The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
98% of my things are packed and I'll be moving back in with my mother today. It's not because of "her". It's because part of him wants to know what it would be like to be alone. He's never lived alone and he's 37 y/o. He's said this to me about a week ago; he's tired of taking care of other people, part of him wants to see what life would be like on his own, yada yada yada. Last night: wish granted. It is, of course, absolutely breaking my heart, because I worry about him. When I'm not here on the weekends, it takes him 2-3 hours to get to sleep. He's completely paranoid, especially with living in the woods. I talked to my sponsor last night after I made this decision to leave. I told her about being worried about him and everything I've been feeling this past week. She understood. I also told her that, intellectually, I know what he is going through and this is a process he needs to go through, but it doesn't hurt any less and it doesn't make me worry about him any less. She said what I needed to focus on was me. I need to take care of me. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay with my mom long enough to get a job and save some money to get a car and a place to live. My kids have been just fine there with her. She takes very good care of them. And I will see them like I do now, on the weekends. It should hopefully take only about a month (finger's crossed). I know that I'm not able to successfully care for my children and raise them in the state I'm in now. I still feel that I wouldn't be an effective parent until I'm better. I know I'll never be perfect and I'm not striving for that. I want to be better. And I will be. He has to work his program and focus on his recovery, and I know with me not here, he'll be able to do that. Maybe one day, we could get back together. But, I'm not going to hold out any hope on that one. If it happens, it happens. He's not sure what he wants right now. Part of him wants me to go and part of him wants me to stay. I've been walking on eggshells the past week paranoid that I would do something wrong and he would throw me out. (it's from being abused by my ex-h) I told him this and he said that he wouldn't throw me out because I have no place to go. I laughed and told him if that's the only reason he's not said it to me, don't worry, I always have someplace to go. And after that, I told him that I would be leaving. I went out to the shed and got the boxes and started packing. It was 11:45 p.m. I quit at around 1:30 a.m. I just couldn't do anymore. I've got everything packed except my clothes. Fortunately, I don't have that many things to pack. My life is in 4 boxes. and most of the contents of those boxes are my books from school. The things he's bought me in the past year are on the counter in the bathroom. I don't know what to do with them. I can't have them because it hurts to look at them. I was sitting here taking a break and smoking a cig and laughed and told him that he would be getting 3 anniversary e-cards today. Happy 1 year Anniversary/St. Patrick's Day
I hurt for you and am happy for you, I understand as I have been there. Please try to think if he never changed and things never got better is this what you would want- I think it will make it easier to go do what you have to do as if you are like me you hold on to the "dream" of what you just know he could have been. Brave smart girl, you don't want to be anywhere where someone has not asked you to leave because you have no place to go and If I could I would bet that the "girl/ woman" you mention really has nothing to do with who he is, she may be some kind of "safety" that makes letting you go easier-but if he keeps doing what he's always done he will get what he has always gotten-with her or you. He needs to fix himself before he can contribute to a real relationship (and I know the same goes for me and maybe you) my point? She is kinda immaterial- probably if anything- and she may be nothing to him- she is just a diversion from what he needs to do. This work is hard, takes focus and refocus and refocus- most people don't want to be healthy bad enough to do all that. I think you do, I know I do. Good going, keep posting and meeting and sponsoring and I know in 30-60 (its a proven fact it takes 60-90 days to break a habit) I think your strong so I'm betting on 30-60 days You will have a different life, maybe sooner if you keep focusing and refocusing!! Love and support I promise to pray for you every day-I'm putting it on my bathroom mirror right now!!
Keep comming back, don't stop just cause you are no longer with him. This program is for us and it has helped me heal from a very violent, abusive, alcoholic break up. One day at a time...
It'll get easier as time goes on. I know how scary it is in the beginning though. It sounds like you have a plan and you're doing the right thing for you.
Stay strong for the process. It is the process that requires the courage talked about in the serenity prayer. You seem already to have the serenity. It sounds in your post as does the wisdom. The process moves on over time and the courage helps us over the sad time, lonely times, tired times, second guessing times, fear times and all those other times that we need more courage to follow thru. I use to get nauseated thinking into the future during these times and that triggered me back into the moment...only the moment. Don't do the future at all. You can make plans and it's best that the outcomes are left to HP.
Get some rest...Packing until early morning is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting and then throw in all the other baggage; the worrying about the alcoholic and all other worries that creep into our spirit even against our wills.
Take only the "baggage" you need and leave the un-necessary baggage out by the curb for the garbage truck. Don't take it with you if you know what I mean.
Peace to you. Peace for you and don't let go of hope.
