The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I took my daughter to a show at the House of Blues this weekend. It was her first concert and it was really great, very wild but fun anyway. For me it was somewhat of an eye opener. I saw a guy sitting with a kid that appeared to be younger than my daughter so I asked if we could join them. We were late getting in and all the seats were gone (I think there are only about 20 seats in the place). So he looked at me like I was a nut but still said ok. When I really looked at him I realized he was completely gorgeous and thoguht to myself, gee I wish I could have him. Then my I'm too fat... no one like him would like someone like me... etc. thoughts started running through my head. After quite a while of us sitting there he started making conversation and we learned that his fiance's mom worked for the school my daughter will attend next year. Still, here I am thinking I'm not good enough for him...etc. So as the night wears on, I watch this guy order drink after drink after drink. Towards the end I see him order several drinks for other girls trying to pick them up and at the end of the night I see him ask one of them to go home with him. She was smarter than that. I had been talking to this girl and her friend off and on through the night. Toward the end I caught the waitress and told her you know that guy is with that kid (I thought she might have thought he was with me and I didn't drink at all) and I hope he's not driving him home! I still hope he didn't...
The moral of my story is that after a while, I realized ya he's gorgeous, captian of the football team type and all that BUT what would I really be getting? Same ol same ol. An alcoholic womanizer! I was thinking about this guy's fiance, wondering how many times he's been successful at getting the girl to go home with him? Thinking about how GLAD and RELIEVED I was that he DIDN'T want me!!! How relieved I was that he wasn't MINE... to deal with and suffer through. And I thought to myself, I know exactly what road this guy is going down and I SO don't want to go down that road ever again! This guy is no prize...he's an albatross around someone's neck!!! There's nothing wrong with fat me, there's something seriously wrong with him though! So I left there feeling very happy with myself, glad that I'm single and not with someone like him. I felt my eyes were opened to my ways of thinking and my method of picking men who are "desirable". Sure he was good to look at but just imagine the hell he's going to put that fiance thru! I don't have to imagine I have been there.
Isn't it amazing what we can learn about a person simply by observing. This gorgeous guy isn't worth a second look. I feel sorry for the fiance who probably knows what she is in for, but wants it anyway. As Anderson Cooper says, "What are they thinking?" Ugh!!!
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
HHmmmm, so, not all good looking "thin" people are perfect and wonderful? I am going to have to tattoo this on my inner arm for the next time I go out! Just cause they're cute doesn't mean they are sane! My ex was good looking until I got to know him. He is quite proabaly the most ugly person I have ever seen. Even the other day when he was crossing the street (he keeps putting himself in front of MY car and I keep NOT running him over.....) I saw him and thought "jeeze, he looks like crap." In truth, he is thinnner than ever and he runs all the time and is probably in stunning shape, but to me he looks like he is dried up and craggy. Dodged a bullet eh CG? Good for you! Everytime I start with the "oh, he wouldn't go for me....I'm fat and ugly...." I laugh at myself and think "please, I don't want HIM! Like I need another narcassitic drug addict!" And at this point, I assume any and all men I am even remotely attracted to have some major issues. I am no longer in the "WANT ME" mode, I am now in the "do I want YOU?" mode. Someone gave me some great advice. If I see a guy I am attracted to, wait. And if he asks me out, say no and wait. See what he does. And if in a very long while of watching and waiting I decided that I still like him, then I ask him out....all on MY terms. Then it is all MY decision and MY choice and I will not fall into the "he said he loves me *sigh* I guess I have to love him now." Which is how I wound up where I am.
Oh and good for you for telling the waitress he was drunk with a kid driving home. If only there were more people willing to stand up and say "that guy is drunk and driving"......
You made me giggle. I am not the only one who sorta thinks like that sometimes.lol
I swear the coolest men are at feed stores,hardware stores and big building supply stores.....we should go together and check guys out...haha play dumb."what is a 2 x 4???
actually I feel good just talking with men,listening.The guys at my feed store have been so nice to me. I am forever leavingmy checkbook somewhere, or my brain notebook,my coat...they always bring them out to me.So many times they help me put the tarp on my stuff.
