The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started to post this in response to Lou, but decided to just put it here.
My AH is doing really well right now, and I still get really sad sometimes cause I wonder if its too late for me. I really do love him, but it seems the love is just buried so far down in the mess that I have a hard time seeing it anymore. It just makes me want to cry. Most of the time I feel numb when I am near him. Often I am uncomfortable and stand-offish. I have a really hard time showing him any intimate affection. He has not pressured me. It's just that I feel like I would really like to be happy again, and I don't know how. I don't want to put my head in the sand ever again, but I would like to just be able to be a wife, one day at a time.
I think it may be related to my inability to have fun. I am learning to take pleasure in lots of things now, but it is a slow process of learning to let myself out.
So that's where I am today. Thank you all for being here.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have recently learned that HP can do great things in a short period of time- they are not the things we expect sometimes but still can have the answers we need. Pray, trust and let go and good things happen. Maybe if you stop being hard on yourself about learning to have "fun" and accept yourself exactly where you are at this moment fun, serious, happy, sad, whatever you are is okay. Then you will be able to see if YOU want to be somewhere different. Not being someone who likes to have "fun" sounds very critical. Maybe fun for you is serious but so what it's your fun right? I'm not a big "fun" girl but I find myself laughing and being positive around people who don't expect me to be a certain way and I find those people like me- and it's not usually the "party" fun, outlandish people who do- it's usually people more like me and they are few but wonderful to be with! I know I'm different than some people and I like me that way!
I can relate so much to what you are saying. Even if I got all the things I have prayed for, which include a sober, honest and faithful husband who is an active loving part of our family, I don't think I could be the wife necessary to keep it all together.
My AH felt rejected for the majority of our marriage and I can't blame him. I take huge responsibility and have much guilt over not getting the help I/we needed to improve things. However, he made no attempt to get help either, and his response to his feelings was not that of a normal, rational, kind human being.
I stay hopeful that I can change, just like I hope my AH will, but deep down I think there may be too many layers of hurt and pain in both of us to completely heal and move forward together.
I, too, feel numb and stand-offish, and have been described by my AH on many occasions as not being any "fun". I was like that for the majority of our relationship. What I can't figure out is if that is just who I am (and thus hugely contributed to driving our marriage into a ditch) or if it was all about my reaction to who he was, which was someone who was emotionally unavailable and unpredictable, who gave me reasons to not trust him. It's a "chicken and the egg" thing. Then again, maybe it's just about bad dynamics between the two of us.
One of my AH's biggest complaints about me is that I did not act with him like I did with my friends (happy and smiling). What he did not get, is that interaction takes two people. They actually treat me like as if they like me, they look me in the eye, they verbally respond when I talk.... you know, communication.
I appreciate reading about your struggles as well as your recovery with your ah. You are a great example of how to work the program and how it's a work in progress. It sure isn't easy.
Hang in there, Jen, one day at a time.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Ugh... I have felt the way that you describe in your post with my A-bf. Only in hindsight was I able to see that, in my case, it had to do with lack of trust in him. I had lost trust in his word because of the multiple lies he told. I stopped opening myself up to him because being betrayed hurt. So... I pretty much became like you described. It happened over a very long period of time... it was insidious, my getting cold. So, yeah... I can relate to your post.
Sometimes I think there's just too much water under the bridge. Also, in my case I have found that I have changed into a completely different person and he remans the same and I just don't feel the tingly feeling for him anymore. I need more than what he has to offer. Even if he were totally better I don't think I could ever fully trust him again and I want to be able to completely trust my partner.
I was reading on step one in "Hope For Today" recently and found a page that dealt with letting go of our past. Basically it said that in order to move forward we have to forgive and let go of the past because we tend to drag the past resentments into future relationships. I don't remember what page it was on but there are only 3 listed under Step one.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Jen, I can so relate to how hard it is to allow myself to have fun. And I live in a place that really pressures me to have some fun (Hawaii) so its an interesting challenge. I tell myself- naw, you cannot go to the beach today, you have too much work you need to get done or laundry or cleaning, etc. etc. I can ALWAYS find an excuse to NOT go do something fun. But I am working on changing that.
Jen, you sound a little hopeless re: your AH but just take it one day at a time. Our emotional cycles are like the seasons, I think. You may be in a Winter mode but someday Spring WILL COME. Its guaranteed. Just look outdoors. All we really need to know it right there. We cannot be locked in Winter forever. Its just not the way things work here- change is constant. Hugs, J.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I think I know this is only a temporary state. Spring does indeed come inevitably. (though you couldn't tell looking out my window yet.LOL Still under snow here.)I think I really have let go of a lot of the resentments. I just still don't trust him to be what I need, yet. And maybe that's ok for now. Maybe I just need more time to learn and grow and so does he.
I think it will work out eventually. Recovery just doesn't happen on my schedule. LOL I want it to all get better NOW. I want to feel fireworks again. But thinking about it, maybe fireworks aren't such a great idea right now anyway. Everything that is happening right now does seem to "right", even the stuff that sucks. So maybe I'm just getting that growing pains feeling again. That seems to happen a lot lately. That's definately a good thing.
Lou, the more I read about adult children of alcoholics, the more I am convinced that it is not just who we are. We are not meant to be numb. We have just had to protect ourselves emotionally and spiritually for too long. Something inside us seems to have gone to sleep. It just may take a long time to wake it up. I have hope.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
