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I was just going through the caller ID and noticed he deleted her number. WHY? am I being paranoid? am I letting my hormones get the better of me? or is it the unmistakeable gut feeling that something is wrong here? I called my sponsor, no answer. I don't know what to do. I have this urge to call her and find out exactly what she wants. To find out why she's calling. To find out what she's doing with my man. some ESH would be great here. Jennifer
I have no ESH that's any good in these situations. I can tell you what I did. I confronted. And I was right in all of my assumptions. And then I was sad and then I was forced to take action. I cannot give you any advice on what is the right thing for you to do. I did what I felt was right and given the chance I would do it exactly the same way. I do not regret for a moment confronting any of the women my ex was seeing, calling, having a online "friendship" with. I know there will be many who will say it is "program" to live and let live, let go and let God. Maybe, but I did the best thing for me at the time. Didn't stop my heart from breaking or stop me from unknowingly contracting an STD. It didn't make me feel better or make my realtionship better but I felt like ME! ME doesn't get played for the fool. ME doesn't let someone come in and trash my family and get away with it. And yes, my ex was just as responsible as the "other women". But, having been the "other woman" once, I know that he wouldn't have done what he did without ME. Besides that, is was always easier for me to hate the "other woman" as I never loved her in the first place. I was not innocent when I was the "other woamn" and therefore they were not innocent. Ya know, if we women just bonded together and made some sort of pact to NEVER mess with another woman's man, the issue of infidility would be history. Good luck.
From experience: Don't call!! It would be better to loose him than loose your self respect!
Remember that what he does is no reflection on you or your value!! What he does is totally about him! Try real hard to really take it to heart it has been a real life changing thing for me to realize. Hope it help you some to remember, respect yourself in your heart, you don't have to do anything at all. Just respect yourself!
I know that girls like that just love to get those calls. Their self esteem depends on it so don't do her the honor! I would just get myself real busy all of a sudden- even join a new gym class or take up something new. Busy, busy, busy! Pray, focus on you and your self respect and ignore the heck out of them. It will likely either drive him crazy or you will get so happy with you that it won't matter anyway.
Hope it helps it's from the heart as one who has been there!
thanks to both of you....he just called to let me know he was at a meeting and would be home in a couple of hours. I asked him why he deleted her number and got silence. then went into his "i don't know anything about the phone and the caller ID and deleting stuff" routine....I'm so angry right now....I asked him to pick me up a pack of cigs (I quit in october) he was floored and I'm sure there was NO doubt I was and am pissed. He said something and I said it's either I smoke or drink. He said me drinking wouldn't bother him. I said well, we can't afford that, so pack of cigs please. When he gets home, I'm not going to say a word to him about anything. I just went on to his myspace page and found out that the little group from where she is came to the meeting last night. I'M SO FRIGGIN STUPID. He told me when he picked me up from my sister's that he was in a bad mood because the speaker brought up stuff that reminded him of his past and that he realized he was going to have to make amends to certain people. I haven't pushed him to talk to me about anything. And now that I type this and listen to my music, I don't think I want to hear anything he has to say about ANYTHING. How am I supposed to trust anything that comes out of his mouth?
Thanks for the support. Man how I wish I had a bottle of wine right about now!!! I wouldn't care about ANYTHING...but I know that's not the answer...so I'm off to try and pray. I've got to try and get my mind focused on something else.
That's exactly it, Hon. You said it. You can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. That was the big one for me to accept. He is an A and in my experience, that's what they do. They lie and sneak and until they are really serious about getting better they are going to continue to play these stupid games. Even when they get serious the games are so ingrained in them that they can't change them instantly. My problem was why did I put up with it all? I had to turn the focus back on me and find out why I played along? Why I gave my power over my own life up to his manipulating games?
Get the focus back on you. Don't let them drag you down this road. It goes to insanity and that is how this disease keeps hold of us.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Jen is it your hormones or is it just plain suspicion and mistrust? I'm male and couldn't blame hormones so I just had to admit that I was suspicious and didn't trust the alcoholic and addict. It's easier to blame the behavior of the alcoholic and the addict because that is what I mistrusted...her behaviors.
For me where you are at now was practice, practice, practice over coming the compulsion that is very much the same as the compulsion in the disease. It wasn't only her that had to deal with it....so did I.
I've been where you are. My ah took up with an A employee (married and with 2 kids) who actually was on the outskirts of our social group. When I was still in denial about them sleeping together and sort of believed they were still "just friends", I called to tell her to leave him alone. BIG MISTAKE. She was an A, not a rational, sensitive, feeling, normal human being. She was a liar and someone who cared only about herself, just like him. It did nothing but stir the pot and put her in the position of feeling as if she was the "chosen one". I've learned so much since then.
A couple of weeks after the call, we staged an intervention and got my ah to rehab. He got kicked out because she was sneaking in. When he came home he promised not to be in contact with her, but could only hold out for a short time. I finally saw him tallking to her at a gas station (while each pumping gas) and I immediately kicked him out.
If I could do it all over again, I would have saved my breath on the phone call and went straight to sending his butt out the door months earlier when I had confirmed the affair by the cell phone bill.
The pain and anger is incredible, Jennifer, I know. But, it is far better being alone with my 3 kids than knowing he is living with me while sneaking phonecalls, meetings, whatever. Infidelity makes you crazy. The need to know, looking thru phone lists, driving and searching, manipulating questions, digging thru the car and his wallet, the disturbing feelings of not knowing.... AAAAHHHHH!!!! All that attention needed to be focused on my kids who were ultimately paying the price of all the insanity.
My ah has been out of the house for 10.5 months now and has been sober and working an intensive program for 4.5 months. He is still in the crazy stage, but has recently entered reality and is seeing our life come crashing down. He is sad, he is an unfaithful a**, and you know what? I still want to save him.
I'm getting better at letting go. I deserve way better than what he's given, and you know what, Jennifer? You do too!
I can't tell you what to do, but I will suggest that you think of "her" as addiction and remember the 3 C's - you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. They still apply. Put your energy and focus where you can make a difference, on yourself and your precious children.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
The reason we put up with it is bacause they are sick and we are because of the illness too- we may have issues we have always had, but living with that stuff in the can makes them JUMP up larger than life. Lack of trust is a pain!
Sorry you are going through this...... unfortunately, your focus seems to be totally wrapped up in him right now, and that is a recipe for disaster, even if HE was healthier.... Checking on his myspace, worrying about the message machines - they are really pretty much identical to checking for bottles, etc., etc.
"He's either gonna drink (or fool around, or do whatever) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you, and turn the focus back on you.
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