I like men a lot. Thru all the bs ones, it is still worth sharing with them.
hugs girl AND i am so proud of you for being so assertive. wow. Iwish you would quit saying you are fat.We all have fat. I did water aerobics for years, and honey some of the nicest dressed slender women, looked the same as the rounded ones.
In fact the rounder ones looked more feminine.
Men goodlooking nice sexy cool men have told me,"I don't want a stickwoman, rounded women have no sharp edges."
And there are ones who do like a more slender lady.Nothing wrong with that either.
I love being a woman, smelling pretty, feeling feminine, feeling motherly as well as sexy and feeling powerful when it comes to building a house, fixing my truck, carrying HUGE animals around, making huge animals move.
You are beautiful I bet. you have to be,becuz you are on the inside.
Thanks deb, but I'm still fat LOL. I was reading your post about the nice guys being at the hardware and feed stores and I couldn't help but laugh cuz I was thinking YA they're actually doing something LOL. Those are the guys who are constantly building or fixing or gardening and they have something to offer. Rare occurence to catch an A in the home improvement store and even rarer to see him doing something with what he bought LOL. I'm gonna start man shopping at lowes and home depot and see what happens LOL.
One of my core issues is to over commit too quickly. Now I think pretty long and hard who I get involved with. I barely have the energy to go to work so I'm hardly out looking but I did go on two dates in the last year. I try to think long term is this person going in the direction I am going in. Are there red flags? I think I try to go for people who are in recovery. I had a 2 year relationship once with someone in recovery and that wasn't much different from the rest of my relationships, rushing in seeming to be my flagship.
I am so glad that you are being aware. I also understand how hard that is to be when you feel vulnerable. I feel incredibly vulnerable being poor, isolated and lost.
At the same time I'm obviously not as vulnerable because I have al anon.
LOL! After I read your post and was heading to the kitchen for a afternoon snack my imagination popped up a picture of a beautiful silver 1967 split window Vette all dressed up and natural like I loved them and just ready and willing to go make some noise with me until I decided to look under the hood and found a old, 4 cyclinder carburated Ford motor. !!POP!! From dream to nightmare!!
Then I read the replies.
After that I arrived back at reality and an experience I had last week helping a member in the program locally. She is the nicest of people. She has character and value assets that I desire to have back again. She is truely a child of God and while she was helping (very well) with the project I was feeling an irritation that she wasn't doing it the way I would like it to be done.
It's easy for me to point out problems in others. It's the ones in me that count and need correcting.
Thanks for the share. I pray he didn't drive home also. (((((hugs)))))
I found this a great post, I'm still laughing at the 'dodged another bullet', so true. You might be fat but you aint stupid and we can all look at the menu but we dont have to eat everything on the plate. I have dodged a bullet recently too and the more I get to know about mr. gorgeous makes me want to thank HP profoundly.
and I keep NOT running him over.....) I saw him and thought "jeeze, he looks like crap." In truth, he is thinnner than ever and he runs all the time and is probably in stunning shape, but to me he looks like he is dried up and craggy. Dodged a bullet eh CG? Good for you! Everytime I start with the "oh, he wouldn't go for me....I'm fat and ugly...." I laugh at myself and think "please, I don't want HIM! Like I need another narcassitic drug addict!" And at this point, I assume any and all men I am even remotely attracted to have some major issues. I am no longer in the "WANT ME" mode, I am now in the "do I want YOU?" mode. Someone gave me some great advice. If I see a guy I am attracted to, wait. And if he asks me out, say no and wait. See what he does. And if in a very long while of watching and waiting I decided that I still like him, then I ask him out....all on MY terms. Then it is all MY decision and MY choice and I will not fall into the "he said he loves me *sigh* I guess I have to love him now." Which is how I wound up where I am.