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My sixteen year old came home drunk this am. He was sleeping over at a friends' house (supposidly). And I heard my AH yelling at him and part of his words were "you betrayed my trust". Hah some kind of bitter satisfaction as I have used those words against him and he has twisted them back at me...saying what he does has nothing to do with me and so on.
Point is, this is a first for me. I think I am in shock, well sort of. My AH is going away this am and won't be back until late Monday. I will go to a meeting. My son is in bed. I don't know what to do.
The words of another poster resound "I don't know how to get out of this." I don't cry. I only cried I think twice this past summer as my AH lay on life support for 18 days as a result of his addictions. I'm cried out.
Hi, I have 2 boys myself, 16 and 20, and I know with our lives with AH's and children this can be our biggest fear. I have gone to my 20 year olds apartment and seen Jack Daniels bottles displayed on shelves (dad's favorite drink). Inside I'm dying but outside I'm working the program trying despretely not to do the mom thing and lecture, yell, and freak out. I know that alot of 16 year olds drink, experimenting - remember one day at a time. Read what ever literature you have at home, online etc. Let go and Let God. Dad has already freaked out; follow your program, go to a meeting; love your son and yourself.
I wanted to add that I would certainly would have a loving, serious talk with him. I'm sure he already knows all about alcoholism by living with it but maybe talk about how how scared you are for him, heredity aspects. I would absolutly let my son suffer the consequences - if he is sick today don't let him lie around.
My personal opinion is that at 16 I would not use typical Alanon tools such as are used for an adult. Sixteen is not an adult and as a Mom I am put on this earth to allow my son to find his own way, yet gently guide him whenever possible.
Whatever I would say to him would be said with love and understanding. I would explain the disease of alcohlism the best I knew how. I would also mention it can lead to an early grave, controls your every waking hour and destroys lives. I would say that I understand experimenting but also know that many children don't know their limits and have accidentally died of alcohol poisoning. You may be thinking that he already knows this but coming from Mom in a heartfelt way may give him pause when the next opportunity arrives.
just my .02
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
A 16 year old getting drunk for the first time is not an active alcoholic in the depths of his disease. I'd treat this like any other serious misbehaviour. You may be borrowing tomorrow's troubles.
In hindsight...and hindsight is 20/20, the very best thing that finally worked for me was..."going to a meeting". I went for me. I was told to keep coming back, Let go and Let God, Detatch, Don't try to control outcomes, The three C's, the three A's and more real life workable solutions than can be found anywhere else. My 16 year old is now a clean and sober 42 year old father of three, a husband, business owner, church member and more. I like him as a person and love him as a man. All I had to do is keep my hands off, out of his drinking and using, out from between HP and him, keep him away from my car, bank account, house, tools (well some anyhow), stay away from the emergency room and let the doctors attend to his stab wounds (2x's), Listen and give him my own ESH and the directions to meetings and assure him that I loved him, would attend his funeral if he decided to engineer an early death and then I would go on with my life. I participated at times, never took over, never made rules for him, forgot the words "you gotta" or "Do what I did" and just let God...my HP as I understand God; which is different than how my son understands God, do God's work.
HP does some very cunning, powerful and baffling work!! (((((hugs)))))
I agree with Christy, this is a serious misbehavior. Whatever punishment you would have for serious violations would be in order and I would definitely have the talk about heredity.
I have a 13 year old daughter, and if she came home drunk I would flip out on her. Sometimes you getting really mad is the one thing that gets them back on track. I'm sure he's expecting you to be really mad! I also agree with whoever said get him up out of bed and make him work through the day don't let him lay around and whine.
This one has struck a chord with one of my "future fears" (my kids are only 12 and 10).... I believe... as hard as it must be, it is important to keep the lines of communication open, and not "over-react" to this..... Sure, you're disappointed, with good reason.... but I don't know that many 16-year olds can be "disciplined" into not doing such things.... It's a longer process, but education, communication, and understanding are better tools for the long run on this....
Just my opinion...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
