many ways to work on what is going on for you. The work of many authors is so helpful, Claudia Black is great on abandonment, Melody Beattie on losing yourself in others, Pia Melody on some of the traits of codependent behaviors. I know exactly what it is to have no energy at all. Yet I do want to live and have a better life.
(((((((((((((Crazygirl))))))))))))))))))), Hen. Well I think you are doing something for you. You are reaching out to people who can offer you the support you need.
I am back and forth in a funk myself over the divorce. So today I told myself to get myself outta bed and i worked out for a bit and got a healthy lunch together. I felt great when I got to work. I also listened to my uplifting music on my way in and am listening to it right now.
I find that it is easy for me to get wrapped up in negative thinking and worrying when I am not taking care of me.
Love ya hen!
Your nutjob. Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
